Adam's "Oh-so-worth-the-wait" C-Con Report #3

Everyone in favor of adopting the Boneman's Jessica Alba nudity rating system, raise your hand.

Featuring a fun-filled tour of Good Luck Chuck, 3:10 to Yuma, Midnight Meat Train, Saw IV, Fanboys, and Shoot Em' Up.

Hello faithful readers. And, what the hell, greetings to you not-so-faithful readers who may be seeing other writers on the side. Let me guess - You were browsing and it just sort of happened and it didn't mean a thing? You're right. I know I wasn't there for you, and I'm just happy to report that those of you who thought I'd died, were mistaken. I did come down with a minor case of it, luckily for me it wasn't the fatal kind. It's just been a hairy, hectic mutha for me these past couple of months, what with a new baby and so forth (sorry if this comes off maudlin, but I just wanted to point out that he's really really worth it). So mop off your face, because as promised, and however belated here comes more Comic-Con goodies.

LIONSGATE
GOOD LUCK CHUCK

Good Luck Chuck is a new comedy starring comedian Dane Cook as a successful ladies man with a not altogether unpleasant problem. It isn't long, however before Chuck's run of Good Luck peters out. You wouldn't think that having Jessica Alba strut into your life would be such an unfortunate development, but unless our Devil-May-Care Don Juan can puzzle a way out of his own tender trap this opportunity may just knock him for a loop.

You see, as is foreordained by the film's premise any time Chuck manages a to have a little "good luck" with a given lady, that very same lady is sure to meet the man of her dreams pretty much immediately and wind up engaged/married. And the lucky fella is never Chuck - an outcome that Chuck has always been perfectly happy to accept. Except, that is, when he meets the girl of "his" dreams the oh-so-toothsome Cam Wexler (Jessica Alba) Thus Chuck must set about pitching the woo with all the control of an all-star closer in the bottom of the 9th. Because where Cam's R.P.M.s are concerned, Chuck has got to keep his needle out of the red, lest he wind up singing the blues. Given that it's Jessica Alba, I'm sure that's easier done than said.

Lionsgate showed us the trailer, and I gotta tell ya. This thing just doesn't look very funny to me. The premise as described thus far is a pretty shaky contraption with disbelief suspension required before the opening credits have run. As far as the leads in the flick, I'm just not sold on either one of them. Dane Cook is charming enough. His stand-up really sneaks up on you, but as an actor, I have yet to be dazzled by this guy. Employee of the Month made me laugh a total of three times, and Cook's flipside work in the tepid thriller Mr. Brooks did absolutely nothing for me. Jessica Alba is an absolute beauty, but her big screen track record doesn't exactly exemplify greatness.

Sure, I loved Sin City, but I still harbor ill will towards the fact that Alba's lonely stripper didn't drop trou once in that picture. (Which is a clear and blatant violation of civil code WTF 1ZAT) Perhaps that's the juvenile frat boy in me talking, but she was a stripper in a flick where the gaffers and grips were probably hot, naked chicks!! And now she's going around making public statements about how she wants to see more penis in film. Alas, Alba is gorgeous and if she had a penis I'd probably want to look at it. But credit must go to the Boneman for breaking down an Alba rating scale we can all pray for. 1) Should Jessica expose her top that would be rated "Soft-Core," and fingers-crossed 2) Should she bless us with the works and go full frontal that would be rated "Alba-Core." If she's got a solid, well rounded piece of work in her, we've yet to see it. Great looks will only get you so far. Cook and Alba were both on hand to field questions from the audience, and both performers were funnier and more charming than any of the clips we saw from their film.

3:10 TO YUMA

3:10 to Yuma is a new western from director James Mangold (Copland, Walk the Line). The film features Christian Bale as a rancher whom, in an attempt to earn extra money to provide for his family, agrees to make sure that an infamous outlaw (Russell Crowe) makes the 3:10 train to Yuma, where he will be put on trial for various crimes. Naturally, all hell breaks loose in the process. Sadly, Bale was unable to attend the convention (he's currently shooting The Dark Knight) and Russell Crowe wasn't available either (he was busy smacking some guy in the mouth with a phone). Instead, we were treated to a few members of the supporting cast. Up and comer Ben Foster is shaping up to be one exciting actor. He plays one of the heavies in the film and will also appear in this October's 30 Days of Night. Joining him on stage was veteran actor Peter Fonda. The two batted around stories for a good twenty minutes. A long twenty minutes if I do say so myself. I like both of these actors very much, but they didn't have any real anecdotal material too speak of. In fact, for a moment, I was convinced they were merely stalling as to make sure the Lionsgate presentation didn't end too early. As for the movie, it looks positively stellar. It's looking like Mangold might be gunning for Oscar again.

MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN

This panel was, perhaps, the most entertaining panel of the weekend, thanks mostly to the zany participation of famed (and eccentric) horror novelist Clive Barker (creator of Hellraiser). I'm not entirely sure what happened to this guy, but he looked like warmed-over "Cream of Death" (I think he might have had a stroke and please don't interpret any of this as disrespectful it's just the truth). As a worn down Barker took the stage, I felt an immediate state of discomfort. I was somewhat worried that this respected writer might keel over dead right there on the spot. Thankfully, he didn't.

As it turns out, Barker was quite entertaining. He spoke in a slurred, slightly incoherent manner, but he had several interesting stories to tell, including a doozy about the origin of his recent film's title (Midnight Meat Train was one of fifteen or so titles he came up with after getting blitzed off a plate of "smart cookies"). Again, no disrespect intended but it certainly appeared as if Clive might want to go easy on the "smart cookies.") His occasional outbursts of unintelligible gibberish were incredibly comical regardless how unintentional. Joining Barker on stage were Midnight Meat Train stars Vinnie Jones (a performer so intense, he could intimidate a man to death just by looking at him – he even had the balls to make fun of Barker right there on stage), Bradley Cooper, and Leslie Bibb, along with director Ryuhei Kitamura. The gothic film puts a hellish twist on the serial killer genre. It opens in early 2008.

SAW IV
Saw has pretty much become a Halloween tradition. With each film in the series making a hefty profit, the franchise shows no signs of slowing down. SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even if Jigsaw was apparently left for dead in the last installment, it hasn't stopped the producers from coming up with new and perverse ways of dispatching unsuspecting victims. Director Darren Lynn Bousman and one of his producers were on hand to talk about the latest adventures of Jigsaw, and as they hit the stage, they gleefully announced that just a few hours earlier, Saw IV was slapped with an NC-17 rating. They didn't seem terribly upset by this development. Apparently, they've gone through this stuff before. Three other times in fact. What did seem to bother them was that the footage they wanted to show the audience was denied by the Comic-Con committee. Apparently it was just too intense. So instead, they brought a different scene to show us. In the clip, two men awaken in a room. Both are chained to a cranking apparatus in the center of the floor. The twist is, one of the men has had his eyes sewn shut, while the other has had a similar procedure performed on his mouth. Needless to say, normal communication is not an option for these frightened individuals. In typical Saw fashion, the clip was sadistic, gruesome, and a hell of a lot of fun. Director Bousman showered praise on new-to-the-Saw-team screenwriters Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton (this is the writing duo who wrote the Project Greenlight film Feast) for coming up with a twisted plot while managing to keep a moral center in tact. The film maker wouldn't go into plot logistics (no clues as to what form we'd be seeing Jigsaw in) but he did bring along Jigsaw himself, actor Tobin Bell. Bell was also tightlipped about the plot, but he did reveal that we can all expect a Saw V for Halloween, 2008. Saw IV opens on October 26th.

FANBOYS PRESENTATION
The new comedy Fanboys not only looks to be a clever ode to everything Star Wars, but a sweet love letter to movie geeks the world over. It's made with absolute love and sincerity and it clearly embraces geek culture rather than making fun of it. Taking place in the late 90's, Fanboys is the story of a group of life-long friends whom, after discovering one of their own is dying of cancer, decide to take their sick buddy on a cross country road trip to the legendary Skywalker Ranch, where they hope to see an early screening of the highly anticipated Phantom Menace. Regardless of our opinion of that widely discussed film (I'm not a big fan), Fanboys is more a film about wild anticipation, love, and friendship and it really looks like a hell of a lot of fun. It's a pop culture buffet paying homage to everything from the works of George Lucas to the rock n' roll majesty that is Rush. Plot wise, the film bears a bizarre resemblance to the Tenacious D movie from earlier this year. This flick, however, looks much funnier. The cast and crew were on hand to discuss making the film. It's been in the works for several years. And in fact, it's actually been gestating since before Phantom Menace was released. If the finished product is half as charming and witty as the clips we were witness to, then we're all in for a big treat. I really can't wait to see this movie.

SHOOT EM' UP (SCREENING)
The Boneman already has a nice review up for this film. Sadly, we were forced to choose between this screening and Stardust, and while Stardust ultimately ended up being the better movie, Shoot Em' Up is a hell of a lot of fun. It sort of plays like a fusion of Desperado, Evil Dead 2, and Raising Arizona. It features Clive Owen as a reluctant hero and Paul Giamatti as a gun wielding heavy. This flick is ultra stylized, and the violence uber cartoonish - so it's easy to not take things too seriously. I had issues with a few visual moments (the aerial sequence is laughably fake), and Monica Bellucci, while beautiful, isn't very convincing. Overall however, I laughed at Shoot Em' Up's blatant, mean spirited, shoot-the-moon (‘cause it looked at you wrong) attitude, and Clive Owen's fierce swagger. Further more, the title of this picture is perfect. Shoot Em' Up. What you see is what you get. Bonus; Shoot Em' Up has one of the most bizarre sex scenes I've ever seen in a movie. You have to see it to believe it.

Watch for our next report. It'll include looks at Trick R' Treat, Watchmen, The Lucasfilm Presentation, Halloween, The Mist, Doomsday, The Hulk, and Iron Man!

To read other exceedingly wonderful reports about our exploits at Comic-Con click to

http://www.zboneman.com/blog/Comic-Con-serves-up-Balls-of-Fury-21202.html
http://www.zboneman.com/blog/Beowulf-at-Comic-Con-21179.html
http://www.zboneman.com/blog/Superbad-at-Comicon-21183.html
http://www.zboneman.com/blog/Bones-Thursday-at-C-Con-Shoot-em-Up-and-throw-em-up-21185.html
http://www.zboneman.com/blog/Comic-Con-Report-2-21187.html