Bone in Progress

Celebrity marriages make for some of the luckiest flies ever to eavesdrop from the living room wall. If you mix Ryan O Neal's exchange of gunfire with his son and that infamous Farrah Faucett meltdown on David Letterman into the equation you've gotta believe that the O'Neals put on a lively show for the flies. It's a good sign that Prosecutors declined to charge Ryan with assault with a deadly weapon for firing a gun during his brawl with his oldest son earlier this year. The kind of thing that does your heart good, forgiveness is really the key to maintaining a harmonious home life. Along with a good kevlar vest and plenty of xanax there's nothing an American family can't withstand.

My daughters are only a few planetary revolutions away from their tween years, thus my days of joyful parenthood are numbered. If I could stop the inexorable march of time, today would be my Groundhog's Day. Today they're still innocent, and (to my knowledge) have no interest in boys. They still obey their father (especially when I flash a small hint of insanity) and I think I've come up with an ingenious strategy to head off the
days of teenage rebellion. To test my method I started by stopping. Stopped going to
church and the next thing you know my girls are regular holy rollers. They come home singing Sunday School songs, I turn up the volume of the football game (if you're going to save them from themselves you've got to go hardcore test phase a total success.

Opener - use cloverfield trailer - segue to Sunday School nutjob - to paranoia.
To rapture - describe rapture One second you're dancing with your wife and the next your dancing with her dress, and then scrambling around the floor trying to grab her gold bridgework. You can't take it with you, from your pacemaker to your no-good husband.
The rapture, (not all religions subscribe to the literal interpretation of the rapture but if it goes down as millions believe I doubt if it will put a noticeable dent in the population. I suppose Utah might well lose a fair share of its population under such bizarre circumstances, and to be honest, it's the only scenario I can forsee that would make it possible for me to afford a home in St. George. As competetive as the realestate game is in our area, I could envision a Johnny-on-the-spot agent trying to capitalize on the opportunity - leading a reluctant couple through a recently vacated home: "As you can see there's a spacious three car garage which uh, looks like it actually comes furnished with uh, cars. Right through here you got a knock-out home theater system, surround sound, the Works! Look at that - ya practically got Schwarzenegger right in your lap. I love this one, what is it? Wait - don't tell me . . . "End of Days" good call. Great flick, anyway why don't you step out back you gotta see the size of this yard. Is that a beaut? You got kids? No? I guess you better hurry, huh - (trying to hide the chuckles by clearing his throat) Goodness look at that pool though? Whew - I'm half tempted to hop in their right now suit and all . . . hundred and uh fourteen I think they said, today. You're right, it could well get quite a bit hotter - this husband of yours is quick on the draw, must keep you in stitches? Anyway, before you go you've got to go take a look at the view from the deck, it's really to die, for. Take a look at the kitchen on your way out - state of the art. Oh and look, supper's almost ready. Y'hungry? Jeesh - a couple people turn up missing, everybody acts like it's the end of the world." But if it turns out that the standards aren't particularly high and hundreds of thousands vanish right out of their pants I hope I'm in a elevator full of really rich and righteous riders. high asdescribe concept One minute you're talking to your mom and the next thing you know your talking to their clothes and bridgework(joke) So if you have any question whatsoever as to where you stand with your maker and you have to go some place with the Bishop - you might want to Drive

As a matter of fact the LDS church, of which I am a member, does not recognize the Rapture as part of its doctrine concerning Christ's second coming. Beyond the obvious hazards associated with vanishing motorists, I really don't know why the Rapture is absent from all pertinent Mormon theology. As acquainted as I've become with the Mormon mindset, however, I think a safe guess is that the Mormons left the Rapture behind because the last thing they wanted was a bunch of Jack-Mormons trying to run the show. This is to say nothing of the fact that when it comes right down to it the whole idea is pretty dang silly. "Some people are born righteous, for others it's a struggle, but me I keep the commandments and toe the line because one day I want to just disappear. How cool would that be? Say you're at the bar with your buddy having a soda. Maybe buy him a beer and just as he goes to clink bottles in a toast Poof! Vanished. Your Sprite smashes on the floor. Somehow program my cell phone with a recording of me saying, "hey, get your hands off my wallet - flippin' looter! That would so rock. Plus I guess you go to heaven and stuff.