Britney Spears: Fedbeat Mom!

When Mouseketeers Attack.

First of all, how bad of a mother does a person have to be, before a judge finds a shiftless, drug-dealing club-shlub like Kfed a more suitable parent for two small toddlers? Did she dangle the babies over the balcony and we didn't hear about it? Did she feed them Friskees and tie them to the bars of their crib while she hit the town? Did she mistake the similac for simil-crack. Enquiring minds want to know.

Who can blame Britney Spears for developing escapist habits. At some point it must have occurred to her that America was no longer interested in her as an artist (not that it ever was). Still she had every right to mistake her success as a permanent function of the future. From the time she teased us with her naughty girl next door, Lolita legs as we watched crouching beneath her bedroom window. She proved it didn't she, she showed us she was far more than just a pretty face and a voice that pitch correction could spin into platinum. Hell she starred in a semi-successful film that she exec-produced and even got the kiss of approval from the queen of pop herself – Lady Madonna. It's good to be teen.

Then it all went bung. The fiddler came to collect. Seems she hadn't read the fine print at the bottom of her fame and fortune contract and the devil was invoking his five year clause. More than likely she got bored with the money and fame (how many mansions does your mother need?) and wanted to test the waters of the party life – take a little looksee at the wildside. When you're the King of all you survey, what else is there to do but get fucked up and survey it. But then it all started to close in around her and the buzz was getting harder to catch. When drugs are what you live for, and the only window through which you enjoy surveying your kingdom, your kingdom starts to shrink. And when the most important man in your life is your dealer, the best thing to do is marry the guy.

Hence Federline Express grabbed his dope threads, his dope shades and his dope ride and drove the dope right up to his new home. This calls for a house warming party. Just me and my baby and my many makers of the buzz. Soon the teen queen had reduced herself to the buzzed Edna of Pop. And then it really started to spiral out of control. What was once spectacular is now spectacle. What was once success is now excess.

What I could never understand was how come they just lived in a little apartment complex? Remember the one where her neighbors would return home to find her passed out on the welcome matt. Did they just sleep on a mattress, with their TV up on an orange crate and all their dope threads in boxes. Empty bottles and beer cans collecting beside alligator mouthed pizza boxes. These two were on a perma-bender with babies. It reminds me of that unforgettable episode of Dragnet where Friday and Morgan rush into the potheads apartment, all of them giggling and bouncing off the walls. "Hey the cops are here, where's the baby?" "I thought you had the baby?" Dun dundun da - of course the baby is floating face down in the tub, with the shower going. I picture a hungover half-naked Federline throwing Pizza boxes around, "Damnit Britney, what did you do with the babies?" "I dunno. They were in their last time I sawm." "Well, shit come and help me." "Baby I gotta headache." Hit me Baby One More Time. I'm sure kfed's diggin' the revenge, but I'm guessing he doesn't those kids are just going to cramp his style.

And you thought you were having a bad month. She made a complete fool of herself in front of millions (proving to even her most diehard fans that she's lost whatever magic she may have once possessed, then she has her children taken from her and given to an unemployed drug-peddler, pretty much reviled the world over. Your shaved beaver is in every living room in the country and I'm sure she's got a hangnail or a paper-cut.

And with a pivotal election on the horizon, genocide in Darfur, crucial negotiations in Korea and the world falling into the clutches of the Chinese, it's Britney's disgraceful little Cirque De So lame that's uppermost in the hearts and minds of the people. Surprise surprise.