Chat and Ugly

"Whaddaya mean you've changed your mind?"

For those of you following the new and improved, you may have noticed that I've been coughing up a bone pretty much every day. So far so more-or-less good, I suppose - it feels good to once again be astride the bone pony, but the daily emission will be coming to a temporary halt. Yes, the wife and I are loading up the bonelings and heading for Yellowbone National Park. I'll have access to a computer on a few occasions but my output over the next several days is not likely to be worth much of a shit. I'll do my best, but already my time has been imposed upon – in fact I just returned from a prep shop at Costco.

Unfortunately on the way home I had a watermelon go rogue in the trunk. I could hear it bowling about, but being in a hurry I decided to just ride it out. When I popped open the trunk it looked like an aerial view of New Orleans 3 days after Katrina. The guilty green orb was besmirched with evidence of the many items it visited on its grand ramble. The artichoke jalapeno dip took the worst hit, the crab salad a close second. Just to lend the whole thing an element of the macabre, on it's pass through the seedless grapes it smashed two that stuck to it and tagged along for the ride. They were spaced perfectly to suggest two sodden eyeballs – like the blind, dead eyes of a killer shark, the melon stared back at me from the midst of it's handy work, like one of nature's perfect creations of destruction. Naturally it will be mealy and rotten or unripe and sweet as a cucumber when I get around to cutting it open. At this point if there somehow happens to be a severed human thumb inside I will not be surprised.

I've become accustomed to bizarre and unnatural events in my life – but regardless the knuckleballs that life puts over my plate I just turn on the tube and ride it out on the couch. Clicking through the channels relaxes me to the point that I'm immune to life's fucked-up travails. Lately I've been trolling past CNN, because they've been running these specials dedicated to these video-taped sting operations for these silly bastards that can't seem to keep their slimy paws off the youngsters. These chat room predators, willing to trade in their lives, family and freedom for a little hanky panky with a 13 year old kid.

Now I'm by no means a flawless human being, for one I've got a funny little fondness for this carbonated beverage made with some kind of grains and stuff. It's not like I couldn't live without it, it's just I have yet to find a good enough reason to do so. My wife has misguided name for my little hobby – starts with an A and ends with a lic. And we've been known to engage in the occasional debate over what she considers an issue and I consider a harmless soft-drink (I live in Utah and there are flavors of Snapple that have a higher alcohol content) that eases the pain my fingertips experience as they pound away at those little square plastic things with letters on them. I'll keep you posted on the ongoing negotiations.

Still my personal issues don't go too far beyond this sort of thing, thus I feel perfectly justified in throwing stones at these nasty creeps talking dirty to these youngsters. Actually I guess if I'm being totally honest here, there was a time a few years back when I guess I sort of had a thing for 14 year old girls and I guess if the opportunity had presented itself I probably would've taken a shot. I was going through kind of a difficult, confusing time - I think they call it puberty. Yesir I was big into 14 year old girls, when I was a 14 year old boy.

Beyond the whole perverse insanity of it all, I don't understand how these guys get the balls? You got the patriot act out there allowing Big Brother to keep tabs on our personal communication, not to mention all these sting shows. It's gotten to the point were I don't dare make eye contact with our baby sitter in Church. But if you believe the statistics these bottom feeding cybernuts are so common that statistically speaking you probably know someone whose sexual fantasies are likely to involve a 4H Club slumber party. Again it's quite beyond my understanding as to how someone's wires could get so balled-up.

These sting shows are just unfathomable, I guess you know the drill a cop pretends to be a 12 to 14 year old boy or girl, one sting leads to another and the next thing you know some 53 year old guy, pops over, lets himself in the house, drops trou and ties a helium balloon to his dick, "Lookee who's here?" Now first of all, anyone who's crazy enough to sneak into a strange house in broad daylight and immediately take off all their clothes is cut from different cloth than the Boneman. Some of these guys will strip down and start going through the fridge, some of ‘em bring a sixer of beer – one guy even brought his 5 year old son on his little date. "You just watch Barney son, while Daddy fixes the plumbing."

The look on these dudes faces when the News guy pops out with the camera crew, is priceless. It's just so wrong that I have to be in the right mood to even watch it. This is human wreckage as hard to stomach sometimes as a Driver's Ed film. Having your twisted secret life put on display for the whole world to see has got to be a shock to the system on par with being eaten alive by a bear. It's a wonder these guys don't keel over dead. Most of them start in with some improvised excuse for why they're running around naked in a strange house with clown makeup on. "Yea, I was just coming over, because I heard my neice was sick, yeah, and uh, I didn't want her to be alone, but then I thought if I put on my clown outfit it'd really cheer her up, but my sister must have taken it to the dry cleaners. (slipping into their pants) Well I'll just run down to the dry cleaners and pick that up, are you guys gonna hang around, because I'll be right back – good to meet you." Most of them are naïve enough to think they're just gonna hop in their car and go home. They all seem so indignant when the police are waiting for them, "what the hell is going on? What are you guys doing here – since when is it against the law to cheer up your sick neice with a balloon tied to your balls?"

The thing that's most boggling is the fact that these stings are just netting a few of these freakfish, which means this kind of thing must really be happening, that's just fucking gross. I just can't get it to settle into my grey matter that there's a single 14 year old girl out there who really wants her first sexual experience to be with some Ernest Borgnine looking motherfucker. Listen I've gotta go pack, we'll see if there's any more to this topic when I get back. Again I should be able to at least pop in for a say hi, somewhere along the road. Take it easy my friends.