Clint Eastwood blasts Mormons in drunken late-night tirade.

That's not Mel Gibson - come on?

This starts just the same old funny crap, but read down to the ugly truth - I'm pretty sure I've got this shit sorted out.

If it weren't true, you'd think I made this up in order to illustrate the absurdity of turning one mans political opinions into front page, top-story news for over a week. I know, I know it wasn't just political opinion per se, it was a little bit . . . hatey. As for Eastwood, in a surgically prepared statement the famed actor (Coogan's Bluff) apologized for his inflammatory remarks about the Mormons and blamed his ill-advised comments on the fact that he was drunk. Ironically, Mormon spokesman Hyram Jones had nothing to say about Eastwood's defamatory remarks, rather focusing on the foolhearty nature of consuming alcoholic beverages, further chiding Eastwood for smoking cigarettes in his films (thus making smoking appear "cool" to America's impressionalbe youth). Jones later handed Eastwood a copy of the Book of Mormon and asked him if he were aware that Matthew Modine and Paul Walker were Mormons. Eastwood appeared interested in the text, thumbing through it and then asking if Jones could point out the part where it explains how to go about getting extra wifes. Before Jones could start into his spiel about Polygamy being strongly frowned upon by church leaders, Eastwood cut him off laughing, "that was a joke, I was just trying to have a little fun." Everyone enjoyed a good laugh, at which point the Mormon spokesman congratulated Eastwood for all of his amazing charity work - claiming that he and his wife love his salad dressings and spaghetti sauces.

As for Gibson, things should be getting back to normal. This weekend, just like any other he'll be playing short and batting clean-up for the White Sox who are tied for first place with the Really White sox in the JBSL (Jew-basher softball league) that he co-founded. Then it's down to the San Pedro to double check the vast shipment of arms on it's way to his "secret friends" in Lebanon. The last time he put together a shipment of arms to Lebanon he was detained for a few moments by security, who found some paperwork in his posession. This time however, Gibson turned on the charm and that 100 watt smile and explained to the officers that Lebanon is a support group for Lesbians who are trying to go straight. He leaned in and whispered "it's my sister" he said shaking his head. "Making great head way though, she's got 3 weeks under her belt without so much as a nip."

Speaking of gays, talk about ambulance chasers, Jeez. They seem to have decided to invite themselves to Mel's media crucifiction. I'll admit it's been a while since I've watched Braveheart, but I honestly don't remember leaving the theater thinking to myself "those lousy gays." I love this one guy who keeps getting the big sound byte. "Braveheart, or as we call it "Noheart." Wow what a powerful play on words, how clever can you get. Who's next? "We're a group representaing aging televison personalities - We don't call it Braveheart, we call it Bob Newheart. Honestly, I've haven't got even the most miniscule bone to pick with gay people, but jumping on the bashwagon at this point was just cheap and self-defeating. Pick your battles come on guys.

The Ugly Truth (seriously I'm being serious)

Alright off comes the clown face, no more jokes - I'm going to tell you what's up with Mel Gibson, With his army of publicists it won't ever come out, at least as straight as you're going to get it from me. but Mel Gibson doesn't hate Jews, Mel Gibson hates Mel Gibson. Keep reading if you think I'm full of shit, because all you have to do is look at the signs and read between the lines. First of all. I don't know if they've released the photographs that they keep showing of Mel at whatever shitty little party he was at. But take a good hard look at those pictures and you'll see a man who's sick and tired of being Mel Gibson. I realize that may sound crazy, Mel Gibson is one of the coolest stars we've ever had, no question - but he's wasn't mad at Jews (no more so than anybody else) he was pissed at himself. If you're going to guess, do it now.

Before I drop the bomb, study a few more facts of the case. As we all know he didn't have enough alcohol in his system for a 16 year old girl to catch a buzz, so it wasn't alcohol doing all that damage to his career - causing him to say all those despicable things about an entire race of people. Mel was lashing out, but not at Jews or cops - he was pissed off at Mel Gibson. Why. Hello - he's an addict. This ain't no conspiracy theory - do the math for Christ's sake. Look closely at those pictures, that was Mad Mel, not the Mel we all know and love - that wasn't the charming Mel or the party Mel, that was a Mel that few people ever see. To sabatage your own career in a way that almost seemed intentional, there's only one thing that causes people to do that . . . drug addiction. He was probably Jonesing - probably went to whatever scummy party he went to trying to get whatever it is that he's hooked on (probably, an opiate, oxycontin, maybe the big H?) You never know he's been down in South America, in a bad head space, with jungle movie where everything that could go wrong did. Possibly coke, the other possibility is Meth - crazier things have happened. In any case. Mel was on his way somewhere else (maybe home) having been unable to get what he needed, so he bought a bottle of Tequila to help soften the ground and ease the pain and started drinking it in the car.

Everybody said he was having water at the party, that's true, he doesn't want to be seen drinking, he's supposedly on the wagon. Besides what he was after is undetectable by the casual observer, or the camera, but my guess is that he didn't find it, and was most likely on his way to find it somewhere else (in a hurry) when he was pulled over. By this time he was pissed-off. He was sick of being Mel Gibson, so sick that he just wanted to hurt Mel Gibson and that's what he did. One last bit of evidence. If Mel is in a normal state of mind, (not drug-sick and half crazy) those cop lights would have scared that .12 out of him, he'd have charmed the shit out of those cops, signed a few autographs, and drove away without so much as a warning. That Mel wasn't driving that night. So for all of you butt-hurt Jews that think Braveheart hates you, relax he was lashing out at Mel, not Moses. Somebody spread this around, and put this bullshit to rest. We've got more important Jew haters to worry about than a Movie Star couldn't find a fix in Malibu.