Hanging Judge

Judge Mental!

I'd just about made a clean break to Yellowstone, when the news hits about some federal judge who spends his days in court with his penis inside a suction devise. It's not altogether clear whether he was using the pump device to increase the size of his little jury member, or if jurisprudence had just lost it's allure and he needed a little stimulation to keep the sleepies at bay.

In any case it's not looking good for Judge Whoppner, he's looking at some pretty stiff penalties for operating his personal penal system, fines and most likely a little Irish vacation. I hope he wasn't a hanging judge (if I may) or he's not likely to have a lot of fun in prison. They'll be calling him Judge Judy before he even gets his own bunk. I guess they finally caught onto his little bench warmer when a female court reporter caught a glimse of the "long dong of the law" one morning when he was having problems with the gear. Which confirmed her suspicions, supposedly she and a bailiff had been hearing strange noises coming from somewhere on the stand for years. The bailiff described the noise as sounding like an artificial respirator.

I guess much of the outrage stems from the fact that he's presided over numerous life and death cases, over the past several months, while the whole time some sort of pneumonic pumping devise was sucking away on his judicial branch. The following is an actual court transcript circulating on the net of a recent case Judge Whoppner was presiding over.

Attorney: Your honor my I approach the bench?

JW: . . . . uh, would you prefer a recess?

Attorney: What? No your Honor, I simply wish to speak to a point of order.

JW: Very well – council approach the bench.

Attorney: Your honor both the prosecution and myself are a little bit worried – are you feeling alright today?

JW: Bright Eyed and Bushy tailed Council make your point.

Attorney: Well, it's just that you've over-ruled the last 42 objections in a row, and at one point you began to smile and your eyes rolled back, and well . . . you started banging your gravel, rather inappropriately I must say. And then you muttered something about, "Motion Sustained, Sustained – I was just interviewing prospective jurors at the time?

JW: I'm quite sure I don't know what you're talking about and you're about this far from contempt.

It shakes your faith in the system – I don't know. I wish I could ask this freak just one thing, regardless how badly they throw the book at him. I want to know just one thing Your "Honor." Do those things really work?