Holes

Tooth Wisdom. "Don't bite the bullet too hard."

Word on the street is that Michael Jackson wants to record a duet with Eminem. Makes perfect sense, after Eminem took every last ounce of piss out of the King of Pop in his "Just Lose It" video. I'd just be thrilled to have two such enormous talents pool their resources, Yo I wanna write a lyric for that shits, check it, "Beat the wife, molest the kids, blame it on what my parents did/when yo career is flat-linin' – do some coat-tail ridin' – I think it would be the ultimate is they covered "Ebony and Ivory" and pull the twist - have Jacko sing the white part and M&M do the Stevie Wonder. At this point something that clever is the only thing that could possibly revive the the King of getting Popped's career. I think Jacko really ought to go the cryo route, come back in 50 years when the only thing people remember is his music.

But fuck all that, I had a damn tooth pulled out of my head this morning and I'm all fucked up. You get home and it feels like you've been in a taser fight in phone booth. All numb and drooling, can't talk. Then I had a There's Something About Mary moment. No I didn't get my dick caught in my zipper, but I got a phone call and so I took this enormous piece of disgusting bloody gauze out of my mouth and just set it down somewhere, and when I went to look for it so I could throw it away, it had vanished. I looked everywhere, it's like Ben Stiller's missing splooge. Someday I'll have guests over and it'll land in their salad.

Anyhow, pulling teeth is a bad way to start a day off, I've had wisdy's pulled before, but I think they put me out. This morning they just shot me and shot me and shot me and it hurt in ways that seriously opened up new frontiers of pain. Just icy cold, metallic hyper-pain, and the sad thing is that I wanted more. I've always had trouble getting numb enough and so I just let the shooting continue. You know the deal where they stick the needle in and then start revolving it around – point it this way and that way. You have to remember this is a long-ass needle somewhere inside your head. Denistry is really not for me.

It only took the oral surgeon about 15 minutes to dig out the tooth, but it is violent and real quite crazy the way they go about it. It's like a guy trying to pull a big nail out of solid oak with a sharp pair of plyers. Back and forth, back and forth, over an over, until he was so exhausted that he had to take a knee. Meanwhile blood is pouring down the back of my throat faster than the assistant can thuck it up. And then again with the wrenching, crazy wild-eyed vein-in-the-forehead insanity. And then you start to hear sickening cracking noises – either we're getting somewhere, or he broke my jaw. That son of a bitch molar did not want to leave my head. I got really nervous when the Surgeon backed up against the wall and got a run on it. Aaaaaa, just kidding props go out to Wade Hill one fine oral surgeon and not a bad uncle, as well as Heather the angel of the fam.

I'm home now and all the numbness has gone away, wow what a crater. My tongue can not leave it alone. Tongues love changes in one's dental layout – it'll be days before my tongue gets over the new development. The downside is now that the anesthesia has all worn off, this motha hurts. Happily I have my little bottle of pills – unfortunately I think I'll actually be using these babies to kill the pain, instead of the boredom.