If You Were a Rich Man . . .

"See this seedless green grape broseph, I'm gonna insert it into my rectum, run around the block and then pull it out. If, by chance, it turns into a goats eyeball that's gonna totally freak me out. As for the money, go screw yourself."

Who wishes they were Johnny Depp? Who wishes they were Keira Knightley? Who wishes they would just donate 5 million to your favorite charity - your checking account. I wonder if anybody has ever just walked up to a rich person and just said, "Look, you've got more money than you know what to do with. If you were to give me say half a mill, you wouldn't even notice, and my life goes from hardship and struggle to awesome and/or sweet. It may not get you into heaven, but I'm thinkin' some pretty killer Karma might be swinging your way. Plus, it's probably a write off, right. I tell you what - I know a guy who can play around with this and that and presto I'm a charity. The Bone clinic, Osteopatheo thiseo thateo - "Bing" write off every pennyeo bro.

No, no no - you don't wanna sleep on it. These things need to be impulsive, once you start worrying about logic and practicality, then POOF - away goes the magic. You're gonna totally lose that spontenaeity, that capricious serendipity that's got us both caught up in this dream, this fantasy. Sleep on it and you're just gonna change your mind, then next thing you know you're no longer a benevolent dream-maker and I'm out half a mill. Think about what this whole thing means to both of us now? How often do you get to play God? You're God, dude. I'm like a grasshopper in a mayo jar and you're the kid with the magnifying glass. Because if you decide not to give me the dough now that you've dangled it so cruelly just out of my reach, you're going to ruin my life - you're gonna burn a smoking hole in my side.

It's sort shifting now - you feel that? Now it's all about "if you don't give it to me, after it's essentially already mine," then you're basically ruining someone's life. Ask yourself - do I wanna ruin someone's life? Am I a life ruiner - is that who I am? A Scrooge, a miserly penny-pinching skin-flint. A man with no heart or soul or sense of magic. I'm sorry to have to put you in this position, but if you harden your heart now, after you've practically changed my life and the life of my beautiful baby daughters. See those angels - that there's Lennon and there's little Zoe, I think they should go to college, and have straight teeth, and shoes - My friend, my girls don't complain, but I know they get tired of eating those gvmnt cheese sandwiches. Excuse me a moment, I'm sorry (sniff) . . .

I just feel terrible now. I've gone and put you in a terrible position. You're obviously not gonna be able to walk away from this with any self respect, much less any kind of decent Karma, unless you cut me a check? I tell you what, I feel like I've manipulated you, to the point that any more than "400 thou" is going to make me feel guilty - and I won't have you doing that to me. No way man - that half Mill, that's tainted for me now. That's dirty money. True, a mere 400 thou isn't going to be as sweet a write-off for you, and I apologize for that, but I can't take the half mill now, I'm not gonna lug that around on my conscience for the next couple of days. Huh uh.

So whaddaya think? Might be worth a try, you've got nothing to lose but your self respect, and who really gives a crap about that. If you had any self respect you wouldn't be sitting there at work reading this shit.

To be honest I had just planned to sit down and beg off for the day, I've got to make a few fixes on my script and get copies made bla bla bla sorry no Bone today, but the TV was on in the background and they were talking about POTC (Pirates of the Caribbean - not Passion of the Christ) and I just wrote those two stupid lines at the top and next thing you know a blog plopped out. I've got a little cleaning up to do now (you'd know what I mean if you've ever had a blog plop out). Wish me luck - this script of mine is beyond bitchin - all I need is one influential person to read it and you'll be hitting me up for half a mill. Give it a shot, but you can be sure I'm going to sleep on it.
GB-BO