Kim Jong Ill'n

The Liberace thing might work, but I still say the skins is your ticket.

I just got off the phone with Kim Jong Il, I just figured I'd try to talk some sense into the nutty bastard, but there's no getting through to the guy. I'm like dude what gives – your silly little missiles don't even make it past the city limits, man? What happens when you strap a nuke to one of those weak-ass SCUDs? You're going to blow your own ass up, and I know you don't want that. You're not headed off to see Allah and get your allotment of personal virgins? That's the life you're living now dude? You might want to google "the Cold War" and bone up on the whole nuclear standoff thing. Being vaporized means no more Scandanavian models to hop in the sack with, no more Hollywood dreams – it means your country gets turned into glass and your ass is glass - first. So leave the nuke play up to the Iranians bro, you're not doing yourself any favors and those guys don't care if they die – they're the ones with the mistaken dillusions about paradise and free virgins.

Why on earth would you want to blow the action you got goin' on? How many guys do you know who live in palaces, chuck full of hotties willing to tickle your every fancy? Why would you mess that up, just because you like goofing around with bottle rockets that are never going to accomplish anything but getting your goofy, nerd ass evicted from the Garden. True you're scaring us a little bit, but why rock the love boat? Just put down the projectiles, and enjoy the attention that your projectile is getting from as many hotties as you can dig. I understand that you want respect, but if you just want attention, why not go for the good kind. Take that money you're spending on these embarrassing missiles that are just making you the laughing stock of the international community and pour all that money into humanitarian aid. Hell, if you want to get into movies, give the city of New Orleans a couple mil. You could star in your own life story, go New Orleans and you can throw in as much gratuitous sex as you want – you need to start thinking about getting chicks who actually want to have sex with you, instead of chicks who are going to get beheaded if they don't give you some. Wouldn't that be awesome, hearing authentic moaning, instead of method acting?

Dude, you could live the American dream, all you have to do is apply yourself, use those resources to make people like you instead of pretending to like you because they're afraid you might separate them from their genitalia. Think about it – the Kim Jong-il story, directed my Steven Spielberg, starring Jet Li as the great Kim Jong-il? Li spelled backward is iL bro, it's kismet, serendipity - put away the rockets and start thinking with your pocket rocket. That's how it's done in Hollywood, and we both know you respect Hollywood more than anything. You just need to replace the rockets with a new hobby, a new interest – I can't help but picturing you behind a bitchin set of drums. You're only two sticks away from banging away on Pamela Lee. A couple of tats, grow the hair – you could take that route into Hollywood. Read the site, Tommy Lee is starring in a film with Dennis Hopper and Val Kilmer – dude you're so pimp, you could rule Hollywood – screw that silly chop-stick clicking country. People perceive you as a bad guy, that's cool – chicks dig that bad boy thing, but the whole missile thing is a turn off. Hollywood is calling Kim Jong-iL the milk and honey awaits, just say yes, Kim. Conquer the world like a real man. We'll roll over for you like a whore, bro? Promise me you'll sleep on it.