Night of the Wombat - Let's Do This

What do you get when you mix Lesbians, Lebanese and Lemurs? Night of the Wombat!

It's time to see if this spruce goose will fly. As you may know we're attempting an investigative cyber-sting by submitting a screenplay that I wrote on-line over the past several days entitled Night of the Wombat. (Read below). The outfit we're punking is called the Screenplay Agency! Chosen because it's so illiterately written that it has to be bogus - plus they stole our website design. Here's a little taste of their game:

The Screenplay Agency

"The written word when combined with the visual power of media has the power to make us laugh, cry, expose our failings, and give us the tools to fix them. The right words can literally change the world. As literary agents for screenplays, it is our job and pleasure to bring our clients' vision and work to fruition "on the big screen".

Then they set the hook on us hapless non-professional screenwriters with the following:

"We take pride in finding and developing fresh, new literary talent. We believe that just because you are a new writer doesn't mean that your work should be excluded from the marketplace, and we promise to work hard to give you a chance at success."

The scam is pretty simple, first they have you E-mail them a synopsis (or "logline) of your script.

Based on your Logline they determine if you've got what it takes to make it as big-time Hollywood picture writer. Then they keep you nice and comfortable while they lead you down the primrose path, and don't start asking for money until eveybody's excited as hell about your work. Hence I sat out to write a really bad script, as it turns out it's pretty stupid but I found it extremely difficult to be bad. You be the judge. In any case it's still bad enough that I doubt you'd get far in Hollywood, but to the folks at The Screenplay Agency it might look promising - we shall see?

Before I started writing the script I came up with the log-line that I'm going to tweak a bit - the original was:

LOGLINE: When a violent thunderstorm sets upon an abandoned Australian nuclear plant, a bolt of lightning strikes a storage facility – reactivating a portion of the plants dormant core. As the smoke dissipates, staring from their enormous nest are the red, beady, soulless eyes of a hundreds of wombats.

The script veered away from this description substantially, but I still kind of like it. I may go with something more like:

"When a pair of kooky terrorists set out to nuke the Holy land it's up to an ancient Aborigine legend known as Wombatman to sort out the bad guys and in the process reunite a crusading lesbian with a long lost loved one."

I know what you're thinking – he can't seriously think his script is any good - take a look. Sometimes you get lucky. In any case I've got enough written now that we can safely send off our initial correspondance with the logline and still have plenty of time to send them a good chunk of movie. They ask for all or part - so they'll get part and we'll get to see if we're a budding genius who must pony up some dough to secure representation, or if they smell a womrat or get wind of our game and just ignore us. I'd say that's fairly unlikely - we're only in a week.

Once again I'll offer one of my favorite passages from their homepage as proof of TSA's line of baloney. As you notice how badly this is written (count how many times the word "we " is used) bear in mind the point the paragraph is trying to get across.

"We believe we are very different than other agencies. We believe that we are unique in that we are willing to develop an author and their talent. We like the metaphor of a business incubator as a description of how we will take time to bring an author's work to the proper quality level, even if it takes months to do so. We take pride in the fact that we answer every email personally within 2-3 days.

(Don't think I'm not going to check up on their stellar E-mail performance.)

Ladies and Gentleman I give you the beginning of

Night of the Wombat

FADE IN:

New Zealand Present Day

Ext. Monstrous Industrial Building – Night

A tremendous, windy rainstorm is battering the ground in ghostly sheets and wind is savaging the rickety old leafless trees that move as grudgingly as arthritic hands grasping heavenward for rain. Lightning regularly illuminates a gothic tableau of colossal cement fortresses beneath two round monoliths, the enormous round chimney towers of the greatest Debacle in the history of New Zealand. The Helios Nuclear Reactor, built by man, named after a Greek God and destined to stand idle, never generating so much as a Watt thanks to a National referendum. The people had spoken and the mighty steel and concrete fortress would forever stand as a monument to bureaucracy and it's evil twin malfeasance. A metaphor as lasting and absurd as the great fiery chariot that so faithfully blazed a path across the sky in more noble times. Close up the rain water gushes over and under the many levels of the crumbling cement beast.

TIME CUT:

Int. Chimney Cylinder – Night

Looking upward into the vast, greenish metallic void - water cascades from high above through leaks in the roof. Following the water to where it splashes through an alluminum flooring grid, a rat is drinking water that pools atop a case for a Men At Work CD. There are sudden human voices the rat turns tail and gets about 6 inches before an enormous workboot crushes it right through the grid and from beneath the critter is all but food-processed. Above, two big, swarthy-complected men struggle with a heavy-crate. They set it down and mop the sweat from their brows with coverall sleeves. They complain in an Arabic sounding language, then one gives the other a companionable swat and then rattles off a line with the unmistakable rhythm of a set-up for a joke - the last two words being unmistakably "Mel Gibson" -

Worker # 1
(after a puchline pause)
Two Mel Gibson -

The comedian smacks his partner, clearly disappointed in his stunted sense of humor. As they resume their work, the rat comes back into focus and we follow a drop of its blood in slowed motion all the way to a puddle of it on cement flooring deep within the facility. The blood is near a door that's ajar enough to show several inches of complete darkness. As the ripples in the pool slowly smooth we pan until the reflection upon the blood angles to reveal a creature, head-lowered, licking it's enormous, twisted fangs. Then slowly raises it's wolfen head until we see the eyes of some kind of freakish ungodly beast.

TIME CUT:

Ext. Convertible Lincoln - Night

From a hideaway parking spot that offers a stunning vantage of the Helios plant from a mile away. A full moon reflecting off the ocean beyond the tower closest to the ocean lends a more dramatic effect. After a moment we are in the backseat of the car with Robin Drake and Bryce Cunningham - they are in the front seat.

Robin
Are you serious? It's not about sex?
I want to keep having sex with you and you
don't want to have sex with me anymore -
I really think you're wrong - I'm pretty sure
sex figures into this, thing . . . somehow -

Bryce
Did I tell you, it would just fuck everything
up? I'm not . . . gay, I just, I dunno I wanted
to do something nice for you. (off Robin's look)
Don't look at me like that, you . . . get me drunk
and start begging, then you do that y'know thing -
I love you Rob, but you know I'm never going
to kiss you in public, or hold hands, or any of
that - there's no way that I'll ever change about
that - The more you keep suckering me into bed with
you, the more you're going to resent, that I'm
never going to wanna, do any of . . . that -

Robin
Okay, just forget it - we're wasting the most romantic
moon of all time. (They exchange different smiles, and
rest their heads together) Man, being in love is such
a fucking drag -

From off camera there is a rustling and then footsteps of rapid approach, as Robin fumbles for the keys an indistinct figure is suddenly at the side of the car raising some kind of large object and smashing the window so violently that whatever it is becomes pinched in the glass. Just as suddenly the assailant has vanished with a noisy exit through the heavy brush.

The girls remain as quiet as their instincts and nervous systems permit. Between them we see Bryce's hand turn the key, but the lights from the dash give up just enough light to see the bloodied and horribly smashed face of a koala - bits of fur and flesh poking through the shattered glass. After a good bit of tandem screaming, Robin switches on the headlights and slams the Lincoln in gear, but the rain from the previous night causes the tires to slip and slide out sideways and bounce before finding rocky purchase. The car manages to limp onto the road, but their poor visiblilty causes them to keep their speed disquietingly slow -

Robin
Get my equipment bag - my bats -

The sound of wood and aluminum banging causes a frightful din, but Bryce comes up swinging - first poking the unfortunate marsupial out and off the hood and then more carefully poking the driver's side glass to clear Robin's line of sight. With each new glimpse of the road, Bryce get's the car up to a more comfortable speed. Bryce stops to catch her breath and then a crashing noise from the back seat. They both scream and Robin nearly loses control - but both have to laugh at each other when they realize it was only her bat-bag falling off the seat. Bryce twists around again and tosses them back up and keeps a wary eye out the back. She squints and leans a bit as a figure lopes toward the road against the setting moon, then stands erect once it reaches the road. Watching.

TIME CUT:

Int. Palace/Office - Night

Sheik Ansuhkit
(into a cell phone)
Very good Amhad, Allah will be very, very pleased.
Now tell me - how soon you make uh delivery system uh,
how to say - working good for a shit?

The aging, yet Omar Sharif-looking Sheik, motions an entry gesture as the gold-plaited door opens and three blonde women are ushered in.

Sheik Ansuhkit (cont'd)
(responding to the gorgeous women - sotto)
Holy Jesus (into the cell again) What? How dare you -
suggest that I say this? Do you think I will not cut
the tongue out from your insolent head? All, uh
the sudden Allah has the doubts again about uh, Amhad uh
loyalty to most holy of kick-assing Jihad?

The Sheik cradles the phone in the crook of his neck and gestures twice quickly for the girls to remove their tops.

Sheik Ansuhkit (cont'd)
Yes - this is more like it, yes -
(frowning suddenly)
Of course I'm still talking to you! Do you think I have
some magic telephone to uh, talk to two people? How I
put fool in charge of most important operation in Talzbelah history?

CONTINUOUS:

Ext. Near Power Plant - Night

From the ocean looking toward the Helios Plant we do a rapid POV approach starting in the bow of a sleek sea vessel, along a twisting river, following a faint light down several flights of stairs into a cramped makeshift office deep within the plant.

Amhad
(Slamming down the phone - to his partner)
A fool! If I am the fool - Sheik Ansuhkit is the
fucking fool on the "hill!" I tell him, Sheik if you
nuke Israel, you also nuke your own country? Then he say -
(in a mocking voice)
Do you disbelieve the prophet of thee "last day?"

Hassan
Who gives shit? When Jew go boom - whoever else go boom, are we safe in
bosom of Allah? No we safe in Hawaii, to spend six million dollars, man?
(slapping Amhad on the back)
Fucka thee world, uh? Fuck it - what it ever do for you?
Thee Middle East - fucking joke - blood and sand and more blood -

Amhad
(laughing)
and more sand -

Fifteen feet away from the cone of light that the two terrorists sit within, a POV camera circles them at knee level. There is a metallic smack and then a large tin of provisions roll toward Amhad and Hassan. From their vantage we see a large hairy tail snap around a stack of crates into darkness. The two men look at each other spooked and confused.

Amhad
Fucking big rat man?

Hassan
This I saw the last night - I tell you - it's Uranus - everything
getting huge!

Amhad
Uranium asshole - are you "trying" to be, stupid stereotype sidekick?

Hassan
I tell you - everything here is too much big - I smash fly, half the
size of both my balls - here, I save for you, look at this -

He produces a wad of paper and Amhad swats it away -

Amhad
I take your word for this -

Suddenly the wad of paper starts to move and buzz in a circle until a huge fly tears through the paper and flies awkwardly away. It bumps into a panel of electronic lights which causes the circuits to go haywire. We leave the terrorists as they frantically begin to hit switches trying to set things right.

TIME CUT:

Int. Darkened Bedroom - Night

Bryce rolls off Robin panting hoarsely -

Bryce
Y'happy now?

Robin
Oh hey - happy, cheerful . . . gay?

Bryce
It's funny, but at times like this, I can picture myself
kissing you passionately in the checkout line at a
Supermarket. At 6 o'clock at night.

Hopping off the bed and into the bathroom -

Robin
You do know how to sweet-talk a gal -

Bryce
I'm sorry - I don't mean to be such a pain - I'm just tired
of hanging around that nuclear plant like Scooby and Shaggy.
I am so not going near that spooky ass place again. You can
say what you want, but whatever that was tried to kill us
with that teddy bear . . . wasn't human -

Robin (O.C.)
Really then - and you call me the Conspiracy theorist.

Bryce
You know I believe you Rob - there's no way your Uncle
died the way they said, and I'll admit it's been kinda fun
playing Velma and Louise - I just don't know how you expect
to prove anything watching flashlights moving around in the Plant
from a mile away. And now that we got Sasquatch lurking around -
you're gonna be goin' solo on the investigation if you plan on going
back.

Sitting on the foot of the bed, looking away -

Robin
They say God hates a pussy -

Bryce
Are they talking about cowards or vaginas?

Robin
You're an ass

Bryce switches on the television and flips around idly until she comes across a local news station running a bulletin that captures their attention immediately. Turning toward the television we see a field reporter standing near foliage and in the background the twin towers of the Power Plant loom in the distance. Just behind him wildlife workers are bagging up bloodied carcasses.

Reporter
It seems as though the curse of Helios has reared it's ugly
head once again. Local wildlife officials have been confounded
by the discovery of dozens of wild animal mutilations.

Cut to footage of a Crocodile Hunter looking fellow:

Official
It's mostly roos and koala, but the puzzling thing is this
appears to be the handi-work of a predator that is certainly not
indigenous to these parts. Whatever is doing this, has enormous power
like a grizzly bear and the bite marks are just amazing - it's as though
an adult tiger shark grew legs and we don't know what to make of the
footprints. Those of you UFO enthusiasts, sorry mates - these killings
bear none of the surgical precision associated with those theories.
Whatever is doing this is obviously killing, eating only small portions
then killing again.

Reporter (O.C.)
Have you ruled out dingoes?

Official
I'm afraid so, at last count there were close to twenty Dingoes among
the unfortunates. There's no chance of it being any predator known to the
continent. And so far the few international experts are just as puzzled.
On a somewhat humorous note there's a creature that dates back to ancient Aborigine lore known to be responsible for this sort of wild attack. You'll have to pardon the pronunciation - Yindjipuyakan is the best I can do. The humorous part is that the best translation is Wombatman.

Back to the Field reporter.

Anchorman
"Dada dada dada dada Wombatman" (laughing) Our thanks to Jack Cahill
for that fine report, hopefully we can get something more on the strange
tragedy, but that looks like all we've got for the moment. (To the Weatherman) I don't suppose there's anything that wacky on the weather front -
Drawing out of the television and swinging back toward the bed where Bryce and Robin look stunned -

Bryce
Are you thinking what . . .?

Robin
That's our boy -

Bryce
Bloody hell -

TIME CUT:

Int. Sheik's Palace - Night

Shiek
(into a cell phone)
Amhad, I call to congratulate you on, uh brilliant ploy.
Do not be so modest, you make me swell up with thee, blood -
I fear that perhaps I have underestimated you - this is work of art.
You can be sure no one will come poking around our business, now -
or they get, uh tore apart to shreds - Boo hoo hoo ha - I love this.
I tell advisor with me now (groping a blonde plaything) This
Amhad Fahked will one day rise to glorious occasion. He uh - be all
that he can be.

The Sheik muffles his laughter in the bosom of his buxom advisor and hangs up.

Shiek
(more or less to himself)
Little does he know that 'he' is delivery system.
Him and his dimshit partner. Six million dollars -
(leaning back to admire his advisors ample breasts)
What a couple of suckers -

TIME CUT:

Int. Power Plant - Night

Amhad is busy at a computer as he shrugs his head and shoulders pitching the cell phone on the head of his sleeping partner.

Amhad
Wake up monkey, ass - what the hell did you do?

Hassan
What you want?

Amhad
How many animals did you kill?

Hassan
I don't know - a sheep, a squirrel - some other,
jumping-around thing - you want I should kill more?

Amhad
No, no - evidently that was . . . impressive -
Why don't you go have a look around - make a use
of yourself?

Hassan
'You' have look around, I am always to look around?
This place give me the shiver in my creeps -

Amhad
Okay, go ahead and catch up on your napping -
Earn your share of the six million -

Hassan grumbles something and gets to his feet, grabs a gun and points it into the darkness, suddenly fearful - Amhad turns concerned -

Amhad
What is it?

Hassan lets a loud fart very close to Amhad's face, and walks off laughing -

Hassan
It is nothing - in the end it turns out nothing -

Amhad
(resuming his work)
They kick uh, scummy bastards like you
out of Hawaii -

Following Hassan from behind his shoulder descending down a couple flights of stairs, and along a catwalk to a door open wide but leading into darkness. He steps up cautiously with the gun held before him. He cranes his neck both ways peeking into the darkness beyond and as he goes to step through the threshold the door slams in his face. He is startled so badly that he fumbles the gun that clinks and clatters down into unknown levels of darkness. He peers down after the gun, cursing his clumsiness, as beyond him the door slowly begins to swing open. As it comes to a stop it creaks a bit which catches the attention of Hassan. He stumbles back a step then there is an odd high-pitched yowling as Hassan shreiks and begins punching at a Tazmanian devil savagely attacking his lower-legs. Close up on a bloody wild fury, Hassan begins to kick the creature into a metal stairway pole. As we study the madness and terror on Hassan's face, blood begins to splatter upward on his white tunic and head, as he frantically kicks and kicks. Soon the animal is subdued enough to allow Hassan to grab the animal by the tail and give it a deadly overhead hammering to the metal grid. He kicks the lifeless devil over the stairs and scrambles across the catwalk and up the stairs. The camera follows his ascent and slowly trucks to a dark archway in the well of the staircase, descending in shadows there is a man in a security guard shirt and pants. He is facing away from us watching Hassan's escape, as we approach him it becomes clear that he is seething in anger as his hairy forearms bulge almost to pulse and his spine is an arched ridge stretching his shirt. His spine bulges with his rapid breathing to the point that the sharpest most pronounced vertabrae pops through the fabric of his shirt.

TIME CUT:

Ext. Robin's Caddy - Night

The ladies are driving along a highway with the top of the car up. Bryce sarcastically taps on the windshield -

Bryce
I like the new glass, it really makes a difference -

Robin
Look, you don't have to come - frankly I'm surprised
you're here?

Bryce
I can't help myself, the plot has thickened. Believe
it or not I'm beginning to think you're right about
Bigfoot. If he's a bloodthirsty mutant killing machine
- why didn't we end up like one of those roos. He must've
been trying to scare us off?

Robin
I'm gonna feel bad if I'm wrong and you get eaten alive -

Bryce
You're the only one who gets to eat me alive?

Robin
I really do love it when you're like this, but since I'm
not at all sure if Bigfoot was really trying to scare us
off, much less why - I hope you're still in this good
a mood three hours from now -

Bryce
Okay, you win - I'm scared shitless. On the other hand
I'm sorta horny -

Zooming above the car, up through the trees then above them looking out toward the ocean and the Power Plant.

TIME CUT:

Ext. Ocean Craft - Night

By the light of the moon we see two boats moored together miles offshore. Hassan and Amhad hop aboard the bigger of the boats and are ushered down stairs into the boat's cabin. As the door opens a burly man frisks both men and steps aside.

Amhad
Mr. Cahill, I presume?

The Field reporter from the television station turns in his captains chair and knits his fingers behind his head as he regards his acquaintances -

Mr. Cahill
Call me Jack.
(standing to shake hands with Amhad)
Mr. Fakehd I presume. I have to admire a man
who can make it through life with a name like
Fakehd.

Amhad
Pardon, uh?

Jack
Nevermind - it's Amhad I believe -

Amhad
Yes - it is better to use the number one, name -

Jack
So it is - and your friend is Hassan, am I -

Hassan
(stepping up for a shake)
Yes, is correct - Mr. uh, Jack -

Jack
Super, can I get you a drink then?

Hassan
Yes.

Amhad
No. Well perhaps a Coca-Cola?

Jack
Rooster - have we got any Cokes?

Rooster
No Coke - Pepsi?

Amhad
Oh goodness no, thank you - must uh, drive thee
boat -

Jack
Right - play it safe, eh?

Amhad
Yes, to play it safe. Is . . . the better -

Jack
In that case, why don't we talk Turkey?

Amhad
(troubled suddenly)
No Turkey uh, I thought you know is the Israel?

Jack
(huffing a laugh)
No I just meant we should, get down to business -

Amhad
(chuckling)
Right, my apologies. I guess I am too nervous -
turkey business, of course. turkey business -
American language is uh, too much uh, confuse uh -

Jack
(terse)
'American' language?

Amhad
Again my apology, of course I mean the tongue of
the infidel, you know pig uh, dog - I'm sorry -

Jack
Right. And in the tongue of the 'how you say'
infidel pig dog - did you bring the money?

Amhad
(after an awkward pause)
Yes, we can access the money you speak of,
but I must first uh, inquire as to the fishing -
I trust the fishing has been a, success?

Jack
Where are my manners? Right you are mate - it's
only right that you get a little look-see at the
merchandise, before we get down to the turkey -

Amhad
Yes uh, this is only right uh thing. To fish
before turkey, is true -

Hassan
(laughing stupidly)
Fish then turkey - is funny no?

Amhad
No. We agreed you were not to utter a sound, yes?

Hassan
. . . yes.

Jack
Alright then - whatsay we get ourselves a nice gander
at the bloody fish -

Hassan
Ye/

TIME CUT:

Ext. Power Plant - Night

The ladies are stealing across an expanse of concrete walls looking anxiously about as they head for a dim light coming from a door in the distance.

Bryce
Reluctant Lesbian Disemboweled Near Cursed Power Plant -

Robin
Don't forget pictures at Eleven -

They come to a huge concrete corner and -

Bryce
Hold on Rob, I've gotta take a bloody pee -
or I'm gonna rupture something?

Robin
Well hurry up then, try not to get any on me -

Bryce squats and takes a few awkward ducksteps and lets loose, then gears up and stands.

Robin (cont'd)
Great now they can follow our footsteps -

Bryce
Maybe I should just stay here?

Robin
It'll probably evaporate -
(having a good look)
Let's go -

Bryce
Just did, thanks -

Robin
I'm just glad I didn't leave a scent -
for the mutant killer fiend to follow -

Bryce
(wiping her hands and fingers on Robin's back)
Exactly, because that would be like a death sentence -

TIME CUT:

Ext. Ocean Water - Night

On the surface of the sea, we bob up and down with the waves, until the enormous dorsal and tail fin of a Killer Whale pass close up. After it passes we angle up at the bow of a boat where the terrorists and their hosts are standing. Then from their POV we again see the Killer Whale glide past. It dissolves in the background and close up we see hands holding a remote control similar looking to a video game controls.

Jack
Gentleman meet Willie. You can set her to go at a straight course for as long as you want. You can control it's course from a satellite up to a variance of 5 yards and it's organic components are sustained by an an artificial heart, so as long as you keep it very cold - the flesh will will last for at least a year. The internal chamber is equipped with an anti- anti-detection system so sophisticated that even a marine biologist would never suspect anything fishy (laughs). It's too bad you want to blow up the Jews because you could make millions smuggling heroin - hundreds of millions. Speaking of money - Willie is not free mate?

Amhad
And the specs?

Jack
They're in a waterproof cannister in Willie's mouth.
In English, Arabic and American pig-dog - a school boy could
figure it out, mate. Now - I'm afraid I'll be wanting
to get a look at that six million, now -

TIME CUT:

Ext. Ocean - Night

Again we see the black and white killer whale this time from the back to front as it glides along the surface of the water, as we reach it's mouth there is a man riding sideways inside it's giant jaws, as we angle around we see Jack Cahill's bullet-riddled head. The whale dissolves and beyond it Amhad and Hassan are standing at the bow of their boat playing with the remote controls -

Amhad
He was right, this 'is' piece of cake.

Hassan
I've been thinking about heroin idea -
perhaps now we have fish 'and' money we
might want to have a thought or two -
How many people do you know who have thee nuclear
weapon and fake real fish? Here, give it here, it
is my turn to play with fish -

Amhad
Is not 6 million idiot - is only three - the six million
is for us when fish go boom. It is good we have this, you're
right, I don't trust Sheik Ansuhkit. Sometimes I think he
plans to have Allah reward us -

Hassan
. . . I do not trust that guy either -

TIME CUT:

Int. Power Plant - Night

The ladies are slowly making their way along a dark corridor both weilding pistols before them -

Bryce
It's too bad this is so scary, or it would be so fucking fun -