O.J. Simpson: All Pro Running Backward

"Looky here, I broke my finger, I went and broke my damn finger."

Most criminals start off in the shallow end of the pool. Maybe a little shoplifting when they're kids, then on to petty larceny – maybe breaking into a car and stealing stereo components. At which point they either make crime a serious career choice get some guns and take a shot at the big time, or they get hooked on drugs and throw away their criminal future committing opportunistic crimes sufficient to support their habit. A criminal mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Of course not all criminals start small and work their way up, there a rare breed who have what it takes to skip right over all the training, and start out right at the top. Just look at everyone's favorite bloodthirsty cutthroat. O.J. Simpson. Here's a little test: when someone mentions a White Bronco who do you automatically think of? If you said John Elway you're incorrect. When he retired he was so beloved that he could have done anything, just think what a phenomenal Hollywood agent he would have made? Not even the most veteran players at CAA or William Morris could've gotten Kato Kalin on television. Many tried, but only OJ could pull it off.

Unlike most criminals who start out small and eventually work their way up the ranks, OJ seems to be taking the opposite approach. You'd think that if you can get away with murder you could get away with breaking into a hotel room and stealing some sports memorabilia? Whatever you do don't jump to conclusions, just because he's behind bars, because that's how OJ rolls. You see OJ figured out a long time ago that the best way to get away with a crime is to go ahead and get caught. I doubt he'll need to dig too deep into his bag of tricks to get off on these charges – you won't be seeing helicopter shots of a SUV driving slowly along 1-15 with the famous Las Vegas skyline for a back drop. I think OJ will go straight to his defense poetry.

In these modern times few people could quote from memory a verse of TS Elliot or Henry Longfellow, but just about everybody could recite a little OJ "Ahem – If the glove does not fit – you must acquit" I get a little lump in my throat every time, excuse me. So what will it be this time oh Laureate of the lyrical legalese? "Oh jury, oh jury we appeal t‘ya – I got plenty damn sports memo'bilia."

At the rate he's going, maybe 20 years from now the Juice will have worked his way down to crimes like jaywalking. "Oh officer now please be fair, I left my glasses in my other wheelchair.

Here's mine for ya juice:

Have mercy your honor, I've been a bad boy,
But at least I didn't take no damn steroid.

At least nobody got killed, huh?