The Passion of Superman

"You fellers ever been in a montage?"

After having just seen an advanced screening of the much anticipated Superman Returns I feel compelled to toss off a quick review – I'll try not to spoil anything for you many earthlings who will be hitting the multiplex over the next several days.

Obviously there's been a lot of rumors circulating on the net about Superman's sexual preference. This whole issue of the gayed-up super-homo seemed ridiculous, I mean just because in the new film Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen now work as mild-mannered reporters for the Advocate, (the Gaily Planet) this is nothing but smart marketing – expanding the appeal to a broader audience – I don't see this as a statement, but . . . there will be those who are going to read whatever they want into it. Lousy homophobes. Give me a break – just because he never actually took that super-stroll down Lois's Lane doesn't mean he didn't want to.

It's also just a bunch of misguided scuttlebutt to suggest that the planet Krypton is actually one of the 7 moons around Uranus. And even if that were the straight poop, the correct pronunciation of the planet is urine-us. I don't know it just pisses me off that the internet can be used to as a platform for any idiot to pop off.

Certainly Bryan Singer has taken a few liberties with the Superman mythos – but what would be the point in just putting a spit-shine on Dick Donner's beloved opus – with a 250 million dollar budget Singer was clearly given a mandate to put his spade into some fresh dirt and I'm totally blown away by the job he's done. (Spoiler Alert) In any case once Superman has discovered the cure for AIDS, he immediately flies off to rescue Margot Kidder who is crouched behind some bushes in Debra Winger's back yard, living on tubers and wild gooseberries. After a brief consultation with Tom Cruise and John Travolta (talk about awesome walk-ons) he returns to Metropolis to look in on things at the Gaily Planet, in the guise of Clark Kent, of course.

Ironically during his five year stretch in Uranus, Lois has had a child and is living with her fiance (James Marsden) who happens to be Perry White's nephew??? Lois' 5 year old son, as it turns out, is a peculiar lad, different from other boys – Clark is delighted by the boys strange interest in him, but things get awkward when he meets the boys father. Any reservations that Lois's new beau might have quickly melt away as Supe sweeps Marsden off his feet into a five minute montage where the two men go for a little joyride through the clouds. As they soar through the heavens, the men exchange furtive glances and Marsden lets his fingers wander as he loosens his grip around Supe's bulging pec.

Back on earth Lois has taken a Lesbian lover (Anne Heche) who is her escort to the dinner party where Lois receives the Pulitzer prize for Journalism for her article "why the world doesn't need Superman." Naturally Supes is sorely stung at this revelation, and his profound inner conflict is exposed – deep down he truly loved the world. Marsden comforts the emotional man of steel, with a steady hand on his shoulder and a soothing word,"To hell with this world, Clark, we'll always have Uranus." Supes takes Marsden's hand, stands and whispers, "I'll always have you," Whereupon Burt Reynolds appears with his trademark smirk "He's right . . . you poke it, you own it." I think that's when I spilled my first tear. I guess I didn't expect that much heart in an action flick. Reynolds really gets some of the best lines. As he walks off he kind of rolls his eyes and whispers to Jack Nicholson "gives a hole new meaning to tent-pole picture – nya," Nicholson (dressed as the Joker) pats Burt on the back and says ‘Words of wisdom, jeevesy old boy, words of wisdom. Where the hell's Lex? He was gonna bring some ladies." "Ah, who needs ‘em," Burt yaps. Suddenly as if by teleprompter they turn, size each other up and begin to do the Lambada, the forbidden dance, ah yes the dance that dare not speak it's name. We pan to a large portrait painting of Vince Lombardi, it blurs as though through tears and the credits roll.

Whew - I was drained.

PS. Superman is also Jesus!