John Mayer of Simpleton

"Do you realize that if I wasn't so tall and looked a little more like Jessica Simpson that the Boneman could have made up the funniest damn caption of all time? I hope you do, you little floozy. I hope you do. See y'in the showers"

Fortune has certainly smiled on guitarist John Mayer. After his recent brush with the Police (having the honor of performing with the band on their one off reunion - He helped Sting and company send out an SOS to the millions watching. Even holding a straight face while Kanye West attempted an impromptu rap). Kanye, guess what? I read the message in that bottle and it said "get the hell off stage this isn't about Kanye West." Commiting the ultimate in Police brutality by brutalizing this would-be Every Breath-u-taking reunion. Luckily for Kanye his mic was dead when he turned to the tens of thousands in the crowd and hollered, "Al Gore doesn't care about Black People, he can't wait for the Atlantic to roll up and swallow Harlem, Peace out!"

Still Mayer the golden child played on. Now we respect the Mayer because he's proven himself to be a ferocious blues guitarist and thus mitigated the damage of his cotton candy cloud "Your Body Is A Wonderland" crapola and he's been going through hollywood hotties like Dionysius on Viagra. His latest squeeze - up and cumming actress Minka Kelly - spent an interesting afternoon with him Monday afternoon when the Wonderboy decided to show off and go on a buying spree at Circuit City. Seems Minka's pad is sorely in need of the requisite stereo equipment to fully appreciate her paramour's music. I mean how are they supposed to make sweet love with "Your Body is a Wonderland" blasting in the background unless they set Minka up for sound?

To borrow a phrase coined by our very own Boneman "If you think you're the shit, your bound to step in some." Which is exactly what the young wonderboy did. It turns out that John's Mammoth load of Circuitry came to quite a tidy sum and when John was unable to produce a picture ID in order to validate that the credit card he slapped down was indeed his, the young Prince became indignant. And said those oh so unforgivable six words that no celebrity should ever EVER utter. But as Mayer's frustration mounted he did indeed ask the clerk the question loud enough so every one in the city (Circuit city that is) could here. "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? To which the clerk calmly replied with the magic word . . . "no." Good answer.

In the commotion that ensued the clerk misunderstood what was been said when Mayer tryed to explain to the clerk who he was, to which he reportedly replied "no kidding and I'm the Governor." The situation was a leer and a snide remark away from chaos when the store's manager came trotting up shook John's hand confessed to being a huge fan and diffused the sitch. That guy's got upper management written all over him. Shaken and embarrassed Mayer and Minka took their mountain of merch to their SUV. Minka told our Hollywood correspondant that John was sullen and distant the rest of the evening and later in bed he muttered in his sleep "I played with the Police, that's huge you power-drunken 40 year old virgin."