473 Friends and Counting

He used to be so innocent.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to sue the Dockers off the backside of your former best friend; whom, in due course, has proven himself to be a back-stabbing pissrat, fit only for universal loathing. Indeed it would be fortunate if this unpleasantness turned out to be a bad dream or a good movie. In this instance, I'm happy to report that it is the latter - vis-à-vis the lurid re-creation of the melodramatic circumstances surrounding the advent of the internet phenomenon known as Facebook. Or as I call it "Scrapbooking without glue."

I finally got around to renting "The Social Network" and I should say that I found it quite entertaining, though something of a downer. Who would have guessed, for example, that Justin Timberlake would turn out to be such a manipulative little turd. Oh dear, now I've gone and spoiled it for everybody – just pretend that I said Justin Bieber. The movie ‘does' explore many of the darker aspects of human nature; it's not like the real Facebook where woman you vaguely remember from High School informs everyone what she might be fixing for supper. As I mistakenly mentioned it's more about Justin Timberlake being a smarmy little wiener.

The ending serves up a tricky curveball. It shows the main character sitting by himself, his every bridge burned, scarce a friend left to his name – a melancholy figure set against the L.A. skyline doodling with the toy that caused all the fuss. That's when BANG! the whole moral of the story just nails you right between the eyes. It's the oldest lesson in the book, but "The Social Network" lays it out in a way that just staggers you and yet it's as simple as this: "why, why for the love of Pete, am I feeling sorry some snotty kid who's as rich as Bill Gates?" Yes compassion is one of our more noble virtues, but is there no limit? {use Bill Murray voice} "Come here ya knucklehead, I think I know a multi-billionaire who could use couple-a nooggies. Aaaaa was that a smile? I think it was! Excuse me, what's this? Special order for a Mr. Gloomy Gustov Gates – certificate good for one extra king-sized "Grin and Bear Hug" – from everybody! Come-on get in close - look at that smile. Whaddaya know, being filthy rich doesn't suck after all!"

All during the movie I kept thinking, "man, t'hell with the judicial branch of the government, if the little twerp did that to me, I'd just go twist his head off." Which, I guess brings me to one of the chief bullet points of this months discourse: perhaps one of the more difficult challenges we must overcome in this mortal life is to refrain from murdering people. You scoff, but there are days when, if you look at the world from just the right angle - it's just chuck-full of jackasses - most of whom could use a good old fashion beatdown. We all have our ‘off' days where maybe we're a bit quick to anger and as the French say, the temptation to choke the living shit out of the occasional asshole can be difficult to resist. Pardon my French. So I guess the lesson here is that if we happen to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe it'd be a good idea not to slip into our Blue Suede Shoes.

I know a lot about tons of stuff now because I'm old. I've been living non-stop now for fifty some odd years and with it I've acquired one or two nuggets of wisdom. In spite of all that stuff I was yabberin' about before, this month's nugget involves the advantages of laying low, avoiding enemies, grudges, confrontations, hassles or hard feelings of any kind. It might strike you as a bit cowardly at first, but trust me, it's a very sound policy – whaddaya need with that kind of grief. Standing up for your beliefs and convictions is okay to a point - but standing up for your "opinions" is for the foolish. People want to listen to your opinions every bit as much as they want to smell your ass after a long hike. Any time someone starts off a sentence with "In my opinion" mind hears this: "Hey everybody look at me – I can almost breathe with my mouth closed. Yea, check it out, not only am I as simple as Kindergarten math, but I've learned to talk!"

You can't avoid opinions entirely - everything I've just said is technically an opinion. I just think the world would be a nicer place if we'd all keep the damn things to ourselves. And should you encounter someone who insists on sharing theirs with you - the best thing to do is agree with every stupid thing they say. It tends to shorten the presentation. Agreeing with ridiculous opinions to avoid wasted time may be a bit hard to get used to at first, but trust me, at the end of the day the sun goes down and it gets dark. That's a dumb joke, I know, but you should beware of that expression because it's a sure-fire sign of the sort of zealous over-opinionated type whose chit chat you must combat. At the end of the day I didn't get anything done, because I forgot the Boneman's advice and listened to some vapid blowhard go on and on about some inane drivel I can't even remember.

Another dead give away is the phrase "like I say." The "like I say"ers merely use this as a stalling technique to buy enough time to remember another crock of insipid baloney to sadistically bludgeon you over the head with – like I say, watch out for them. If you ask me you're better off becoming what I call an "opinion chameleon." No matter how patently moronic somebody's opinion might be - that's my opinion too, yessiree - At least for the 5 seconds I plan on conversing with them. The Lakers? Oh hey, love ‘em. My favorite team. And as for Kobe Bryant, what can I say, he's my hero and I think he ought to run for President. See ya."

The following is a failsafe measure should someone state an opinion so utterly wrong and uncouth, like "boy what a great idea it was to remake the Dudley Moore classic Arthur, with that brilliant Russell Brand" - instead of agreeing with such infernal blasphemy, just give ‘em an "all purpose" chuckle and mention that it looks like they've been working out a lot. Seriously how much weight have you lost?" Regardless their response to this, continue to praise them vehemently and excuse yourself as soon as decency permits. I take no pleasure in argument and I've been known to go to incredible lengths to avoid any kind of unpleasant interaction. I'm what most Psychologists would classify as "a wuss." Which is not to say that I don't have a few lines drawn in the sand – but this mostly happens in the wee small hours of the morning.

I think it's mostly true of all of us that our thoughts run a little bit toward the strange when we're tossing and turning in our beds late at night. We've all lost our share of sleep mentally rehashing some stupid little situation or bothersome event--imagining it in such a way as to feature us as the noble defender of truth and right. And "boy" do we have plenty of terribly clever things to say about it. There's nothing that makes a person look quite as brilliant as hindsight. Over and over we say these clever things. Unfortunately with some people, all the level-headed logic in the world just doesn't seem to work, and under such circumstances we're forced to imagine bringing resolution to the matter with a seven iron.

It says bad things about us, that even the golf club scenario is something that needs to be imagined more than once. (Should I swing it like a baseball bat, or more like an ax?) What's up with our brains late at night? We turn into bitter Grudge Monsters? At the very least we're going to pour sugar in a gas tank, but if sleep doesn't snatch us away in time, we're soon wielding a softball bat or running someone down with riding mower. Fortunately all this insomnia-insanity gets blasted all to hell by the sound of an alarm clock, or in my opinion we'd all be in prison.