A Holiday Carol

A Holiday Carol

The systematic campaign by the Jewish owned and operated media to banish Christmas from Christmastime has now reached the point of critical mass - or Critmas. Critical Mass is the physical law governing the point at which mass insipiency approaches maximum density and thereupon teeters on the brink of such absolute stupidity that it causes me to become Massively Critical. For over 20 years this not-so-subliminal version of subversion designed to replace "Christmas" with "Holiday" has been allowed to proceed unchecked - safely concealed within the festive gift box of "good will toward men." Were this a simple gesture offered in good faith I'd have no quarrel with it, but what started as a benign concession has fast evolved into a political agenda of an aggression so naked that were you not familiar with the identity of its proponents, you could probably tell if you were bold enough to gaze thereon. For whatever reason, this year they've amped up the volume to eleven and that noisome clatter that's making Jingle Bells ring a bit off true, is the artillery rolling into place in preparation for an all-out Holy War for control of the spoils of December.

Before I proceed, I should convince you that I am nothing if not a huge fan of the Jewish people. There's just no curbing my enthusiasm for the hundreds of Hebroes who have been a huge influence and inspiration - from Einstein to Seinfeld - Woody Allen to Bob Dylan. I believe that it's altogether likely that they invented comedy as we know it today and the above-mentioned few are but a microscopic "speck" on the tip of a vast and massive Spielberg / woops - Iceburg of Pro-semitism. My respect and admiration notwithstanding, enough is enough already with the Grinchwald Who Stole Christmas! It's time to draw a stick in the mud and put our foot down and step in it. Just as fair warning to all 26 of the Jewish residents of southern Utah, this Christmas I've chosen the chosen people at whom to poke a bit of well-meaning "holiday" fun. Not to worry I'm a mensch, it's just your turn.

Make no mistake, I don't mean to make light of Christ's relationship to and with the Jews. I've studied in some detail our Savior's works before, during and after His mortal ministry and to put it simply I really think it's time for the Jews to get over it? After all, it was a relative "handful" who betrayed Christ - a wealthy, proud and politically arrogant few whose conceit and corrupt collusion resulted in the crucifixion. Add to this the fact that it was foreordained that our Holy eldest brother of the spirit, Jehovah, would freely give up his life as a necessary step (however horrific) toward realizing the work and the glory of His Father and our God. Even in His most profound moment of agony, He asked that His sadistic executioners be pardoned in their ignorance. Thus in my opinion it's time for the Jews to forgive and remember - who they are.

Now, if you're anything at all like me, you're probably a little bit curious as to how and when I'm gonna make with the jokes? Oh ye of little faith. For starters I say we Merry Gentile-men get dismayed and make it Midnight Clear to these folks that we'd really like Christmas back. If you think you're fooling anybody with this "Holiday Substitution Program" you need to leave the Egg Nog alone. Thanksgiving is a Holiday, the 4th of July is a Holiday, Christmas is a Christmas and it would be nice to hear the word occasionally on Radio and TV. Is it gonna take a Festivus Miracle? Please - the jig is up. It's gone so far over-the-top that any noble purpose has been defeated and I say we put paid to this perfidity. Christmas Carols are not Holiday Songs, Christmas Spirit is not Holiday Happiness, and the Office Christmas Party is not a good time to get hammered and hit on the bosses daughter.

Being an Elder in the LDS faith brings me into kinship with the people of Judah, which is something that usually causes my warped imagination to entertain an unhealthy wealth of ill-inspired scenarios. Consider if you will Moses' Judah crew. God certainly graced them with a mighty Prophet who possessed full access to all the bells and whistles. Thus the orphaned riverling was able to put a bee in the Pharoah's bonnet along with a lot of frogs a couple zillion locust - plagues, pestilence all the killer apps. In fact he becomes so Bewitched Bothered and Bewildered that he doesn't even notice that tens of thousands of slaves, concubines, children, flocks of sheep, old blind people, goats, caged birds, a monstrous film crew and Charlton (Let my people go or I'll shoot) Heston are escaping at their leisure.

Then when Pharoah finally comes to his senses and sends his armies to capture and/or kill them, Moses parts a sea to facilitate their exit. "A sea!" You've seen the footage - it's not even muddy on the bottom, they're kicking up dust as they mosey on through with their camels and geese. Then as soon as they yank the last suckling to safety - Yo Bam! - the waters rush together and wash all the evil slave-driving bastages into a holy mutha spin-cycle smackdrown. Damn! I mean, if one day I'm getting whipped mercilessly for not building the Pyramid fast enough and the next I'm strolling along the bottom of the sea with my liberated family - about to watch the dudes that was a-whippin-on me drown in a violent crush of roiling seaweed and traumatized trout - I'm pretty much sold on this Moses guy AND his God. For life. I wouldn't dare take a leak behind a tree if I saw something like that. I'm flying the Moses flag straight down the street 'til the day I die. So let it be written.

Yea verily, not a fortnight comes to pass after this mega-miraculous deliverance from utter cruelty and squalor before the liberated are already as fidgety as a 4 year old at the DMV. "Oy vey, the sand gets in everything doesn't it? You don't want to know from my crotch. If I wasn't circumcised this sand would save the Rabbi the trouble. I feel like I'm being worn down to a shlimputz. A shlimputz." (Muffled laughter) "It's good I should keep a sense of humor - it keeps me from wondering what has Moses and his fancy sea-parting God done for us lately? I mean, as Prophets go Moses is a Mensch, there's no question but what he's got many fine leadership qualities. But what are we supposed to do when he Mosies off like the Fool on the Hill - just sit around not being whipped, beaten and abused, with our wives and daughters no longer the sex playthings of the filthy Egyptian pigs? Boring. Maybe if we had some Checkers or a nice Hacky Sack? Perhaps Moses thinks we should go around wearing little frisbees on our head, in case we must amuse ourselves when he leaves us out here twiddling our dradel? And this is to say nothing of this Mannah he expects us to eat morning noon and night? Lechliyaccch - Heaven can keep it. I don't mean to sound like a shlemozzel but when our "Messiah" comes perhaps in addition to slaughtering our enemies, and setting us up in style as rulers above all nations, maybe he can "Save" us from Moses and his Mannah. (muffled chuckles) That's what I want for Christmas. (More muffled chuckles.) I say we make ourselves one of those worshippy-whatsits. We should be able to come up with some sort of god, something we can dance around and around in a nice, sweaty naked circle. A man cannot live by bread alone. It is good that he should boogie and observe the wiggling of a generous tookus. What sayest thou - who's in the mood for a good old-fashioned show of short-sighted human folly? "Yeah whew," his pals respond, "How about a Cow?" "Now that is what I am talking to you about, my broseph. Perhaps a baby cow though, we don't want it to take all day."

The next morning Moses wanders into camp exhausted, but triumphant with his tablets and "Bride of Frankenstein" hairdo, only to find everybody passed out, hungover, the flasks of sacramental wine spent and empty in the sand, the kids chasing the geese around and the sheep are standing afar off. Skittish and for some reason, strangely reluctant to return to camp. And everyone wonders why Charlton Heston fell in love with guns.