Bookish

So I'm a college girl these days. I'm taking a couple of classes, I should say. Enough of a load that I feel justified in hanging out at the library. I can't tell you how much I love the Campus library--where else can a gal so safely spectify so many fine-fannied-Frats, while pretending to read a huge book that makes me look complicated and mysterious. I'm all about "Shhh . . . I'm trying to study--go find yourself a cheerleader Bif, you big, gorgeous slab of USDA Choice." If I never make it to heaven, I'd gladly settle for spending eternity in a college library. I'm truly in my element.

There's just something about studying in the quiet and privacy of your own room, that makes you feel like you're the only person on the planet who isn't out having the time of their lives. I don't care how scholastically inclined a person happens to be, no one wants to sit and study for five hours without any interruptions. That's why they invented libraries. I've been known to go as far as to clean my room to avoid studying--the library simply makes it so I don't have to clean my room.

It's a cool thing about libraries, that it wouldn't matter if you sat and dozed off the whole time you're there, if you go to the library at 6 and leave at 10, you walk out that door with the feeling that you've budgeted your time responsibly.

Mostly though, the library is the perfect environment for a gal to get in some quality Boywatch. Checking out the hotties, won't get you on the Dean's list, but it certainly helps break up the monotony of academic pursuit. And who really goes to college to pursue academics anyway? Fat married guys mostly, and they tend to steer clear of the library. Bless their hearts.

I'm sure many of you have probably been in the library actually trying to accomplish things, and maybe became annoyed by some kids who were breaking up the monotony a little too much. But I think most of us are a little bit hypocritical when it comes to observing the "silence is golden" rule.

For example, if I'm in the library with a group of friends and have nothing particularly pressing to do, I think nothing of conversing and laughing out loud, yappity yap. But if it's me trying to concentrate and there's a nearby table of kids "visiting with their neighbors" just a tad too loudly, there have been times when I would've loved to have seen them all savagely beaten over the head with a big dictionary and dragged away to reform school. This is college damnit.

Again that's the exception, I'm usually just there to hang out. The most entertaining thing to do with yourself at the library is to slink downstairs to the computer room and catch guys looking at porno on the net--they have amazingly quick reflexes, but usually not quick enough. I will say this--I'd sooner pick up a mouse with Hanta virus than touch some of those poor mouses down there.

The one thing that casts a bit of a gloomy shadow over the library is that silly Dewey decimal system. That needs to go down the road with the Electoral college. You're wandering around like some kind of out-patient, with this cryptic series of numbers and symbols. Maybe I'm just dumb, but once I've jotted down the strange code on my little slip of paper--I'm in the dark.

I find the most prompt and reliable way of locating a book in a library is to make eyes at the nerdy kid who's working the desk, and have him go find it for me. Any time you can use your gender to your advantage, capitalize. Besides what difference does it make what book your holding out in front of you, as long as you've got a curbside seat at the "keister parade."

P.S. Good old uncle Bone has set aside a nice little spot on his profane domain for yours truly. Browse on over and develop a tragic thing for me, I dare you. That's zboneman.com . . . I'll be waiting . . . . . .