Christmas Bonus

Patients taking Abilify are strongly cautioned to discontinue use if they suddenly become blind, stupid, insane, obese, flatulent, funny looking, or experience violent rectal bleeding or demonic possession. (Consult fine print of instruction before calling an Attorney or Priest.) Patients taking certain other medications along with Abilify should avoid all water-related activities or watersports due to partial loss of dermal water resilience. Thus doctors suggest patients taking Abilify to check for (waterproofness) before engaging in any daily water-related activities such as swimming, bathing, showering or baptism. Simply immerse your hand in water for 5-7 seconds. If after removing the hand you find it noticeably heavier with a corresponding loss in hand and finger agility - store hand in cool dry place and wait for the FDA to approve "Agilify -Your waterproofness is only a few votes away."

At this point you're probably wondering if I'll go off on one of my boring tirades about our National Healthcare system. Well you can relax. I'm as sick of health as the next guyI just decided I just decided I might
I just decided I might have been a little too harsh on my family doctor. In my last article I mentioned how he had been prescribing me the same sleep medication for the entire 15 years I've known him. On my last bi-yearly office visit he, quite unexpectedly, inquired as to whether or not I was dealing my "sleepers" on the street. "The Street?" Is 'Kojak' still on? It's amazing the lengths some people are willing to go in order to avoid the awkwardness of suggesting that someone could use a haircut. Okay, yer right Doc - it's getting a little shaggy. It's just that since my name is almost Kevin Smith, I find if I look enough like him near Christmas, I get a lot of nice stuff by mistake. To receive is better than to give. Unless we're talking about Genital Herpes. I realize that I should write the puzzling remark off as advanced senile dementia, and get on with my life - yet it haunts me!

I'm just fooling around, I love him and his family and have a world of respect for him as a doctor. He keeps a signed copy of my book on his nightstand. He says it really helps him put things in balance. He takes it out, he says, and the short leg makes that old nightstand wobble like crazy. Seriously though he was supportive of me when I made the changes in my lifestyle that allowed me to meet my responsibilities as a father and priesthood holder. And though it's true that I see him more often in Priesthood leadership meetings than in the doctors office, I 'do' wear my hair in a style far more akin to the original Apostles than the present ones. So I'm gonna give him a mulligan on the drug dealer remark. Because I've seen him golf and I know he needs an occasional second chance, goodness knows I've been given a doozie. As for the hair - it stays. Maybe, just maybe, I'll trim it up a bit as a Christmas present for my daughter Lennon. She hates my long hair, to the point of following me around the house with scissors. She's become the poster child of the "My Dad looks like a Drug Dealer" charity. For now it's my opinion that the drug dealers should have to cut 'their' hair - I look like a damn 'dork' with short hair. Have you seen Kevin Smith with the short hair and the big glasses? He looks like the short kid in Jerry McGuire. Not Tom Cruise - I mean like the young boy.

I just thought of something funny, 'weird' funny, not Tom Cruise is short 'hilarious' funny. About 3 years ago I had a doctor ask me if I'd ever 'killed' anybody. I know you're thinking 52 is pretty old to be getting asked these types of Questions. Actually the question came as a bit of comic relief during my repentance process. Ordinarily this takes place with a Bishop, but it was decided that the probability of lightning strikeage was such that a doctor was appointed to field some of the heavy duty sins. Okay this is stupid, as it turns my Bishop was a Doctor and if it weren't for this incredible example of human kindness and grace, I would have probably been fielding such questions from men in uniforms instead of suits. The "killer question" had to do with a man he was working with who was seeking forgiveness having done a long stretch at the Point of the Mountain for Manslaughter. The Bish Doctor was not making light of this, rather it was his way of lending a bit of perspective to the catalog of sins that he finally convinced me I could be forgiven of. I remember responding to his question by asking if there were any kind of "forgiveness incentive-packages" for violating all '10' commandments?

I don't know why he singled me out as a pet project - but it scares me to think where I'd be were it not for his gentle and patient deskside manner. I was, by no means an easy sell. I couldn't let go of the idea that the sheer volume of the rotten deeds I'd amassed throughout my teens and adulthood was just beyond redemption. Where do you start when you don't know which direction to go, to even find the line you originally began to cross. Much less remember half of the things that you did to end up so lost? How does one apologize when you can't remember to whom you've done what to - why where or when? Given my circumstances I felt about like I was attempting a field goal from my own 10 yard line. After I'd gone all through these real concerns, the Bish Doctor chuckled softly and sized things up with his kind twinkly eyes - me and my invisible dirigible full of despicable deeds. Then asked, "so of all these terrible things you're dragging along behind you like the big-bag full of Whoville toys that the Grinch came to regret stealing - about how many of those awful nasty things would you say you still have a problem with?" "Um, well, let's see there's beer and um . . . lying." What is it that you find you have to lie about?" "Beer?" "You lie about beer?" "Yes, y'know how often, how many. I don't want my wife to worry about it, because it's no big deal." "Good, because we're going to quitting." "How long do I have to be on the wagon before I can be ordained?" "How long have you been drinking it?" "Well, pretty much since I was 17 or so, but I quit for about four years when my girls were born." "Why did you take it up again?" "I don't really know to be honest - stress I guess. Plus it's good for you." "So can you do it? Do you want help?" "Please we're talking 3.2 Utah near bear. In Wales where I inherited my skills, Utah beer is sold with the Sports Drinks." He laughed and then the gavel came down. One Year.

I don't mean to characterize repentance as a cakewalk, I was so ashamed of my many bad decisions that I was scared to death to just lay it all bear, to admit to it all, especially to a righteous man of a different generation. I'd given it a lot of thought a number of times and until I met the Bish Doctor, I had honestly decided to just give up. I figured I'd just take my chances with whatever worth I might have as a more or less decent human being. But that just felt like giving up. Which is probably why they call it that. I stand all amazed today. Because were it not for this man taking and interest in my salvation and haranguing me into going through it, I would have done just that. Give up. As it was, it was not a lot of fun. Over the two days we worked I probably lost a good 5 pounds of tears and snot alone. It 's pretty gross. Once again, allow me to say, that if I can do it. If I can get through it. If I can tell the devil to screw it. So can you it. God wants us all back, I don't need to tell you why we celebrate Christmas. This year really celebrate.