Don't Be A-Rod

The best quote of the year came courtesy of the always reliable Charles Barkley. "You know it's all going to hell," noted Sir Charles, "when the best Rapper is a white guy and the best golfer is a black guy." True. Why didn't I think of that? You also know it's probably going to hell when a baseball player who most people haven't even heard of, signs a contract worth roughly the same amount of money it took NASA to put a man on the moon. If only Bill Gates could hit a split-finger fastball he'd have it made.

Don't mistake me for someone who pays enough attention to this sort of thing to care--it's far from the most grievous injustice in the world--and again, if I paid attention I could probably site a few poignant examples. It is, however, a curious coincidence that the greatest hitter of all time, Ted Williams, has recently been plagued with heart problems and is to undergo bypass surgery. "You happy now A Rod? You might've killed him, you greedy bastard." I don't know what I'm talking about--by the way. If I'm wrong, my sincere apologies go out to Mr. Rod.

But on to more amusing sports follies. A couple nights ago Knicks big man Marcus Camby aimed a running roundhouse at Spurs' forward Danny Ferry, only to miss his aim and bash his own coach, Jeff Van Gundy, in the eye--sending him to the hospital with a half-purple head, for 15 stitches. Later in a press statement Van Gundy admitted that he didn't see the punch coming because was keeping an eye on Latrell Sprewell. (If you don't follow sports--you're probably not going to get that one--sorry.)

Most of you I'm sure have heard something of the squabbling and infighting going on between the Lakers' Shaquille O'Neil and Kobe Bryant--evidently there just aren't enough baskets to go around. A little piece of me dies every time I think about all this senseless bickering--it just breaks your heart. "Can't we all just get along?"

It all got started when Shaq was quoted in the papers as saying something to the effect that if you're going to buy a big expensive dog to guard your house, you'd better throw him a bone once in a while. Evidently it's not enough to be paid countless millions, I guess you've also got to constantly get the ball after you've posted up in the paint for 7 seconds, take five steps, then shoulder a smaller man into the bleachers. Is that what it takes to make a big dog happy? Oh yes.

Of course Kobe countered with a metaphorical statement of his own, "if you're going to pay a pimp a couple Benjamins to hook you up with a dope slice, you're not going to be happy with no stank ho." He didn't really say that, at least I don't think so--again, I don't pay that much attention.

Fortunately for Laker fans they've got coach Phil Jackson at the helm--he successfully navigated the tumultuous Jordan-Pippin waters and is probably the best in the league at juggling player egos. But on the other hand, Shaq and Kobe have both been MVP's, they're both wearing championship rings and they're both looking for bigger highs--they're glory junkies. Neither one will be happy until they're crowned King S**t of F**k Mountain. I think Shaq has the upper hand here, because not only can he ask to be traded, but he can also threaten to make another album. Myself I'm getting a nice little kick out of all this, because, as I've stated before--I hate the Lakers with a passion.

Turning to football, how about those play-off games. What a shock it was when Giants' quarterback Kerry Collins led his team to a thorough pounding of the favored Vikings. He plowed through those Vik defenders like they were a High School team. Even more interesting is Collins' history of John Rocker-like racial remarks. It appeared that New Yorkers had suddenly developed a much more tolerant attitude toward such things. "He's just telling it like it is. C'mon country boy--take us all the way!" Then came the Superbowl--ouch!!! "B'bye redneck, go throw your little interceptions in Atlanta."

Much to the delight of football fans, this year when the dust has settled after the Super Bowl, professional football will grind ahead in the form of the XFL. I'm sure you've seen the commercials--Dick Butkus and Jesse Ventura extolling the virtues of this new league where SmashMouth football will once again carry the day.

Evidently the XFL is intent upon finding new ways to make the gridiron a more violent and barbaric place. Just as an example, there will be no "fair catches" in the XFL, and in the fourth quarter defensive backs will be allowed to carry hand guns.

Actually the hand gun-bit was nixed at the last minute, along with the following proposed rule changes:

1) Naked Sudden Death
2) End Zone land mines
3) No-Helmet Third Quarter
4) Half time Mascot Death Match
5) Detonating ball that explodes once per quarter