Flip Flop and Fry

Well I haven't exactly kept my promise about writing more frequently. As it turns out, having a lot of spare time on your hands in the middle of the summer, doesn't make one prolific and ambitious so much as it makes one lazy as hell. I don't think I've thought-up a single damn joke the whole time. Thanks to my 4-year-old, however, I have an opener. The other day we were in church and the woman at the pulpit was offering her thanks to our Lord <ETH> referring to him often as her Heavenly Father. After a few minutes of repeated Heavenly Fathers, my daughter looks up at me and asks, "what does she keep saying about Harry Potter?" I know it's cutesy <ETH> but it cracked me up.

So it's been a hot freak'n summer. Record temperatures <ETH> today it was like 137 degrees where I live. Which is too many degrees as far as I'm concerned. I left my favorite pair of flip flops out on the back patio this morning and when I went to find them this afternoon they were curled up like a couple of four inch trout. I was looking out my sliding door where I'd left them and thought "where's my damn thongs and who left these grapefruit peels out here?" They don't even fit my daughter now. Pity. I pretty much go barefoot <ETH> but if I have to leave the house <ETH> I do so to that happy "clippity, clop" cadence of those beloved flips. They'll be missed.

True I live in one of the hotter spots in the nation <ETH> but I do get paranoid when it's 120 out. I start to wonder, y'know what if it keeps getting hotter? What's to stop it? I have a buddy who knows a lot about climate stuff <ETH> meteorology and so forth and it's his belief that if it ever got up to say 130-135, that life on this planet would totally suck. I don't do well in the heat. I'm lucky I haven't got any place to go, because I just don't have the heart to turn on the AC in my car. My car is elderly and it reacts to having the AC turned on about the same way I react to being kicked in the balls.

About 3-o clock this afternoon I had to run out to my car (I couldn't find my TV remote and it was the only place I hadn't looked) and I noticed that the crickets were going nuts. It was just miserable <ETH> the sun was piercing my flesh like I was a vampire and the noise the crickets were making was damn near paralyzing <ETH> I was deafened and dazed and lucky to make it back into my house. I stumbled in the door in clutching my ears <ETH> "what the hell?" It must be the sound they make just before they blow up! Poor little bastards, one minute they're all "zippety doo da," and the next they're ready to burst into flames! Jeemeny Christmas!

Anyway so I stay indoors most of the time - watch a lot of TV. There's just something comforting about channel surfing. If you're by yourself, flipping around like a Schitzo
is very relaxing. I've gotten to where I can watch 15 to 20 programs at once. I like to monitor the Discovery channel. It's not uncommon to find a doctor magic-marking a half naked woman <ETH> mapping out the game plan for cosmetic upgrades. It's not worth watching the whole show, but if your remember to check back from time to time <ETH> you're liable to catch an occasional boob. I don't have HBO or Cinemax so that's important.

ESPN is where I'm the most apt to get stuck for any length of time. I can watch sports highlights for upwards of 5 minutes without feeling the need to play through. I'm content with my channel choice until the instant that they begin to show Soccer or Hockey highlights <ETH> then I'm gone. Puck that noise. Similarly, the E Channel will hold me up from time to time. Good old Howard Stern is always worth a flip for us dudes. In fact I've discovered an interesting behavioral phenomenon associated with his program that I call the "Stern Response." It's a scientific fact that if a male TV viewer changes the channel to the Howard Stern show <ETH> he automatically turns the volume way down. It's also something of a phenomenon that a show which revolves almost entirely around naked women, lesbians, porn stars and prostitutes can be so boring.

Thanks for your patience and God Bless.