I Like Bush

When Jesse Ventura won the race for Governor of Minnesota, my first impression was that this had to be some sort of wacky Political Science Fiction--at the very least, a crystal clear sign of the second coming. I made a couple of jokes about it, that in retrospect merely proved how ignorant I was at the time. I've since seen the light about Jesse and whatever it says about our beloved country--the truth is that the only guy I'd vote for for President, was only a few years ago a steroid-crazed spandex-wearing ogre, smacking guys over the head with a folding chair. I think he's the best thing that's happened to politics since Jesus threw the moneychangers out of the temple.

I don't know why it took me so long to see the correlation between politics and professional-wrestling, but it all seems painfully obvious now. The contestants get on TV and make a bunch of nasty remarks about each other, "you're goin' down you Pork Barrel clown. You're goin' DOWN." The fans get all excited and pretend that their vote really counts, the pre-determined winners move on to the big-time to fake like they're really doing something, and we pretend like we're interested. Some of us take it seriously, some of us think it's silly. American politics in a nutshell. I majored in Political Science, so believe me--I have no idea what I'm talking about.

With this preamble aside, "let's get ready to rumble" and take a peek inside this round of presidential "poppycock." At this point it certainly looks like George W. Jr., is going to be heir to the throne. Maybe this is a good thing--who knows? I do find it amusing listening to all these Republican proposals designed to make major reforms in all this economic prosperity the country is presently enjoying. Like I say--who knows? Maybe a Texan with a whole lot of money can at least do something about the frigg'n price of gas. He can snort all the cocaine in Columbia, if he can roll back the price tag on that "Texas Tea."

So far, this "cocaine" business, has been the only real knock against George Jr. Then again, the dope-smoking thing didn't seem to slow Clinton up--and so far Bush has had the good sense not to claim that he didn't "inhale." He's got alot going for him--he's already raised record amounts of campaign cash, he's way ahead in the polls, and his wife doesn't look like his grandma. (Sorry Barbara, but let's face it, you weren't exactly Jackie O.) Plus he's got no competition. If anything Hatch looks like the obvious choice as a running mate. It's all about "balancing the ticket"--and what could be more balanced than a guy who's admitted to snorting cocaine and a guy who wouldn't admit it if he once used Nyquil.

Bush's only serious competition within his own Party will most likely come from Steve Forbes. I happen to like Forbes--he's got plenty of his own money and he'd probably make a pretty good president. But someone needs to take him aside and somehow break it to him that there's no way in hell he's going to win, because America doesn't want a president that looks like a total "nerd." True, Carter was pretty goofy-looking, and LBJ looked like a Basset hound--but neither of them were nerds. Voters these days are predominantly "Baby-boomers," and you're not going to get in the White House unless your perceived as being somewhat "cool." Forbes needs to "cool-up" his image somehow. Hell this drug-experimentation bit looks like the hot ticket, how about: "Steve Forbes: I was smoking crack before anybody even knew what it was."

As wrong as it may be, politics is to some extent a beauty contest--it's definitely why Ross Perot never stood much of a chance. I'll admit he was a feisty little Texas tumbler, and there for a while he seemed like he was making some sense. Then all of the sudden he turned into a whiney little wind-up toy--like somebody dropped him and he broke. Pull his string and all you'd get was, "can I finish, can I finish, can I finish?" The bottom-line was that America wasn't ready for a president you could pick up by the ears and kick in the pants, just for the fun of it. "Hey, cut it out--can I finish? Let me down--can I finish?"

As much momentum as Bush appears to have, he's still going to be bucking the tide of Democratic success. Gore's got an eight-year track record of economic growth going for him. But even though he's a healthy, good-looking cuss, he's got a pretty serious "nerd' factor working against him, as well. Everybody saw him trying to dance to that Fleetwood Mac song? "Congratulations on winning the vice presidency Al, but guess what--now everybody knows you're a dork." Honestly I think Gore's a pretty decent and sincere guy--but he's never going to emerge from behind the big ugly Clinton shadow. Clinton--what a piece of work. How did we ever end up with a President you wouldn't trust to baby-sit your kids. "Thanks anyway, Mr. President, but we decided to get a video." It'll be nice to see him head down the road. But our congratulations go out to you, Bubba--you made it all the way through without getting impeached. I hope he's grateful for the leniency, because he's going to be out of a job pretty soon, and impeachment does not look good on a resume.

The only other Democrat that's got a shot (so to speak) is Bill Bradley. He was a great basketball player in his day, but he isn't exactly overburdened with personality. Plus I think the American voter is going to be looking to elect someone that isn't so much known for his scoring.

It will certainly be interesting to see how well Elizabeth Dole makes out. We may not be too many years away from a woman president, but I doubt Liz will be the first to overcome the odds. Personally I wouldn't vote for her, just because Bob would make such a nasty-looking First Lady. It might be fun to have him in charge of decorating the White House, though--"Bob Dole doesn't give a rats ass about Feng Shui, I want a Lazy Boy right here."

The brightest spot for this years presidential hopefuls is that as bad as Clinton has besmirched the office, filling his shoes isn't going to be much tougher than replacing "Ginger" in the Spice Girls. If you're half-way decent looking and you can carry a tune, you're hired.

I wish they would hire me to write some campaign slogans. "Vote Gore: I'll take the "rat" out of Democrat." "Vote for George Jr.--just because my name is Bush doesn't mean that's all I think about." I've got a million of them--but they don't get much better.