Is Tinky Winky Kinky?

First off, I've got a difficult confession to make. I'm afraid I've been a selfish, negligent parent. Now that I've got two babies, I'm kind of home bound on some days and I'll have admit in an attempt to divert my oldest daughter's attention long enough to wolf down a bowl of cereal, I've been foolishly encouraging her to watch the Teletubbies. Even before Barney's over, I'd start telling her, "It's almost Teletubbie time, it's almost Teletubbie time . . ." God forgive me. All over a lousy bowl of Cheerios. Bless you Jerry Falwell, bless you man, for having the guts to blow the whistle on this menace and prevent these diabolical Dipsy Doodles from destroying our way of life.

Just when you thought that the Moral Majority was flat on the canvas, Falwell has in one masterstroke, restored our faith in ultra-conservatism by exposing Tinky Winky for what he really is, one of those Godless homosexuals. I stand in awe of this inspired man. To able to discern that a make-believe character, who's clearly not human, is not only male but a homosexual male, well . . . obviously the man's an instrument of God.

Myself, I've always suspected La La might be a little "light in the loafers," but I was just going by his name--Falwell has done his homework. I had no idea that a triangle means your gay. Wow. How blind I've been. I remember back in grade school that kid who played the triangle in the band--he had me totally fooled. I just thought he was musically challenged.

I don't know why any of this should surprise me. Just a few weeks back I overheard my 4 year old niece discussing this very matter with her little brother, "I like Tinky Winky and everything," she said, "but you've gotta wonder which way he's swing'n." I should have figured it out myself--he's purple, of course he's a fruit. "The Color Purple" my God, Barney's purple, that perverted prehistoric pedafile, him and his little buddy BJ, Lord help us all.

Since Reverend Falwell's shocking announcement, I decided to do a little investigating of my own, and I'm sad to report that the whole nasty business runs alot deeper than Tinky Winky. I'm afraid the real trouble-maker is that evil little bugger Po. That's right, comrade, the Red one. That little communist freak is the real threat to democracy and the American way. You thought the cold war was over--well then I guess you haven't been watching PBS. Watch out when Po starts broadcasting though his little abdominal transmitter, because he's sending coded messages to commies everywhere. You see, they just want us to believe the Soviet Union is in total disarray, that the nuclear threat is over. Guess what my friend, that's a bunch of Bullshivik. They're still out there, carbing up on potatoes, biding their time, until Po gives them the "green light" then, BAM, World War III baby. Next thing you know we're all wearing stupid hats, drinking vodka, and standing in a line for bread and cheese.

It's all starting to add up now, a bunch of freaks living by themselves in a commune out in the middle of nowhere--I seem to remember another colorful gang that fit this description. A fun-loving little bunch called the Manson family. That little grass dome they live in is nothing but another Helter Skelter Shelter. Hello, it's not like you're dealing with chimps here, thank heavens the good Reverend had the guts to call our attention to these degenerates before we have another blood bath on our hands. We took care of you and your evil brainwashed bimbos once and we can do it again. Sorry Charlie.

But I'm afraid I've saved the worse for last. The one we must truly fear is Dipsey. Doesn't sound too scary does it--Dipsey? WRONG. It's no accident that Dipsey looks like an alien--because guess what--he is an alien. His little belly broadcasts are transmitted to extra-terrestrial terrorists who are just waiting for Y2K to weaken our defenses so they can beam on down and take over. And the man behind it all? You guessed it-- "my favorite Martian" Bill Gates. Look it up on the net, it's a fact. Guess what every Bill Gates computer is programmed to do come 1/1/2000? Go haywire. It's true. Macintosh computers are all programmed to handle Y2K just like it was another day, but Billy's PC's? Negative. His little computers, the ones that everybody owns, the ones that are running the whole show--they're programmed to bring about a big ol' butt-load of Y2Chaos. I guess you thought that your little "nerd" disguise was going to fool us, didn't you Billy boy? Not this reporter--it may be too late to stop you and your downloaded Martian buddies from invading, but the Boneman will be ready. I've stocked up with plenty of canned goods and enough firepower to send you and your little green friends back to Mars with another couple of holes in Uranus--so bring it on. Show up around my place and it'll be Teletubbie bye bye for you, "Outer-Space boy."