Judas Priest

I think it's safe to say that this isn't the proudest moment in history for the Catholic church. It's been a rough couple of months for the RC's. "Forgive me Father, but is that your hand on my bum." If you're thinking this is kind of a touchy subject to drag through the Bone Machine, you're probably right. But on the other hand, folks around these parts have long been the target of every half-assed jokester in the book, thanks to Polygamy. Not that there's anything right with it--but I seriously doubt any of my ancestors were Polygamists. One wife is plenty of wife-ness for me, thanks. It's hard to believe the practice has endured. Anyhow, I say screw it--let's have ourselves a little fun. It's time for another religion to be the butt of the jokes . . . get it? See--we're already having fun?

Priests getting their frocks in a fluster over altar boys is almost too creepy to imagine, but it's hardly a news flash--remember the movie Sleepers and Primal Fear? Such stories make the news once upon a while, but the Caths have always managed to quickly pull down the veil and bury it deep in their pedi-file. But this time it looks pretty bad. This is about the Catholic equivalent of OJ, strapped with explosives driving a van into Israel. Big News. Too hot to sit on. The Catholic Church is a huge money making organization and all these bad confessions translate to a swift kick in the coffers. When tossing a few crumpled bills on the "collection plate" starts to look like a donation to the "Naughty Priest's Legal Fund," it's time for the Church to fake some outrage. It's time to pretend to do something about it.

Yes, the time had come to bring down the smite. The old days of "three strikes and you're out" wasn't gonna cut it this time around. This time it would be necessary to televise some meetings--broadcast a sober panel of dignitaries frowning down upon it all with the perfect amount of solemn consternation. (They just can't believe it--my good Lord) And "oh" how the penalties have been meted out with a harsh hand. Possible de-frockings, transfers to other areas with limited duties. Where's the mercy?

What kind of punishment for child molestation is a transfer with limited duties? Is that like if a Scoutmaster gets caught with his khakis at half mast, he gets re-assigned to a different troop, where he can no longer sleep in the same tent with the boys, but he can still roll up their sleeping bags? I guess I don't understand why these Priests should be above the law? These little Clergy-urges of theirs are what us lay-people commonly think of as a felony.

In my opinion, these men don't need to be defrocked by the Church, they need to be defrocked in the American Penal system. Prison is a swell place for a Priest with a little "child raping" problem to get an inspirational lesson in biblical justice. Once your fellow inmates start referring to you as Father Bitch, that "eye for an eye," business really starts to sink in. This is the one area of criminal behavior where prison might actually work as rehabilitation. They get out of prison, they've pretty much got the point--sodomizing those who do not wish to be sodomized, is bad.

We all have a certain amount of empathy for a man of the cloth. They're only human. It's certainly not difficult to understand why a man sworn to a vow of celibacy might run into a hormonal crisis here and there--but whatever happened to a hooker, a hotel room and a half-dozen hail Marys. You're forgiven, y'knucklehead. The flesh is weak, bla bla bla, now get to work on that sermon and leave the youngsters alone, already.

And what's God to think about all these "Hornier than Thou" PR People? He probably agonized over whether or not it was necessary to include "Thou Shalt not Kill" in the ten commandments. "That one seems pretty obvious," he must have thought, "perhaps Nine Commandments is plenty. Then again those Philistines are a savage lot--maybe I better make it Ten." What's he thinking now? "Let me spell it out for ya--commandment number eleven--okay, "Thou shalt not have sex with frightened, helpless children, just to get thine jollies--art thou freak'n crazy?"