Osama Bin Laden The True Hollywood Story

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale. That's right folks--a a frightening fable featuring fame, fortune, fate and more than a few fuzzy faces. Buckle up! as A.J. Boneza takes you on a journey into the black heart of a monster--Osama Bin Laden . . . The True Hollywood Story.

It was June 6th, 1960, when a newborn child cried out amid the Godless clatter of a tattered tent into the darkness of a stormy desert night. The wind howled and strange shadows played on the shuddering canvas as the third world received a new arrival--a child who would one day cast our world into turmoil and terror.

Little is known about the circumstances surrounding the event--however, legend holds that the father of the child was a darkly handsome drifter who friends described as unemployed. His sudden disappearance on that fateful night, is as mysterious as the identity of the child's mother, who reportedly died during childbirth. The only recorded information about Osama's Mama comes from unofficial account by Fhata Sahous, a midwife present at the birth, who described the Bin Laden's mother as a friendly creature who loved table-scraps and answered to the name Bingho.

Due to a rather cryptic birthmark behind the infants right ear, baby Bin Laden was a "tough sell" for even the most clever desert adoption agency. As a result the little bastard remained orphaned until his dark hair grew in thick and he was at last adopted at the age of 3.

His earlier childhood went by in a whirlwind of failed foster homes, all of which were marred by bizarre misfortune. Before the age of four, six of his earliest foster parents met with an untimely demise. Deaths that were awkwardly explained away as either suicide, or gardening accidents. These and other tragic events earned him the nickname "Bad Benny." It didn't help that the boy Bin Laden took an obsessive interest in strange pets. It is whispered that his earlier parents "accidents" occurred within hours of them banishing his precious Jackals from the household. And so his childhood passed--best remembered for his passion for dangerous and unpredictable dogs, an occasional goat, and burning holes in locust with a magnifying glass.

A number of unfortunate medical conditions, including a spastic colon, and violent flatulence made his years as a schoolboy a painful time. And as a result he withdrew into a fantasy life that included an imaginary friend he called "General Howdy." Early classmates remember the young Bin Laden as a smelly loner whose breath you could sometimes see at room temperature.

Bad Benny's childhood woes came to an end when he was legally adopted by a Saudi construction billionaire, who humored the boys unnatural interests and was able to pay for the series of operations necessary to correct Benny's digestive problems. To this day Bin Laden refers to his adoptive father not as Daddy--but as his "Colon Pal." Hooray--at last I figured out a way to use the Colon Pal joke--that didn't involve gay men.

Given his new lease on life, the teenage Benny turned his solitary ways around and almost overnight became something of an international playboy. By the age 18, Bin Laden set his sights on Hollywood and arrived with enough cash and cocaine to make him the toast of Tinsel town. Bad Benny literally ran amuck in the decadence now at his fingertips. A frequent guest at the Playboy Mansion he would often quip, "Hef, my friend, you have such beautiful women--but it's like your Christmas--where is the surprise if the gift is already unwrapped?" This line along with his generosity with his other smaller white lines made him a favorite on the underground party circuit and before long Benny was neck deep in every illicit pleasure the West had to offer.

Bin Laden acquaintance Chris Farley once said of Osama "that Benny man, he's way out of control--he's going to end up like Belushi." Seemingly helpless in a downward spiral of indiscriminate sex and drugs--Benny plummeted headlong into oblivion. "I've never seen anyone with so many inner demons," says Hollywood call-girl Fanny Price. "Deep down I think Benny was just an unbelievable asshole, still it was easy to put up with it because he handed out so much cash, and I believe his penis was double-jointed."

In a strange twist of fate, Benny's skid was brought to a merciful end when a friend was able to arrange an audition on the hit series "Touched By An Angel." After landing the part as "Amahl the Angel of Allah," Benny once again turned his life around and poured his passion into acting. Gone was the Kamikaze party-boy and in his place was Sam Ladendale, rising star on the horizon.

Fully rehabilitated, Sam Ladendale moved to Utah where the series is filmed and was truly becoming as gentle and kind as the character he portrayed. As fortune would have it, someone well up the chain of command in Hollywood--way up--didn't care at all for this unexpected development and word came down from the top that he was to be cast out-- cut out of the cast, I should say.

This terrible injustice proved to be the straw that broke the camel-jockey's back. Benny fell hard. Returning back to Hollywood he became immersed in his old self-destructive lifestyle. It is reported that when his father finally came to the states to rescue his prodigal son, Benny was employed by a fly-by-night porno outfit called Persian Perversion, working as a fluffer on the production of Turban Legend III.

Upon his return to the middle east, Benny successfully completed a stint in rehab and eventually bought his way into the favor of a rebel terrorist named Al Qaeda. Al never much cared for the pampered Bin Laden, and joked to his friends about what a wuss he was, but Al was no dummy--he had to admire Benny's warrior-like ability to write a check. Al and the gang eventually accepted Benny into the fold and Bin Laden quickly payed his way to the top. It's not a pretty tale, but at least now . . . well now you know the rest of the story.