Party Time!

Recently someone asked me which political party I belonged to, and I told them whichever one has the best buffet and an open bar. For someone who graduated from college with a major in Political Science, I'm the least political person I know. I haven't got time for events that transpire outside of my home. I have a wife and two children who require constant officiating and most of the time I'm the guy sporting the whistle and the black and white stripes. My home has three televisions that are on and turned up loud all the live-long-day, so I do hear a thing or two about the news of the world. In truth some issues might find me on the conservative side of the line, while others might find me taking a more liberal stance, but either way I've only got one vote and I don't consider myself qualified to cast it. I'm a poor excuse for an American really, an adult one to be certain. In fact any opinion you're going to get out of me is going to involve sports, movies or music - beyond those three areas I don't pay enough attention to be of much use to either political party.

I suppose, politically, I'm what you might call a "Consiberal Republicrat." Sometimes I agree with O' Reilly and other times I agree with Al Franken. Usually Franken, because he's funnier. Regardless which way I might lean, I've never been one to get all fired-up about opinions. Unless something directly effects myself, my family or friends, I haven't got much use for opinions. Which isn't to say I don't care about the important issues of the world, and even matters closer to home, it's really more a matter of not giving a crap. At the very least, possessing strong opinions is going to lead to hard-feelings, and quite possibly hospitalization and/or imprisonment. Who needs 'em?

I suppose I lost most of my political enthusiasm when I learned about the "Electoral College" "Congratulations Mr. Gore you got the most votes, therefore the other guy gets to be President, and you get to grow a beard, stop worrying about your weight and maybe even develop a drinking problem - way to go dude!" I learned all about this business in great detail in College and can honestly say that I've never once voted for anything other than Homecoming Queen in my life. I live in Utah and therefore, like all of my fellow Utahns, have no say in the Presidential Elections. Utah's Electoral votes will always go to the Republican candidate and it wouldn't matter if 500,000 of us wrote-in Greg Ostertag, Bush has got Utah in his back pocket. Period. So what do I care? God bless ya' G-dub. You go get 'em - my kids are young and female.

This time around the nation will be asked to choose between Bush and Kerry and I look at these two candidates (both of whom seem to be earnest and likable men) and I realize that if my vote really counted, my decision would be based entirely upon which one of these two liars is least likely to screw-up the world in my lifetime. We know that Bush is a liar, but his intentions were well-founded - maybe we needed a good lying-to? By God we got in there and kicked some evil-dictator ass! You gotta give 'em their due - our boys gotter done. (In fact, the only take-over that I'd consider more impressive was the swift and decisive way California was captured by Arnold Schwartzenegger.) But of course the question on everyone's mind now that Saddam is in the poky, is what are we supposed to do now? I don't think Cheney and Powell and the gang really thought it'd be so easy to win this war. Which obviously didn't give them much time to figure out what to do now that we're sort of in control of this volatile, screwed-up third-world-nation whose confused and pissed-off populace wouldn't know Democracy from an SUV made by Lincoln Mercury. (A nation, however bereft of weapons of mass destruction, is surrounded by countries who have plenty!) Great - now we've got another Viet Nam in the making, only with fewer mosquitoes and better media coverage. I haven't checked the figures, but there's probably been nearly as many Americans killed since the war was over than while it was going on.

Whatever you do don't mistake that last little rant as a joke or even an opinion, it was more of a casual observation. Kerry is the best the Democrats could come up with this go-round, and again, I don't know a damn thing about the guy other than he looks like something you could create if you took a big image of Ted Kennedy's head and started fooling around in Photoshop. The fact that he looks like a Kennedy suggests that he's more of a cheater than a liar. So there's your choice America - which do you prefer? Cheating or Lying? (Why am I calling the Kennedy's cheaters?) Gosh I don't know? Either because JFK cheated on his wife countless times, and even "John F'ed" Marilyn Monroe in the Whitehouse? Or perhaps because he cheated his way into the Presidency by persuading his buddy Frank Sinatra to use his mob influence to win the early primaries? Then in a final act of pain-pill-induced insanity appointed his little brother Bobby to the position of Attorney General, turned around and sent him on a suicide mission to eradicate organized crime? And if you believe Oliver Stone's version that's part of what got JKF assassinated. Myself I'm more inclined to side with Don DeLillo's account. If you find this period of American history as fascinating as myself, get yourself a copy of DeLillo's novel "Libra," it's a little more plausible account of Lee Harvey Oswald's motives. Oops - that sounded suspiciously like an opinion - my bad.

Just because Kerry bears a cranial resemblance to the Kennedys doesn't necessarily mean he's a cheater. I'm just saying the man has a big, spooky, elongated noggin that's a cross between Herman Munster, and Lurch from the Addams Family. Kerry has yet to choose a running mate, and I'm thinking why not Al Franken? The guy's the most beloved democrat in the Country? Seriously, that would make for a fun, well-balanced ticket - Al and John, they could call it "Frankenstein." Couldn't you just picture Kerry lumbering about with his swaying arms outstretched "Aaaa War Bad!" I mean that pretty much sums up the Democratic platform, plus it would make the debates alot more fair for Bush. "No - war good . . . we win war!"

"Choose or Lose" MTV tells me, and then they air a commercial for "Girls Gone Wild" which I'd really prefer my 5 and 6 year old daughters not see. Lord knows I'm all for boobs and so forth, but this "Girls Gone Wild" business is just ruining the whole boob-thing. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Where's the sport, the thrill of the hunt? The day that boobs lose their wonder, their luster, their mystique - is the day music dies, Mr. American Pie. Don't go there, keep boobs sacred. If you lose the boob magic you'll slag through the rest of your days like a lifeless drone. Trust me on this one. I know my boobs.

How I got from Bush to Boobs in one short paragraph is all a part of my genius, but the point I set out to make is that the channel that my two girls watch religiously is only two clicks away from the channel that champions these "Girls Gone Wild" videos. And again, with all 3 televisions going I stand a slim chance of keeping my girls from associating naked, drunken promiscuity with the Power Puff Girls and Scooby Doo. They don't know Scooby Doo from Scooby Don't - and what are you supposed to say? "Aaa sluts bad - boobs bad!" I couldn't make a convincing case. I can only hope that by the time my girls begin to take an interest in boys that Jesus has returned and made the world a safer place for my daughters to grow up in. Provided I've gotten around to that whole repentance business in time to enjoy the Regime change.