Prescription For Madness

The other day it was all over the news about some research in San Diego indicating a link between Vitamin C and hardening of the arteries. Just as I suspected--Vitamin C, another insidious killer. I have nothing but heartfelt gratitude for our ever-vigilant medical community who have once again stepped-in to save us from this sour-tasting menace. Trust me on this one dear readers, they have a scientific term for this kind of report--it's called happy horsecrap. I'd be willing to bet my favorite artery that this research would hold about as much water as a little plastic strawberry basket.

I hate to go on a Dennis Miller and so forth, but this particular topic hits too close to home. Health insurance does not come cheap to a self-employed family-man, and so every month I grab my ankles, get out my check book and let IHC tickle my prostate. Thus, I feel more than qualified to tell you the story of "Vitamin C vs. The Powers That B."

Once upon a time, a brilliant doctor--a brilliant "Nobel Prize" winning doctor, named Linus Pauling began heralding the virtues of Vitamin C as a remedy for the common cold--which did not go over very well with the "Big Three." When I say the "Big Three" I'm, of course, talking about the most evil conglomeration of companies that ever hopped in the sack together--the drug companies, the insurance companies and the AMA--a three-headed monster that makes the mafia look like "Toys For Tots." They immediately undertook a campaign to clinically discredit the "crackpot" Nobel Laureate. Happily time has vindicated the good doctor and Vitamin C has repeatedly demonstrated its benefits, not only a good deterrent and remedy for cold and flu symptoms, but as an important anti-oxidant that prevents cancer and forestalls the aging process, etc. etc.

So why would doctors be opposed to people staying healthy? Unfortunately, your family doctor doesn't have much more to do with the AMA, than I had to do with Catherine Zeta-Jones' pregnancy. To be sure, most doctors want nothing more than to see their patients remain in the pink. The AMA, on the other hand, is a business. A great big, God almighty business, that thrives on sickness. And along with their billionaire bedfellows--they bank on the likelihood that you're eventually going to come down with something that they can turn into a fancy piece of quid. Unfortunately, the "Big Three" has never figured out a way to make much of a buck off of Vitamin C, and the last thing they can afford is a bunch of healthy people running around. So sue me if you must, you rotten bastards, but I've gotta call bullshit on your Vitamin C bashing. Who do you think you're dealing with--a bunch of gravy-stained chumps? What's next--carrots cause blindness?

The sad truth is that this "Three Headed Monster" has turned American Health Care into a joke. They've driven prices through the rafters and turned medicine into a big, scary, impersonal nightmare--with all the gentle bedside manner of an insane war criminal. And what can we do about it? We can turn our heads and cough. They've got us where they want us. If you're lucky enough to have a generous Health Plan through your employer, good for you--but for the rest of us, it's one big monthly cashectomy through the wazoo. "Forceps . . . Clear."

Which brings me back to insurance. I could be driving a Lexus for the price of my monthly premiums, yet my deductible is so high that I'd have to think twice before going to the hospital if I were having a heart attack. I'd just stay in bed and hope I could treat it myself with some aromatherapy and a little Pepto-Bizmol. I'd call the hospital and tell them, "I think I'm having a heart attack," and they'd say, "okay remain calm an ambulance is on the way." And I'd be all, "whoa, hold on there nurse Ratchet, I just wanted to get an estimate, how much do one of those heart attacks run a guy--these days? Y'know, just a ballpark?" Those of you with the sweet health plans, think nothing of calling the doctor every time you get a paper cut, but if I were to cut my finger "off" my first call would be to my wife, "honey what'd you do with the Neosporin?" I've got plenty of other fingers. On the other hand, I suppose I should be grateful for anything that causes me to be reluctant about going to the hospital. As far as I'm concerned, going to the hospital is about as good for your health as trying to lose weight by smoking crack.

Evidently, the "Big Three" have worked out a swinging deal with just about every pestle-wielding, clipboard-toting smock on earth, because if you've watched any television lately, you've probably noticed that all of a sudden there's a miracle cure for just about everything. Acne, Asthma, Allergies, Active bladders all the way to Zovirax. Yessir--top to bottom, from your receding hairline to your unsightly toenails, you're covered. I'm not making the "toenails" thing up either. I haven't seen it for a while but it was like, "are you afraid of your own feet? If you shower with your socks on, call your doctor about Sporanax." Caution: Sporanax should not be taken by pregnant women--however clinical studies indicate a very low occurrence of pregnancy among women who need this product.

I guess this pharmaceutical free-for-all started with Rogaine, but the point didn't really hit home for me until I was watching the Jazz game with my grandfolks and the next thing you know everybody's talking about Genital Herpes! "Holy Crap, where's the remote?" Valtrex--it's all about "suppression," they tell us. Evidently the "Big Three" must've cut the FDA a generous slab of the Panacea Pie, because they're no longer suppressing any of these drugs. The flood gates have been opened like the problem bladder mentioned above.

Viagra was a biggie, it certainly aroused a lot of public interest, and they have a new one out now that has taken the harsh term impotence and softened it down to Erectile Dysfunction. E.D. they call it. That's very correct of them and so forth, but we all know that they're really talking about "L.D." You're on your own with that one--we do have our standards of decency, we can't just come right out and say limp dick. We'd lose advertisers. On the other hand, if you do suffer from E.D., it certainly decreases your chances at getting V.D. What ever happened to V.D.--anyway? I'm glad I didn't buy any stock in that one.

The one that's getting the most airplay right now is Relenza--the long-awaited cure for the common cold. You've seen the ad where the fat guy from Seinfeld barges in your house as the flu and makes a nuisance of himself. Ah, but fear not, just call your doctor and he can hook you up with your pharmacist who'll hook you up with Relenza, you'll be on the mend in no time. I love it at the end where they quickly run the disclaimer about the side effects--which may include: coughing, sore throat, runny nose, body aches and fever.

And even after thousands of disappointed customers, Rogaine is still a hot commodity. The only side effect disclaimer that Rogaine should have to run is caution: this product does not work at all, you're going bald, but if you want to blow a lot of money on doomed hope, call your doctor. At least their commercials are funny.

Then came the newest baldness remedy--Propecia. You may remember this one. The one that only works on "certain" types of hair loss--probably not the "certain" kind where your hair falls out and you go bald. And then they inform us that pregnant women should not even touch a Propecia tablet or even say the word Propecia, due to a specific kind of birth defect. You have to imagine that if they know all these specifics about birth defects, they probably found out about it the hard way. That's almost as scary as the possible side effects that may include--insomnia, rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, and the uncontrollable urge to stand by the freeway and wave your genitals at passing motorists. It's all about expression.

You'll be glad to know, if you were offended by the language I expressed myself with above, that I'm doing something about it. I'm taking a new drug that's supposed to cure me instantly--it's called Profanitol. Wish me luck and take your vitamins.