Quantity is Job One

On Columbus Day night I was dining in a busy St. George restaurant when a good-sized party of Polygamists arrived and were seated at a table next to ours. As expected, I was the model of politeness, only sneaking a peak at them every now and then and pretty much going about my meal as though I didn't notice anything in the least bit unusual. If I glanced in their direction I was sure to be wearing my pleasant little "how's it going" smile and avoiding anything other than fleeting eye-contact. Later, as I read the message in my fortune cookie it occurred to me that it was time for someone to break this strange code of silence. What's everybody so afraid of?

Granted, I know very little about our multi-matrimonial neighbors, but I don't know why I've got to go around pretending like I don't notice them. I could've just as well been non-chalauntly munching on my eggroll next to a tableful of Martians. It's like the "Coneheads." Believe me I have nothing against these folks--what they do is their business, and as long as no one is being mistreated--hey, different strokes, live and let live, whatever . . . I just don't understand why we have to be so up-tight about it. Certainly they can't be terribly concerned about blending-in if they come to town wearing a gingham dress over Levi's and Nike's. You're probably thinking that I'm just going to exploit this easy topic for a few cheap jokes, but the truth is I'd really like to understand this multi-level marriage scheme--and if I may say, I think that's awfully big o' me.

I've had a few dealings with them in my day, business and otherwise and found them to be decent, honorable people--certainly not unapproachable. So what's the big damn deal? Hell, I've had a little experience with "plural marriage" myself--I'm on my second wife. So why can't I just go up to one of them and ask, "so what's it like having seven wives, man? Because, as far as I'm concerned, one is more than plenty, y'know? And what's up with the "Little House on the Prairie" dress code? That went out in the 70's . . . the 1870's."

Now and again I've heard rumors about different kinds of unsavory practices, and the occasional complaint about the way the Polygamists take advantage of the welfare system. Plus, a few years back a local author wrote a novel wherein he alleged some fairly sinister goings-on within their community. The story was fictitious, however, and quite honestly I've never seen one of these people--man, woman, or child, that didn't appear perfectly at ease with who they were or what they're about--hell, maybe it's the route to go.

So why all the hushed awkwardness. We're the same way with Black people. Maybe it's because of St. George's nickname, but for whatever reason, there doesn't seem to be an awful lot of blacks around these parts. Even though I lived for years in parts of California, where I was a minority--I find myself confounded when I encounter the rare southern Utah black. I catch myself thinking, "if I look at them, they're going to think I'm staring at them and be offended, and if I don't look at them, they'll think I'm some kind of racist, or whatever." I usually end up not looking at them, but I wave. I'm an idiot, really--but at least this gets me through it and I can get on with my day. I'm sure we all want to be cool to our African American brothers and sisters--we just don't get enough practice.

But we do get plenty of practice with the Polygamists. Yet we look the other way, and crack our little jokes--perhaps it's because they're living breathing reminders of a part of our heritage that we're not so comfortable with. It's pretty much common knowledge that most of our forefathers had fourmothers and the downside of this is that any time Jay Leno or any other half-assed comic has anything to say about Utah, it usually has something to do with Polygamy or Donny and Marie. Then again, I'd rather be associated with the Osmonds and the Polygamists, than Orrin Hatch.

I guess my biggest puzzlement is how these Polygamist guys go about recruiting all these bonus wives? I suppose alot of them must come up through the "farm system," if you'll pardon the expression--but they must pick up the occasional recruit. Maybe I just haven't been looking closely enough at the help wanted ads.

Quiet, God-fearing man seeks open-minded gal who wishes to share the burden of putting up with a husband with other open-minded gals. Must be a team-player, willing to relocate, no experience necessary, uniform provided.