Saddam and Gomorrah

HE'S BACK!!! Yes sir that madcap Daddy-O from Baghdad is at it again. You know him, you hate him, Monica wouldn't fellate him--Saddam Hussein. In the last issue I referred to Bill Clinton as the EVEREADY President for his resiliency under fire--but when it comes to Battling Battery Bunnies--Saddam is King.

We shot rockets at this guy that knew whether he needed to fill his ice cube trays, and he's still over there marching around banging the drum. Obviously you could argue that Clinton has merely inherited a job that George Bush should have finished--but I don't think we can wait around for this guy to die of natural causes.

Let's all hope that Bill's run of bad luck is over because it looks like he's going to have to make a tough call pretty soon. Hussein's a nasty customer, and God only knows what kind of hellish concoctions that this "arse" has got up his arsenal. It certainly appears that his fondest desire would be to see us all die a grisly death, clutching our throats, with foam coming out of our ears.

It's getting a little spooky with all this Biblical symbolism and Millennial judgement day portent--I don't know if Saddam's the antiChrist but the silly bastard would probably strap a mad cow to a SCUD missile and fire it at India just for laughs. I don't know about you but Armeggedon tired of this character. (Forgive me).

As a rule I'm pretty much opposed to, say, murder and so forth--but somebody needs to blow on this guy's soup--huh? I don't mean to come off as some "Infidel Imperialist Pig-dog," but you don't see us over here protecting our weapons depots with Grandma and the kids--trying to get the "End of the World" started.

It's difficult to keep up with all this World War III stuff in the midst of this Lewinsky media frenzy--but I can't believe how badly Washington has bungled this "rumors of war" thing. First off they hold this ill-conceived mock-democratic "Town Meeting", and broadcast the silly heckled disaster all over the globe. And now Clinton's people are actually conducting polls to see which would be more favorable, (bombing or not bombing), for his approval rating.

I don't claim to be any kind of expert on military strategy--but whatever happened to the "Element of Surprise?" I'm guessing that CNN is included with Hussein's basic cable package--and if I were him, I'd be for hauling my nutty-ass the hell out of Baghdad. The guy's probably in a deeper hole than the Denver Nuggets.

What I'd really like to know is which political genius thought it would be a good idea to go out and try to sell War to a bunch of college kids in Ohio? Testing one two, Kent State, test check, is this on? Hello? I will admit that I did derive a certain amount of fiendish pleasure watching Madeline Albright's pathetic attempts to maintain order amid such laughable chaos.

Here's a woman with all the sparkle and wit of a box of dirt, no better equipped to handle a situation like this than Richard Simmons would be a lengthy prison sentence. A woman whom, I swear (my wife witnessed this too) referred to Saddam Hussein as a "congenital" liar in front of a national audience. Leaving us to ponder whether or not Hussein's whole "genocidal madman" problem is just a birth defect.

Congenital--goodness Maddy how did you ever rise to such a lofty position? (I realize this sounds a bit sexist. I'm not sexist, there are plenty of stupid men out there running the world . . . into the ground. All I'm really trying to say is that we're doomed).

So what's the answer--bombs? I don't feel comfortable placing the fate of the planet in the hands of the U.N. Inspection Team. Other options I've heard suggested on Talk Radio would be to assist one of Iraq's unfriendly neighbors (namely Iran) to do our dirty work for us. Now there's some top level thinking--those Iranians are a stable, trustworthy outfit. The leading force in terrorist activities worldwide--yea let's load them up with a bunch of stuff that goes bang. That'll solve everything.

The fact of the matter is that Iran and Iraq have already met and agreed to set aside their differences long enough to focus their hatred upon the Mother of all Infidels--"U.S". So this is obviously not the answer. And as for bombing, I'm afraid a good bombing right now would have about the same stabilizing effect as kicking the top off an ant hill.

Most recently Clinton has offered to lift economic sanctions on Saddam if he cooperates with the inspections--which will most likely serve to forestall any confrontation long enough for me to get this article published before all my jokes are rendered moot. Thanks Bill. At least they'll stop pitching war at us for a few weeks--we don't like war. We've seen all the Vietnam movies--they're in the video stores.

We've also seen the Steven Seagal movies where he zips in, chills the bad guy, maybe kills a few not-so-bad guys (in self defense) and still manages to rescue the beautiful young woman with the fake boobs. Sell us that. We're buying.