Shock and Awe

I don't make a habit of apologizing for the things I write (though I could probably cut back on the swear words a tad). But in light of recent circumstances, I'm going to open this one up with the following testimony: "I, the Boneman, am a more-or-less decent, God (and wife) fearing man, blessed with two young daughters who work me like a puppet and melt my heart like butter." For this reason I've taken a very "hits home" interest in the Elizabeth Smart case. I followed it like a hawk and when it was first reported that she'd been found alive and well, I was moved to tears. Like most of you, I figured she was a goner and the fact that she's been restored to her family is nothing short of miraculous.

Still, as elated as I was by the news, I couldn't ignore the fact that it was slightly amusing that she was right under our nose the whole time. Give me a break--parading around town like a Bedouin, going to wild parties in a toga? The very hour that this news was breaking (along with the "now famous" photos of her and her captors at the kegger) I was finishing up my humor page for the Independent Shopper--and more than anything to express my disbelief, I typed up the following "Quote of the Week:" "How wild is this Elizabeth Smart thing--what's the deal now, she was lost under a pile of colored, plastic balls at Chuck E. Cheese?"

I'll admit it was something of a "target of opportunity," and certainly not the funniest thing I've ever written, but mean-spirited? No. At the time (and to this day) I think it's a fair joke. Sadly even the most precision, satellite guided bombs can be perceived with Shock and Awe. Awe Shucks--I've done it again--I've gone and riled-up the pinch-faces.

It's possible that the Bone-Lady is up to her old tricks, but I couldn't say for sure, because this time the M.O. is different. Instead of phone calls, this time the anti-Boneman propaganda has taken the form of anonymous letters. They come in strange-looking, puffy envelopes with no return address--which a wise man wouldn't open for fear of Anthrax. Inside is windy 2-pager (mostly targeting our advertisers) the gist of which suggesting that anyone who would support such pernicious filth ought to be condemned. Goodness. I couldn't bring myself to read the whole thing, but the overriding message was that this Boneman person is nothing but a low-life, cheap-shot-artist in the midst of God knows what sort of sinister agenda.

I tell ya, it hurts my feelings. I don't exactly know how my life has come to this, this whole Boneman business? I'm a college graduate--I could have a normal occupation--but this is what I do for a job now. These little jokes I make, however shameful and wrong, are how I feed my children. So, whoever you are out there--if you don't care for the things I have to say--don't pick up the papers. Seriously, I need the money.

Furthermore, I'm sure we're pretty much in agreement over this whole Elizabeth Smart thing. Yes this Mitchell freak is a bad, silly, terrible man, who did a bad, silly, terrible thing. But I think you should take comfort in the knowledge that he's going to pay for his sins in a most harsh and poetic way. Self-proclaimed prophets of God who kidnap and molest children are not well received in the American Penal System. He's going to spend the rest of his life in a constant state of fear, being frequently raped by people he's not particularly attracted to. And then he's gonna go to hell--where they probably don't serve beer to perverted, religious nutjobs.

In any case, all you Bone-Ladies--consider yourself warned. I'm going to write about this. So save us both the heartache and put the paper down. There's no need to soil yourself over me--burn the paper, whatever you've got to do--but stop messing with my livelihood.

With apologies to the 99 percent of you who are intelligent and possess a sense of humor, I'll now get on with my work. It's a fact of life, as offensive as it may also be, that there are people who make their living by defending the Brain David Mitchell's of this world. It's a dirty job, but someone's going to have to do it. And they're going to find themselves saying things like: "You know what, Emmanuel--it'd probably be a good idea if you'd stop referring to Elizabeth as your Ôwife.' That's hurting your cause. Sure you love her and all, but she's fifteen! Y'gotta help me out here--this "wife thing" is not the message we want to be sending out. Remember we're in Utah and folks around here are a little touchy about things like extra-wives--who are fifteen. I know you've renounced all worldly possessions, but trust me, if you had a TV, you'd know what I was talking about."

"I'm sure you've discussed all this with God, but the truth is, that most Utahns aren't all that crazy about the fact that you've given the world another reason to make fun of them. Not only do they all have horns and seven wives, but now they're stupid and need glasses. You've gotta work with me a little bit here--these people are pissed."

As fictitious as the above account may be, I think we Utahns need to face the possibility that we really are a stupid people. Good solid, moral Republicans, to be sure--but perhaps not all that bright. Seriously how could we miss her? Traipsing up and down the street in that Mata Hare costume, with those world famous eyes shining out like two hundred thousand dollar beacons. It makes you wonder if they shouldn't be focusing the search for Osama Bin Laden in Northern Utah.

I swear those eyes have been branded into my soul from every telephone pole and convenience store window in the free world; and I could've identified them in an ocean of eyes. Haunting, shadowy eyes that reminded me so much of Mariel Hemingway's in the film Manhattan. And yet there was the guy who let them all stay in his room for a week? He's gotta be hating life--spending all that reward money every night in his dreams. He looked like he could've used a quarter mill.

I must say it's been a blessing to have the war come along and relegate the Smart story to the back burner. There are alot of cops in my family and this whole weird episode hasn't exactly cast a flattering light their way. Nor does it say much for the smarts of anyone living in Salt Lake county. But in all fairness, you have to concede that the mysterious Miss Smart gave an acting performance to rival Meryl Streep. Whatever kind of terrifying ride she'd been hijacked into, she seemed strangely bent on remaining aboard.