Support Your Local Boneman

"Your dancing is divine."

I suppose it's possible that some of you might think I've gotten myself a big head because of this Boneman deal, that I'm all full of my bad self, strutting around, head in the clouds, whistling Dixie. This really couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I receive such a pitiable paucity of praise that I even removed the paper from the bottom of the birdcage just to make sure my article was even in there. Still it would seem that if people out there find the column a welcome diversion from life's troubling-uncertainty (or numbing-monotony – whichever) they're certainly keeping it to themselves. To the point that I wonder if people figure that if they give me a little "shout out" that it might cause my head to swell. Like "yo bonedaddy y'had me laughin' jack, keep it up," excuse me - POOF – like baking soda and vinegar in a condom at the science fair. It's not like I really need to be lavished in praise, in fact being lavished in anything sounds like it could possibly be unpleasant if not embarrassing. I just need a little feedback once upon a while. For all I know, I might totally suck, and no one's had the heart to pull me aside and break it to me. "Dude, we got t'have the talk." It's not the ego stroke I need so much as a little sonar.

I recently read an interesting piece on line – kind of a sign o' the times thing about some surprising attitudes that have arisen as a consequence of the information age. A telling example pointed to a surprising number of folks who're becoming disenchanted with the digital explosion and as a result many old school modes of entertainment delivery are returning to popularity. Vinyl Lps (albums) for example are enjoying a bit of a spike in sales as well as turntables, not only repairs but new manufacture. Oddly the report also mentioned a similar trend among porn-enthusiasts. You would be inclined to guess that what with 60% of all images on the internet currently displaying at least 'one' naked-person, that the "Porn-Free Generation" would be tickled pink by such figures. Not so, I guess. It may seem nutty, but what with the glut of smut that's parked its nasty-ass butt on the world wide web, porn purists are pining for the day when their prurient interests weren't quite so pedestrian. In their opinion this recent and reckless proliferation of processed, over-produced, porno-pablum has corrupted pornography to the point that it's no longer . . . special. Seriously - how far can we be from the weeping, wailing and the brushing of teeth when even pornography has yielded to the corrupting influence of the world?

A further irony that you might get a kick out of is that due to all of the free porn available on the internet, "Adult Video Sales have slacked-off by more than half. Shucks! I bet the porn-video zillionaires thought it was pretty funny when the internet killed-off the Encyclopedia industry overnight. "Ha ha ha, "The times they are a-changin'," ha ha." I'll bet it lost its humor when "poor Funk n' Wagnall," turned into "poor Funk n' Us." The same article I quoted also suggested that due to a renewed popularity of the "Stag Party," 8 millimeter home movie projectors are flying off the shelves of pawn shops and thrift stores and, as demand out-paces supply, are even fetching a higher price than their high tech counterparts. "Hurray, Stag parties are back!" It's about time we got rid of all these ridiculous hang-ups, and got back to the good old days when there wasn't so much stigma attached to masturbating in front of a dozen strangers.

In a day and age when there's scarcely a politician or public figure in the world who doesn't hedge their bets or flop their waffles, I publicly pledged to remain steadfast in my campaign about pornography. I know what you're thinking. Only a fool would stick his neck out for such a controversial cause. It's not like I don't understand the risks of making a target of myself, but there comes a time in every man's life when he has to put his shoe down and draw a stick in the sand. I chose porn for a few several reasons, 1) because not too many people pick it, so their should be a lot of good slogans available (t-shirt sales alone could bring a little scratch to do battle with old Scratch. And 2) because it's only got 4 letters which doesn't eat up a lot room on a Tshirt. (I did mention that I'm against it, right? Living in Utah and so forth, I figured coming out in favor of porn would most likely be, how do the native Indians say it "To think as shit." At the very least it would have demonstrated a pretty shaky grasp of public opinion. Or Opinion de Public if you will,) So, just to clarify – I've chosen the issue of Porn in order to stand in opposition for it.

You have to understand that that it's a complicated game, and I certainly don't want to give anyone the idea that I know the first thing about what I'm doing here. What I mean by that is not at all what it sounds like. Okay, the thing is I have very little experience on either side of the porn fence. Y'see, you have to envision a porn-fence. One side is the naked screwing side with all the money; The Right side is the fully clothed side sort of pinch-faced "you evil sinners yatta yatta yatta, your spending the devil's money" that side. I know which side I'm on, but it's going to be a learning process, (or, what people who don't have enough money to be happy call, "a journey.") Y'see for me to take the devil's money and put it in the pocket of my cause, sounds to me like a hell of a journey. And it's gonna take some damn catchy t-shirts. Check this one out, but don't tell anybody yet, cause I ain't got the patent yet, it's what they call "depending": "Just say No to Por." You see the beauty there? The double intender? You got your anti-smut just as big as shit! and anti-poor. Right there in it. Like to stop smut we're gonna need a little do re me, eh? I hate to toot my own hooter, but that's just flat out sweet. It's got two awesome meanings in 14 letters. I'm sorry, but sometimes you just got it. And, trust you me, I've never been a great man for boasting - in fact you could make a pretty solid case that I've never been a great man at all. But when you can take 14 letters and say "down with Pornography, but let's make us a fancy little chunk a green while we're putting ‘er down," I'm not uncomfortable with the word Genius.

So you got your subtle one, now you go balls out – ready for this – "Hey Monkey-Spank, Leave Yourself Alone, Loser!" My partner's not crazy about that one, but he's warming up to "Porn is for Jerk Offs!" "Course he wants to leave the Off off. Idiot, If you don't leave the Off on it cuts the balls off it. Right. I don't know – I think Karma's out to get me for making so much fun of the morons who came up with the big "Porno Rattlesnake." How could anybody have put that gigantic embarrassment by the side of I-15? This Brain Trust for some reason decided it would be clever to equate Pornography with Venomous reptiles. Y'see by combining an enormous coiled diamondback, with the slogan - "Porn: Just as Deadly!"??? I'm sorry, I still can't believe that it really happened. First of all, if you're reading this and you had anything to do with creating that embarrassing piece of crap, please allow me to apologize for my bellicosity, I had no call to be such a mean bastard about it. I mean all you did was embarrass a whole state. They should've had picture of a sheep and said "Porn: Just as Stupid. Good old boy gold-brickin every dime of it. That masterstroke, was the result of a thousand hours of "on the clock" deliberation by some state-level think-tank full of nephews and sons in laws. On behalf of the state I want to thank you sidewinders. It wasn't enough that they make us out to be a loose confederation of weirdos and Amish polygamists who won't sell you a drink unless you got a treasure map. No, they had to really rub it in. We also had to be so stupid that we hunt down pornographers with rattlesnakes. The scary thing is that was the winner. what was the runner-up like? "Your Hubby has a Hobby, that's how he lost his Jobby."