The Battle for Middle Earth

I guess it's safe to say that we won the war. I can tell it's pretty much over with because now when I get home from work I don't immediately seize control of the remote and turn the television to CNN. I'm no longer imbedded on the couch flipping back and forth between 40 and 41 until I succumb to fitful slumber well into the wee hours. I feel a little bit guilty about it, but lately I find myself channel-surfing again. Back to business as usual. Better see who's on Conan.

I should say that my daughters are particularly happy about the swift resolution to the conflict. They're a little too young to understand the geo-political significance of the Coalition victory--but they're able to appreciate the fact that they've been liberated from my iron-fisted dictatorship of our domestic communication facilities. Democracy has been restored to the Boneman's airwaves and Scooby Doo is once again free to infiltrate the vast cartoon network of terror and bring justice back to my children's "remote" corner of the world. Here here.

I too was thrilled to see Hussein and the gang fold like a $5 card table. I've always felt that evil, torturing murderers were bad, and it's done my heart some good to watch our boys put the smack down on their ass. But that's just me. I think people should be nice.
Still, I have to admit I expected a little more out of the great and terrible Republican Guard--this Mother of all War Machines? We could've probably gotten a better fight out of the Salvation Army. From a military standpoint, I'm not even sure Operation Iraqi Freedom was even very good practice. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that things went well and so forth--it's just that I was kinda "ramped up" for the Battle of Baghdad. I'd laid-in plenty of snacks and beverages, hunkered down with clicker in hand--I was ready to go long into the night.

I realize that complaining about this looks bad; but come on--it was over with so fast? I just wanted to see a little action. Damn that Saddam Hussein--he could've put together a pretty decent little fighting force if he hadn't made the strategic error of killing half his soldiers. He ruined the war.

Even though the looting kind of spoiled the fun--I have to admit that I miss the war. I spent a lot of time watching the coverage and, even though it was a little repetitive, I found ways to stay entertained. For example I was endlessly fascinated by that Anderson Cooper guy's hair. What's the deal with that--is he a Calico? I kept picturing him striding briskly toward the News desk with two make-up guys running alongside frantically doing their best with a couple cans of spray paint--Anderson?

I also spent a lot of time trying to determine whether or not Iraqi correspondent Christiane Amanpour is hot. This is the third Gulf conflict she's covered and I'm still not sure--it's a close call. My favorite was that Iraqi Minister of Information, Mohammed MaGoo. He'd zip out there and lie to the world as fast as he could, "The Coalition Forces are running away from Baghdad like frightened little girls," ready to hit the dirt if a car backfired. "We have reports that Iraqi Forces have seized control of the Mount Rushmore and Yankee Stadium. Now I must go."

It will certainly be debated whether or not the war's pervasive media coverage was to the good, but if you ask me, all this media--this terrible spreading virus of images and information is the best friend we've ever had. Even though Clinton didn't do much about Bosnia or Kosovo, or the Balkans--he knew about it. With an administration willing to act, mass atrocities can be kept in check by the camera, the computer and the satellite. As a champion of human rights the Media is right up there with Abraham and Martin. The world will always have it's share of sinister little weasels--but if we're willing to step-up, we can prevent the Pol Pot's and Idi Amin's from making a career of it. I hope this is the overriding victory we've achieved over the past few months. The exclamation point. The message. You can't just start up a chain of concentration camps unless you want your ass kicked. Y'got that--North Korea? We can't stop people from being evil--but we can keep it a cottage industry.

And seriously--I don't get you evil people--you career evil people? You're not cool. Most of history's truly heinous monsters turned out to be dorky little mama's boys who flipped out. Bedwetting little nerds, born before Ritalin. Give us a break already? Evil sucks! I'm not saying you should start taking hot meals to the elderly, or become a Big Brother--just hold-off on the killing and raping. Your God may be a little different from ours, but I bet he doesn't go for that kind of stuff. You're giving the G-man a bad name.

Maybe by the time you read this, they will have found out what happened Saddam. But at the time of this pressing his fate is still a matter of conjecture. I've heard it suggested that it's only fitting that he is being forced to hide like a rat in a hole. But by the same token, most of the accounts of his underground bunkers don't lead one to picture him crouching behind a rock. If he's down there, he's still livin' pretty large. His cable may be out, but he's got plenty of DVDs. And along with his vast storage of caviar and champagne, he probably has half a dozen storage women. Real bunker busters. Maybe he's down there so far that we won't even need to kill him--we'll just keep chasing him until he stumbles through the wrong door right into hell. "Say hi to Hitler, you lousy camel humper."

As far as the looters are concerned--whaddaya gonna do? Looting isn't exactly foreign to we Americans. It was, however, awfully saddening to learn that looters had cleaned out the Iraq Museum. This is a museum located right near the "cradle of civilization" and some of those artifacts date back before written history. I'd hate to think that some guy named Samir is zipping around Baghdad with "the Wheel" in his trunk. He probably doesn't give a shiite--he's just bummed that somebody else made-off with "The Jack."

Alas, there's certainly nothing funny about how many people have been killed and Lord knows where to draw the line between the guilty and the innocent. Even so I don't think any reasonable soul can argue that what has taken place isn't for the best. At least for now. Certainly both sides have suffered losses, and what may come of it all is anybody's guess. Hopefully the world will have a chance to heal--perhaps, in time, we'll even forgive the Dixie Chicks. I can't stay mad at those kooky kids.

But God help us. One night CNN ran a feature in which a group of religious pundits speculated upon whether or not the war in Iraq is one of the signs of the Second Coming. They put together a pretty convincing case--pointing out that this SARS business might be one of the great plagues. Look guys--things are scary enough, alright? You don't need to throw the book at us. After all, it's just Armageddon? It's not like it's the end of the world.