The Big Lewinsky

Dope smoker, Draft dodger, Illegal contribution taker, Whitewater, Flowers, Jones, Lewinsky, this guy can roll with the punches, huh? There's just no stopping him. He'll go down in history as the "EVEREADY" President. Keeps on goin' . . .

Landing on his feet smilin', feeling our pain, "Shucks, I didn't do that, and what if I did? Can't put me in jail; Hilary won't divorce me; can't impeach me--'Al Gore, leader of the Free World?' Gives ya the willies don'it?"

"No, if you need me I'll be right here in the White House, (or as I like to call it Presidential Erection Headquarters) I love that'n, spank me I'm bad."

Actually, I think that's exactly what we need to do. Since the traditional disciplinary channels don't seem to be functioning--let's get creative--let's have ourselves a "Nationally Televised Spanking".

Bend ole Billy over, give Janet Reno a paddle and turn her loose. I wanna see that Big Bad Mama put the smack down on his Sesame Seed Buns, until he "feels our pain" big time.

Then to top it off, make him confess all of his dirty little deeds on "Loveline", and then throw him at the mercy of "Dr. Drew". It wouldn't be pretty--the good Doctor draws a hard line on cheaters and creeps.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little bit hard on ole Bubba. After all he is "The President". What if he's innocent--right? What if all four thousand of those women are lying? All I know is that being an American isn't what it used to be--I'm confused these days.

On the one hand you've got this "cheat'n, cheeseburger-eat'n chubster; and on the other, you've got this "cuddly smooth-talking pain-feeler" with and Approval Rating right up there with Santa Claus.

Who's approving of what, for God's sake? What ever happened to the Ten Commandments? Did I miss something? Are they just the Ten Suggestions, now? Maybe I read it wrong. Is it "Thou shalt not admit adultery?" Where are they conducting these "Approval Rating" polls--"Frat-Houses" in Arkansas? "You dang toot'n I approve--go'on Billy Boy Whew".

I had a nightmare the other night that things just kept getting worse: "Pollsters estimate that more women now claim to have had sex with Bill Clinton, than actually voted for him. In a related poll, the President's "Approval Rating" among the women who claim to have slept with him is a full 32% lower than the General Public. (A jilted Clinton calls these figures misleading and has officially blamed his poor rating on "El Nino"). Details at eleven. H E L P U S .

It's Hilary's pain that I feel. Whether their marriage is some loveless political arrangement or not, it's got to be humiliating to trot out there and go to bat for this guy. But I can't forgive her for trying to load-off this Right Wing "Conspiracy" twaddle.

Girl please. He's been cheating on you since the Eisenhower administration. In fact I have a hunch this whole "Conspiracy Theory" snow-job, is just part of Bill's plan to get Julia Roberts in the sack.

Lost in all of this maelstrom is poor "Chelsea", talk about having your world reduced to rubble. She probably hasn't come out of the Dorm for a month. And then there's Miss Lewinsky. That little ole gal is gonna go down in history. She'll be lucky if they don't name a certain activity after her. (Insert your joke here).

Alas we've got no one but ourselves to blame. We could've elected Bob Dole. He's starting to look pretty good now, huh--cutting it up on Letterman and SNL--keeps it zipped up. There's going to be some slap-happy Republicans when this Millenium rolls around. "1999 Baby!" How can they lose? In fact I've made up a slogan they're welcome to use, "Vote Republican--We Only Screw You Figuratively."

What can you really say in Clinton's defense? Kennedy horsed around? They all do it? He's certainly not the first politician to get his hand caught in the "Intern Cookie Jar"--at least he had the decency to pick a girl. There, I've said something nice.

But come on--what's to approve of? This is the man who's supposed to stand for our ideals--that our children look up to. What must the kids be thinking? "Daddy, what's fellatio?" "That's fancy foreign coffee son, you nevermind about that." Disgraceful, I'm sorry, but like Miss Lewinsky, "Bill's cheap thrills" have left a bad taste in my mouth.

Evidently, I'm in the minority with this opinion. Look at the economy, that's the main thing, right? Money is evidently what we approve of. Whenever priority-ethics like this arise I'm reminded of a quote from David O' McKay that I've always admired. David said, "No amount of worldly success can compensate for failure in the home". Amen Brother. Just for the record, I don't approve at all, Bill. No matter how you define it, adultery ain't cool.

If I were a Presidential advisor, I think I'd tell Bill to take John Glenn's seat on the shuttle and just blast off into space for a while--let the dust settle. Maybe come back down in time to audition for the sequel to "Boogie Nights". Besides, he's exactly the kind of man we need in the space program--right? Not only could he find life on other planets, he could find some action.