The Boneman - The Rolling Stone Interview

I've been a die-hard fan of the Boneman for so long now that it's become as much a part of my monthly routine as brushing my teeth. In fact, I'm so accustomed to being present for his monthly droll-call that without a peek through his levity-lens the world would be noticeably less cool. When I was asked to interview him I jumped at the chance. Though I was a little intimidated, I know so little about the man beyond the rumors (is he a drug fiend, or a fanatical Mormon)? Hopefully we'll be able to separate fact from fiction and find out a little bit about what makes the Boneman tick.

KJ) Maybe we could start off by learning a bit about your childhood?
BM) Well as you must know it wasn't terribly pleasant, I don't like to dwell on it, but since it's been so well documented there's no sense trying to hide the fact that as an infant I was abandoned in a landfill under a pile of Playboy magazines. Which is ironic, due to the fact that I was eventually rescued and taken in by a pack of wild Cottontails.
KJ) I've heard this before, but it's a little hard to accept that you were raised by rabbits from infancy and that you grew up in a rabbit hole?
BM) It's called a warren, Kev and to be honest, there are times when I miss it. Lotta good memories, I mean my Uncle Wiggly, if it wasn't for him and his buddy Humpy Joe Jackson (sniffs) I would have died in that dump. I hate to perpetuate the stereotype but those boys liked to scare 'em up a little dump-tail. Y'know, judge if you must, but they kinda can't help themselves with the uh, reproduction thing. Bunnies will be bunnies. Anyway, it saved my tail.
KJ) Well, goodness I'm not sure we should have gone there. What happened with that, then? BM) Sadly it ended rather tragically when my mother was murdered by a hit-and-run driver. Callous S.O.B. didn't stop to help, barely even seemed to notice. I followed that car for miles and stumbled upon creatures closer to my size who lived in hutches that were above the ground. From that moment forward I vowed that one day I'd avenge my mothers' death by finding a medium sized regional Arts and Entertainment publication and write subversive propaganda. This is for you Ma.
KJ) I understand you tried to put together a reality show, what was it - Hole Sweet Hole?
BM) Yea, it fell through. We pitched an edgier version- Hell Hole, Just about got it off the ground when a gaffer took a spill, almost suffocated - Union gunned us down.
KJ) Wow - Have you got any other projects in the works?
BM) Yes, I'm working on a script hoping to capitalize on the popularity of the Oscar winning film The Kings Speech, it's a parody tentatively titled Schindler's Lisp - if we can get the rights. If not probably, Stutter Island.
KJ (charity chuckle) While we're on the subject, I think you can get to know a lot about a person by the kind of movies they like, could you narrow your favorites down to a short list?
BM Well I'm afraid it won't be too enlightening - just like anyone I'm a sucker for the classics. I guess if I had to pick one... I'd have to go with "Spanky Man." The original of course - it's just so rich with trivia. The fact that the blind Eskimo assassin was played by a young Claude Moops. I mean it's just fascinating when you consider it would only be a year until Moops would take the world by storm in "Johnny Underpants." It was like Bang! when Underpants hit - it was like Moops-madness.
KJ) Oh hey . . . who could forget uh, moops . . . madness - what else do you like - do you have a guilty pleasure?
BM Hey come on, I thought we were gonna keep the gloves 'up'? Besides, I straightened that out with the Bishop a long time ago.
KJ Yea no, a guilty pleasure - you know, it's like say a macho, hockey player who secretly likes to watch the "Bravo," network or ?
BM Mm hmm.
KJ Okay well, maybe we should move on? -
BM Succotash.
KJ Pardon.
BM Succotash, I like succotash I guess.
KJ Uh huh. Alright well let's um - whaddaya think about this Charlie Sheen business?
BM What's not to think about.
KJ I mean y'know, genius or drug-addled kook hanging by a thread?
BM Exactly - It would be amusing to watch the character he played in Wall Street trying to decide what to do with his Charlie Sheen stock - "Buy buy buy, whoa Warlock, Rockstar from Mars what? Sell, Sell it, drop it like a hot box of turds. Wait, hold up - wait a minute, Buy Buy Bye Bye.
KJ Interesting . . . take - did you hear he's doing a one man show on Broadway and tickets are like 150 a pop?
BM Really, he should call it Two and a half Mental Patients. 150 bucks though, I guess he "is" winning. He's all about winning, "I'm winning" he says. Makes you wonder who's losing, somebody must be. Actually, I watched a few minutes of that new Celebrity Apprentice and I'm pretty sure it's one of those folks.
KJ) Speaking of winning - from a distance I thought you'd put on weight, but up close I can see a surprising amount of muscular definition. How do you maintain such an awesome physique? Are you in the gym 24/7?
BM No, made a deal with the devil. Just kidding, it's all smoke and mirrors, steroids. It probably looks like I could make your gums bleed just by shaking your hand, but I'm as weak as a welp.
KJ Well, color me confused, I know you're pushing 51 and a half, but you don't look a day over 31 and a half - You must have the magic painting in the attic?
BM It's not quite so dramatic. I just stay out of the sun, try to drink plenty of blood; and my new thing is infant urine - twice a day. Cocktail of Kings, a little motor oil for the magic machine - y'see I slipped into a Charlie Sheen impression. For the record, I make it a point to avoid pee pee.
KJ Okay - lets switch things up - what do you think of the mess in Japan?
BM What's not to hate? It's terrible, just sickening to see. We're like 3 weeks in and there's still hundreds and hundreds still missing. One good bit of news, I took my family to Bryce Canyon over Spring Break and I think I found most of them. They're in Bryce. I'm sorry that's in bad taste, but I tell ya what's in worse taste is that damned channel 3 out of Vegas. They're driving me crazy - right during the worst of it, two nights in a row their big lead story was, "Will the nuclear fallout make it to America?" Goodness! It's like, "to hell with the starving, homeless, freezing Japanese people searching the rubble for their parents, who cares if those funny-lookin' foreigners glow in the dark – just don't let that radiation make it past Barstow." Channel 3 -Fukashima you! Y'buncha shallow, bung nuggets. I'm sorry I've got a toothache - my teeth don't realize how young I look.
KJ Right. While we're on the subject, I know you write a lot about end times - do you think all these disasters portend the beginning of the end?
BM No idea - certainly not the beginning.
KJ Whaddaya make of those Mayans? And their end of the world calendar?
BM I don't know, what's the deal - the world is supposed to end December 21 2012? My advise would be make sure your food and water storage is adequate and then don't spend a lot of money on Christmas gifts that year until the last minute.
KJ Good advice. From time to time I hear a bit of grumbling about the fact that you write so openly about your belief in the Mormon church.
BM No! I guess it's a good thing I'm not a Satanist, that might go over even worse.
KJ I think it's more about using the paper as a pulpit - or something.
BM I've used the paper for worse, wouldn't recommend it though - it's not exactly quilted Northern. To be serious, I can understand their point, this probably isn't the most appropriate place to discuss such things. Truly a man's religious beliefs are better kept between himself and Youtube.
KJ Do you intend to continue discussing the church?
BM Let me answer that by quoting from D&C 18:15 - (which, does not stand for "Deluded and Crazy" Deej) "And if it so be that you should labor all your days crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great will be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father." I would like to hope that after all these years of looking to make people laugh, that I might also have a little bit of influence to the good. I've been on both sides of the fence and I've found that following Christ's teachings and keeping the commandments is a more comfortable way to go. It's where the happy is. I can tone it down, though - if needs be. To paraphrase the 10th Commandment. "It's not my ass."