The Crap, the Whole Crap and Nothing but the Crap!

A midwest Minister named Joe Wright has recently risen to heroic proportions on the strength of a little prayer he offered before the Kansas State Senate. Paul Harvey ran it up his flagpole and saluted--and it's really making the rounds on the E-mail circuit. There's a good chance you may have already found this little E-pistle in your in-box. It's hot stuff--moms and sisters bouncing it back and forth--Subject: I think I've finally found minister Wright.

I have to say I admire the man's backbone--he got up there in front of a bunch of "nervous Nelly" politicians and threw down the hard stuff--spooked 'em. There wasn't a dry chair in the house. Some were so unnerved by the Minister's straight-shooting that they fled from the room. They couldn't handle the truth, and you know why--Joe? Because the truth sucks. In our little rose-colored world of illusion, denial and Regis Philbin--the truth never goes over worth a damn.

A lot of what the minister had to say was right on, and some of it was just right wing--but the problem with all this truth is that there isn't much we can do about it. The whole damn world is going to hell in a honey-wagon and we're all eventually going to wither and die and that's the truth and who needs it? You go to work, you mow the lawn, you watch the game, you rent a video, you have a popsicle, you go to bed. Life's rich pageant. Sadly, much of the time, life is bad--and when life gets bad you don't need the truth, you need some bullshit, and plenty of it.

I say leave the truth alone--look at John Rocker. He got all full of himself, thought our Brave new world was eager for his brand of the truth, and in case you hadn't heard, it didn't work out so well. The truth bounced his silly redneck butt back to the minors. The Braves have had to drag him back up, but he's not the same guy on the mound. He looks like he swallowed his chew. Like a 5 year old separated from his parents at the fair. They say the truth shall set you free. What they meant was "the truth shall set you free, unless you're OJ--in which case stick to the B.S. "If the truth doesn't fit - you must bullshit." And bla bla bla I'm turning into Dennis Miller. Here's a sample of the minister's provocative prayer:

". . . We have endorsed perversion and called it "alternative lifestyle." We have exploited the poor and called it "the lottery." We have rewarded laziness and called it "welfare." We have killed our unborn and called it "choice." We have shot abortionists and called it "justifiable." We have neglected to discipline our children and called it "building self-esteem."

He goes on and even though it's most profound and compelling, it isn't particularly funny--and since you're probably reading this because it's supposed to be funny--let me offer a little of the Boneman's doctrine:

We have skipped Sacrament Meeting to watch a play-off game and called it "the flu." We have taken home a roll of toilet paper from work and called it a "perk." We have lost 390 dollars in Mesquite and called it "breaking even." We have neglected to discipline our children, but somehow they made a fortune off the internet and bought us a nice boat. We have thrown away a bunch of junk mail and newspaper coupons that our wife has left scattered all over the damn place and called it an "accident." We have given a fellow motorist the finger, discovered they could easily kick our ass and called it a "close one." We have watched Monday Night Football, while our kids ran around the living room and called it "Family Home Evening." We have glorified a sport based upon vulgar exchanges of profanity and striking opponents over the head with folding chairs and called it "Marriage." We have walked a mile in another man's shoes, staggered all the way back to get our own damn shoes, and called in sick to work. We have coveted our neighbor's ass, even though we really have no interest in his smelly old ass and called it "weird." We have opened our car door and dinged up the side of the car next to us and called it an "honest mistake." We have returned to our car to find a ding on our door and considered tracking down the rotten bastard and cutting his sonofabitchin' throat. We have watched channel 73 late at night even though it's totally scrambled and call it "a day." And I, yes I have bastardized this man's words, and called it "a living." Of course I'm only kidding about all this. Whatever you do--don't give up on the truth . . . seriously--I mean that.