Whatever Tosses Your Salad!

There for a while it looked like they might take the issue of "same sex" marriage and turn it into a big "bone of contention" in the Presidential Race. In the end I think Bush wussed out. He didn't want to risk losing the votes of all seven Republican homosexuals. I have to say I'm a little disappointed to see the issue so swiftly whisked under the rug. In fact I was kind of hoping they'd push through some tough legislation against "same sex" marriage. I don't know about you, but I've been having the "same sex" ever since I got married - and I think there needs to be a law! (That's just a joke, by the way - my wife and I frequently engage in all kind of wild sex . . . just not with each other.)

It looks like the issue of gay marriage is going to fade into the political sunset like a discarded pastel throw-pillow. John Kerry is certainly keeping it zipped. He doesn't want to blow the gay vote by opening his big mouth. By virtue of being the liberal, Kerry has already got the gays in his back pocket, right down to the last hanging Chad. Considering Kerry's considerable cranial endowment (big head) I can already imagine the jokes circulating among the gays. If I were a gay supporter of John Kerry I'd already be driving around with my campaign bumper sticker proudly proclaiming: "John Kerry: The Bigger the Head - The Better the Head!"

That's the problem with being the Democratic Candidate - it's like driving a wagon-full of wingnuts: Rock Stars, Movie Stars, tree-huggers, drunks, smart-asses, potheads, nudists, vampires, vegetarians, jokesters, transvestites, crack-whores - all kind of wobbly wackos from dope-fiends to pornographers. This is what the Democratic Candidate inherits - Mixed Nuts and Party Animals. Not all of these citizens are gonna make it to the polls, but damnit, they're on your side. I think at some point "The Left" was shortened from "The Leftovers."

With the popularity that gays are suddenly enjoying the world over - I'm a little bit surprised that anybody's even making a fuss about "Gay Marriage." As we speak, I'm sure the Bravo Network is working on a new reality show called ""My Big Fat Gay Wedding." And I wouldn't be at all surprised if NBC replaces Friends with a new sit-com called Fruits.

Sure you're always going to have the Pat Robertson pinch-faced Puritans all in a dither over such things: "Oh the depravity of it all, a man marrying another man, where will it all lead?" I'll tell you where it will lead - it will lead to Gay divorces. Lawyers have gotta be lickin' their chops over this one. Can't you just hear them rubbing their hands together, muttering to themselves "two bitchy little guys, one tiny little apartment, that's money in the bank--I'm ordering that Hummer now!"

Actually I believe that "same sex" couples stand a better chance of remaining married than a man and a woman. Number one, gay people will never "have" to get married. You're never gonna hear anybody say, "What'd I tell ya, that damn fool Wendell went and knocked-up ole Jimmy Joe!" Number Two, I think gay men would be more resistant to divorce just because of the "I-told-you-so" factor. It would be about the equivalent of some guy who decides to marry a porn star and then has to hang in there to the bitter end, just so he doesn't have to listen to all the crap his family and friends would give him for the rest of his life. This would apply exponentially in the case of Gays.

Couldn't you just hear your Dad after your first Gay divorce? (Let's make him Irish) "Aw now Kyle, don't be gettin' yer knickers in a twist. I told you not to go and marry that no-good Bryan Dickerman in the first place - ya daft little fruit? Did ya really think that was gonna work out? Did ya boyo? Because I didn't . . . Bryan Dickerman couldn't cook a hot dog in a microwave, but no . . . you had g'off and make him yer wife? I wouldn't have taken that swishy little twiggot to a bowling alley and you walked him down the bloody aisle - you stupid puff. Oh and look at that, there y'go a cryin' - perpetuatin' the stereotype!"

You may think that what I'm about to say is a little bit harsh, but this is how I feel about gays. They're just fine by me, they should enjoy all the freedoms and be subject to the selfsame laws as the rest of us. But here's the deal, if you're a man and you want to kiss and have sex with another man, you've completely forsaken your right to not be poked fun at. You're free to make fun of us bald and fat guys, rednecks and their mullets, people with uni-brows, toupees, poor fashion-sense, and bad taste in general - go ahead and laugh it up. But you'll never, (nor should you) be safe from the crass, ill-inspired cracks at the expense of your sexual preference. Comes with the territory. Fair is fair.

That being said, I really am a good sport about gayness. Whatever tosses your salad? I suppose I've known a good number of gay people in my day, and counted several as friends at one time or another, but what I don't understand is this name they've chosen for themselves - Gay? I mean if I were homosexual (last time I checked - still hetero) I wouldn't want somebody calling me "Gay!" That's just gay. If it were me, I think I'd rather go by Homo or Fag. Actually faggot sounds the coolest. "That's right punk, you're looking at a Faggot - y'wanna do something about it - pussyboy?"

No matter how big of a "flamer" I was, I wouldn't want to be called "Gay." I'm curious as to whose decision this was? I'm pretty sure it's a name they chose for themselves - and you have to wonder who was in charge of the meeting on "Gay Day?" Did they cross "Happy" off the list? "Merry?" (Probably not "Merry," that would foul-up Christmas, plus we'd be in the midst of a nationwide debate over Merry-Marriage, which would only make it all-the-more gay). Gay just seems so random? While on a visit to San Francisco might a person have found themselves witnessing a parade in support of "Silly Rights." It could have all been different if they'd gone with another word! "Did you hear about Darryl? He's Pleasant! I swear to God he's Pleasant as a 3 dollar bill - saw him at gay-hour in a happy-bar."

That last bit about Darryl is actually one of the first jokes I published in this paper - but I never get tired of it. I'm also a little bit in the dark about this new thing "The Metro-sexual?" I'm pretty sure I'm not one (I bite off my fingernails and wear a beard that can get a little shaggy between trims) still I'm little confused about the whole thing. In fact the first time I heard the expression "Metro-sexual," I thought they were talking about Mike Piazza? Bada-bing!