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Cami, I don't know if you heard but through a very hard to explain series of misfortunes I lost my entire article yesterday. No notes, not and old draft not word one. I shit you not. I was bummed. I'd worked long and hard on it and it was ether. So I considered trying to dig up and oldie, but realize that they don't work during Christmas, you can't fake it unless it's a Christmas one, and my Christmas ones all have time references, I was afraid we were going to have to run with the old geezer and his octagenarian gems again, but I prayed about it and was inspired to write it again. Trust me, this thing and the one I labored over have not joke one in common. Strangely I think the new one is better. it's rough as cactus ass-wipe so please send your edit back to me and not Josh I need more time with it. If you really want to look at the revision I don't mind. Happy T-Giving. Love Bone Mother

At this point you're probably wondering if I'll go off on one of my boring tirades about our National Healthcare system. Well you can relax. I'm as sick of health as the next guy. I just wanted to display my ignorance as to the operational methods of the FDA. I'm thinking they should come out with a drug called "Plethora" for people who are sick of the endless parade of wonder drug commercials. I gotta believe that Activia must work pretty well, because that Jamie Lee Curtis is buggin' the 'crap' out of me. I can't get to the bathroom fast enough. Just imagine what a pain in the " rect center" it must be for doctors. It used to be so simple; this one for pain, that one for sleep, a couple for infections - "let's watch that cholesterol now? Super. Marilyn I'm gonna sneak in 9, text me if anything serious happens. Oh boy, my Calloways await. Ah how sweet it is!" Nowadays his putting-practice gizmo is collecting dust while he studies brochure after brochure about this weeks' new wonder drug. "So let's see? Take one of these with last week's wonder drug and you're . . . teats up. Ouch! Oh not another one, Cydanex? Yikes! Should have called it Sideffex. Sheesh, I wouldn't feel comfortable with one of those bad boys in my 'pocket'. Damn, the Lawyers are gonna be laughing at us."

Patients taking Abilify are strongly cautioned to discontinue use if they suddenly become blind, stupid, insane, obese, flatulent, funny looking, or experience violent rectal bleeding or demonic possession. (Consult fine print of instruction before calling an Attorney or Priest.) Patients taking certain other medications along with Abilify should avoid all water-related activities or watersports due to partial loss of dermal water resilience. Thus doctors suggest patients taking Abilify to check for (waterproofness) before engaging in any daily water-related activities such as swimming, bathing, showering or baptism. Simply immerse your hand in water for 5-7 seconds. If after removing the hand you find it noticeably heavier with a corresponding loss in hand and finger agility - store hand in cool dry place and wait for the FDA to approve "Agilify -Your waterproofness is only a few votes away."

At this point you're probably wondering if I'll go off on one of my boring tirades about our National Healthcare system. Well you can relax. I'm as sick of health as the next guy. I just wanted to display my ignorance as to the operational methods of the FDA. I'm thinking they should come out with a drug called "Plethora" for people who are sick of the endless parade of wonder drug commercials. I gotta believe that Activia must work pretty well, because that Jamie Lee Curtis is buggin' the crap out of me. I can't get to the bathroom fast enough. Just imagine what a pain in the " rect center" it must be for doctors. It used to be so simple, this one for pain, that one for sleep, a couple for infections - "let's watch that cholesterol now? Super. Marilyn I'm gonna sneak in 9, text me if anything serious happens. My Calloways await. Ah how sweet it is!" Nowadays your putting-practice gizmo is collecting dust while you study brochure after brochure about this weeks' new wonder drug. "So let's see? Take one of these with last week's wonder drug and you're . . . teats up. Ouch! Oh not another one, Cydanex? Yikes! Should have called it Sideffex. Sheesh, I wouldn't feel comfortable with one of those bad boys in my 'pocket'. Whoosh, the Lawyers are gonna be laughing at us."

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I was a little too harsh on my family doctor and friend of 15 years, who quite unexpectedly asked me if I was dealing the sleep medication, he's been prescribing to me for 15 years, on the street. "The Street?" Is 'Kojak' still on? It's amazing the lengths some people are willing to go in order to avoid the awkwardness of suggesting that someone could use a haircut. Okay, yer right Doc - it's getting a little shaggy. It's just that since my name is almost Kevin Smith, I find if I look enough like him near Christmas, I get a lot of nice stuff by mistake. To receive is better than to give. Unless we're talking about Genital Herpes. I realize that I should write the puzzling remark off as advanced senile dementia, and get on with my life - yet it haunts me!

I'm just fooling around, I love him and his family and have a world of respect for him as a doctor. He keeps a signed copy of my book on his nightstand. He says it really helps him put things in balance. He takes it out, he says, and the short leg makes that old nightstand wobble like crazy. Seriously though he was supportive of me when I made the changes in my lifestyle that allowed me to meet my responsibilities as a father and priesthood holder. And though it's true that I see him more often in Priesthood leadership meetings than in the doctors office, I 'do' wear my hair in a style far more akin to the original Apostles than the present ones. So I'm gonna give him a mulligan on the drug dealer remark. Because I've seen him golf and I know he needs an occasional second chance, goodness knows I've been given a doozie. As for the hair - it stays. Maybe, just maybe, I'll trim it up a bit as a Christmas present for my daughter Lennon. She hates my long hair, to the point of following me around the house with scissors. She's become the poster child of the "My Dad looks like a Drug Dealer" charity. For now it's my opinion that the drug dealers should have to cut their hair - I look like a damn 'dork' with short hair. Have you seen Kevin Smith with the short hair and the big glasses? He looks like the short kid in Jerry McGuire. Not Tom Cruise - I mean like the young boy.

I just thought of something funny, 'weird' funny, not Tom Cruise is short 'hilarious' funny. About 3 years ago I had a doctor ask me if I'd ever 'killed' anybody. I know you're thinking 52 is pretty old to be getting asked these types of Questions. Actually the question came as a bit of comic relief during my repentance process. Ordinarily this takes place with a Bishop, but it was decided that the probability of lightning strikeage was such that a doctor was appointed to field some of the heavy duty sins. Okay this is stupid, as it turns my Bishop was a Doctor and if it weren't for this incredible example of true human greatness and grace, I would have probably been fielding such questions from men in uniforms instead of suits. I knew that he was working with a man who was seeking forgiveness having done a few score of years at the Point of the Mountain for an unfortunate crime of passion in which a fight ended accidentally in a manslaughter charge. The Bish Doctor was not making light of this, rather it was his way of lending a bit of perspective to the catalog of sins that he finally convinced me I could be forgiven of. I remember responding to his question by asking if there were any kind of forgiveness incentive-packages for violating all 10 commandments?

I don't know why he chose me - but it scares me to think where I'd be were it not for his exceeding kindness and patient deskside manner. I was, by no means an easy sell. I couldn't let go of the idea that the sheer volume of the rotten deeds I'd amassed throughout my teens and adulthood was just beyond redemption. Where do you start when you don't know which direction to go, to even find the line you originally began to cross. Much less remember half of the things that you did to end up so lost? How does one apologize when you can't remember to whom you've done what to - why where or when? Given my circumstances I felt about like I was attempting a field goal from my own 10 yard line. After I'd gone all through these real concerns, the Bish Doctor chuckled softly and sized things up with his kind twinkly eyes - me and my invisible derrigible full of despicable deeds, and then asked, "so of all these terrible things you're dragging along behind you like the big-bag full of Whoville toys that the Grinch came to regret stealing - about how many of those awful nasty things would you say you still have a problem with?" "Um, well, let's see there's beer and um . . . lying." What is it that you find you have to lie about?" "Beer?" "You lie about beer?" "Yes, y'know how often, how many. I don't want my wife to worry about it, because it's no big deal." "Good, because we're going to quitting." "How long do I have to be on the wagon before I can be ordained?" "How long have you been drinking it?" "Well, pretty much since I was 17 or so, but I quit for about four years when my girls were born." "Why did you take it up again?" "I don't really know to be honest - stress I guess. Plus it's good for you." "So can you do it? Do you want help?" "Please we're talking 3.2 Utah near bear. In Wales where I inherited my skills, Utah beer is sold with the Sports Drinks." He laughed and then the gavel came down. One Year.

I don't mean to characterize repentance as a cakewalk, I was so ashamed of my many bad decisions that I was scared to death to just lay it all bear, to admit to it all, especially to a righteous man of a different generation. I'd given it a lot of thought a number of times and until I met the Bish Doctor, I had honestly decided to just give up. I guess and take my chances with whatever worth I might have as a more or less decent human being. But that just felt like giving up. Which is probably why they call it that. I stand all amazed today. Because were it not for this man singling me out and haranguing me into going through it, I would have done just that. Give up. As it was, it was not a lot of fun. Over the two days we worked I probably lost a good 5 pounds of tears and snot alone. It 's pretty gross. Once again, allow me to say, that if I can do it. If I can get through it. If I can tell the devil to screw it. So can you it. God wants us all back, I don't need to tell you why we celebrate Christmas. This year really celebrate.

On Mon, Nov 14, 2011 at 3:55 PM, Editor <editor@infowest.com> wrote:

Hey Everybody,

Just wanted to touch base regarding the December issue deadline. Since next week is Thanksgiving, I'm going to need everybody's articles, reviews, etc. on Wednesday, Nov. 23, which is the day before Thanksgiving. I'm going to be working feverishly Wednesday to get as much done as possible before the holiday hits, so please get everything to me sometime that day (the earlier the better...)

Thanks, and have a happy Thanksgiving!

Cami
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