zBoneman Boneman Humor (Page 6)

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You Say You Want a Resolution?

The problem with making New Year's resolutions is that the tendency is always toward biting off more than one really wants to chew. Consequently, most resolutions have a shelf-life of about two weeks. Why set yourself up, only to let yourself down? I like to keep my resolutions easy. This year, f... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

It's Just One Blessed Event After Another

Though my recollection of biblical facts is, at best, spotty; I seem to remember a famous Old Testament passage that I believe was a command issued by Yahweh to either Adam or Abraham. I'm not sure which and I'm paraphrasing here, but I believe it was something like, "thou shalt be fruitful and mul... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Doomsday Dress Rehearsal

This issue marks the one year anniversary of the Boneman. 1998 was an easy year to poke fun at, and before I start in on 1999, I wanted to thank every one who was kind enough to let me know that I made them laugh this past year. Believe me, laughter is all I'm after and if anything I've written st... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Judgement Day Tripper

As I'm sure you're aware, a lot of folks believe that the end of the world is nye. The Second Coming, Armageddon, the Rapture, the Millennium, whatever you want to call it, I suppose it's possible that they're right. We've got problems, Y2K is only a year away, we've got famine, plague, natural di... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

The World's Gotta End Some Time

In the late 16th century lived a seer--a visionary whose vivid and accurate predictions about the events to precede the end of the world defy explanation. It is a lesser known fact that Nostradamus had a second cousin who was also something of a revelator. By day a humble dung merchant, Nostrabonu... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Is Tinky Winky Kinky?

First off, I've got a difficult confession to make. I'm afraid I've been a selfish, negligent parent. Now that I've got two babies, I'm kind of home bound on some days and I'll have admit in an attempt to divert my oldest daughter's attention long enough to wolf down a bowl of cereal, I've been fo... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

As Needed For Pain

By Sunday evening I'd emptied a bottle of Tylenol, Motrin, and Alleve--a liver-battering barrage of pills that didn't so much as put a dent in the world of pain I'd awoken to that morning. Ungodly, terrible pain that I wish I could tell you was the result of some heroic act--say an injury suffered... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

The Play-offs: Heartache Season

Know this about the Boneman, I love the Utah Jazz. When they win, it pleases me very much. When they lose, I can be pissy for several hours. It seems like lately, there's a game on every single night--which puts the Boneman in "Hot Rod Heaven." You gotta luvvitt baby. Yes I do Hot Rod. You know... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Chicks Dig Me Man

Once in a great while I actually feel like I'm on top of things in my life--accomplishing this and that, staying ahead of the game. Most of the time, however, I feel more like an insignificant little twig caught in the great flash flood of life--too tired and helpless to do much besides ride it out... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Sudden Poverty Syndrome

If you've watched any television lately or listened to the radio talkshows, you may have a heard a little something about a terrible new affliction sweeping the nation that psychologists are calling "Sudden Wealth Syndrome." A condition growing more and more prevalent as the bonanza of the internet... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Prescription For Madness

The other day it was all over the news about some research in San Diego indicating a link between Vitamin C and hardening of the arteries. Just as I suspected--Vitamin C, another insidious killer. I have nothing but heartfelt gratitude for our ever-vigilant medical community who have once again ste... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

X-Mas Files

I must be old. Not "Bah Humbug" old, but I can't seem to get into Christmas anymore. I like the lights and the carols and the decorations and everything, but the problem is that all that stuff just reminds me of Christmas. The time of year when it becomes midnight clear that I really don't have an... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Bosom Buddy

In a candid interview appearing in the maiden issue of Talk Magazine, Hillary Clinton went on record as blaming her husband's problem with marital fidelity on his messed-up childhood. Good Lord, could you please spare us. Not that I care anymore, but I would've preferred if Hillary had blamed Bill's... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Lawrence Welk: Behind the Music

Born to humble circumstances in a small town in South Dakota, Lawrence Welk was hell-bent on stardom. At the age of four he picked up his grandfather's pearl-keyed accordion, played his first wunnerful notes, then dropped it on the family dog, killing it instantly. It would be several years before... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Quantity is Job One

On Columbus Day night I was dining in a busy St. George restaurant when a good-sized party of Polygamists arrived and were seated at a table next to ours. As expected, I was the model of politeness, only sneaking a peak at them every now and then and pretty much going about my meal as though I didn... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

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