zBoneman Boneman Humor (Page 9)

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Lawrence Welk: Behind the Music

Born to humble circumstances in a small town in South Dakota, Lawrence Welk was hell-bent on stardom. At the age of four he picked up his grandfather's pearl-keyed accordion, played his first wunnerful notes, then dropped it on the family dog, killing it instantly. It would be several years before... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Quantity is Job One

On Columbus Day night I was dining in a busy St. George restaurant when a good-sized party of Polygamists arrived and were seated at a table next to ours. As expected, I was the model of politeness, only sneaking a peak at them every now and then and pretty much going about my meal as though I didn... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

The Boneman Diet

A few weeks ago, I was leafing through the Pioneer Shopper and happened onto a classified space that advertised a support group for people on the "Atkins" diet. A support group? What is this Atkins guy doing to people? To be honest, I'd heard a little about this deal--something about cutting back... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

I Like Bush

When Jesse Ventura won the race for Governor of Minnesota, my first impression was that this had to be some sort of wacky Political Science Fiction--at the very least, a crystal clear sign of the second coming. I made a couple of jokes about it, that in retrospect merely proved how ignorant I was a... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

An M&M's Chance In Hell

For some reason in this wondrous age of information I can't seem to get straight on the news. Most of the the big headlines come courtesy of my wife's translation and that's where it all goes bung. Take for example this M&M guy. "Did you hear, the guy who found the golden M&M is a prisoner--they loc... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

The Crap, the Whole Crap and Nothing but the Crap!

A midwest Minister named Joe Wright has recently risen to heroic proportions on the strength of a little prayer he offered before the Kansas State Senate. Paul Harvey ran it up his flagpole and saluted--and it's really making the rounds on the E-mail circuit. There's a good chance you may have alrea... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Post Post-Season Jazz Blues

A midwest Minister named Joe Wright has gotten a lot of notoriety out of a little prayer he offered before the Kansas State Senate. Paul Harvey got behind it and gave it a nice little boost--but it's really making the rounds on the E-mail circuit. There's a good chance you may have already found thi... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Closet Case

So I hurt my back again. Last time it was my upper back, or as the specialist referred to it "my neck." This time it was my lower back that betrayed me. I was lifting my sleeping baby daughter out of her car seat and Sproing!!! Luckily, I left Lennon in her seat and hit the concrete alone. I'm sure... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Yes, It's Hot Enough For Me, Thanks . . .

At the risk of looking like someone who's fast approaching the bottom of his creative well, I think I'd like to talk about the weather. I might be stooping a little low in the topic department but, I'm sorry, 115 is just too many degrees. It's hard to imagine how life in Utah's Dixie was possible... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Moved To Tears

I really haven't been myself lately, and no I'm not talking about the teenage girl who occasionally seizes the wheel of the Bonemobile, I'm talking about a unique kind of dementia invariably brought about when a man is asked to move all of his worldly possessions from one domicile to another. Compo... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Reunited and It Feels So Good

For the past six months I've trained like decathlete--like a man possessed. Every day, lifting, running, dieting, Lifecycle, Deathcycle, whatever it took. I was a madman on a mission, and when the big moment finally arrived, I was ready. What were these countless hours of toil and pain all about,... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Just A Little Off the Top

I suppose I'm as guilty as the next guy, but isn't it odd how quickly we can forget about little things like "nuclear holocaust," the "end of the world" and so forth. "Hey, that was at least a month ago--right?" Saddam's got some pretty spooky offensive weapons, but what about the offensive weapon... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Don't Be A-Rod

The best quote of the year came courtesy of the always reliable Charles Barkley. "You know it's all going to hell," noted Sir Charles, "when the best Rapper is a white guy and the best golfer is a black guy." True. Why didn't I think of that? You also know it's probably going to hell when a baseball... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

The Big Lewinsky

Dope smoker, Draft dodger, Illegal contribution taker, Whitewater, Flowers, Jones, Lewinsky, this guy can roll with the punches, huh? There's just no stopping him. He'll go down in history as the "EVEREADY" President. Keeps on goin' . . . Landing on his feet smilin', feeling our pain, "Shucks,... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

Theres Always Next Year

I'm getting over it I guess, some of the bitterness has gone. I mean I can live without Seinfeld, but I'm sick and tired of the 49ers getting canceled every year. Especially by those "cheddar-headed" inbreeds from Wisconsin. I'm tell'n ya if I hear one more word about "The Frozen Tundra" I won't... [More]

Written By: The Boneman

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