Alexander is without question Oliver Stone's worst film. Train wreck bad? That's up to each individual viewer - but aside from splashing the screen with a fair amount of eye-candy, this is a film that only a mother could love. The mother in this case is Angelina Jolie, who, in spite of being only one year older than Colin Farrell in real life was chosen to play the part of Olympias - a mistress to King Phillip. Phillip is played by Val Kilmer as something of a bloated and blustering drunk, who swaggers about reminding me of that character that Will Farrell plays as the horny hot tub dweller on SNL. As Alexander is an illegitimate son his prospects of becoming heir to the throne are thin, but the scheming, snake charming Olympias contrives a fairly obvious plan to kill off Phillip before he can sire a more suitable heir.

Trust me, I'm not spoiling anything because these facts are redundantly played out in flashback and flash forwards throughout. Narrating the action is Anthony Hopkins as Ptolemy, a teacher who keeps us up on the facts as he instructs a group of young scribes. We get further history lessons by Christopher Plummer as Aristotle and Kilmer who leads young Alexander through a tour of a cave where the mythical legends of Greece are captured in paintings on the wall. Entertaining, maybe a little bit, educational, it depends on your interest in Greek mythology.

The film bounces us back in time, which isn't annoying in the early goings but becomes increasingly more so toward the end, when we're supposed to care about exactly what happened to King Phillip, in order that the mantle of power shift to his bastard son Alexander. Once empowered Alexander, though a mere 16 years old when he gains command of the Macedonian army, is a canny battle tacticians - having leaned much from his father. At this juncture his father's death is attributed to Persian King Darias (Raz Degan) and at that time the Persians rule the greater portion of the civilized world and have always kept the Greeks subjugated by their superior military force.

The film actually has some quite effective moments at this point - just after Alexander has been crowned and his desire to avenge his Father's death leads to the first (and only well-conceived battle sequences) against the heretofore impregnable Persian forces. Alexander's desire to personally deal the death blow to King Darius is perceived as egotistical folly by his fellow military leaders, but this pivotal battle - though devastating to both armies - turns the tables of world power and soon Alexander is the most powerful man on the planet. In spite of his fruity blonde hairdo, he leads his Army into Persia and proves a kind and just despot, thereby earning the love and respect of the people he conquers.

Most have heard this and that about the homosexual overtones that dot the movie, it seems that the true love of his life is Hephaistion (Jared Leto) but all they ever do is hug and tell each other how much they dig each other. In fact the only overtly homosexual scene involves Alexander and this really androgynous looking dude who'd been hanging out exchanging longing looks with Farrell for most of the film. The guy blows out the candles and we see Farrell disrobe and hop between the sheets - giving us a little gander of his scrotum (whether or not the scrotum glimpse floats your boat is really none of my business, but if you care to discuss it, that's what the message board is for). If anything else gets blown during the scene you'd have to dig it off the editors floor.

The problem with Alexander as a film is it really runs aground after he conquers Persia. Everybody else wants to go back home and jump up and down on their money and do the wild thing with their long-suffering loved ones, but Alexander (driven by his unending desire for conquest presses forward) conquering every little podunk principality he can find, unfortunately for the audience, over and over Alexander keeps conquering dullsville. Not only does his military commanders get bored by all this conquering but so does the audience. About the only interesting thing that happens for the rest of the film is his decision to wed a Babylonian girl of color Roxanne (Rosario Dawson) much to the dismay of his countryman. His thinking is that the marriage will solidify the many nations now under his charge in order to demonstrate that he is truly a King of all his lands, but most everybody else would've preferred he head back to Greece and have a Great Big Fat Greek Wedding - with some hometown guy, I mean gal. And believe me that's what the audience wants to. Were tired of meandering around conquering every little half-assed tribe who might wave a spear at him, but such is not to be. The conquering just keeps going an going until you have to call your babysitter on your cell phone and expalin that the movie is actually running Alexander the running late.

Sir Dizzy's Take

Alexander The Great was a relentless conqueror who by the age of 32 had amassed the greatest empire the world had ever known. Past and present collide to form the puzzle of the protagonist, a tapestry of triumphs and tragedies in which childhood memories and Alexander's rise to power unfold side by side with the latter day expansion of his empire, its gradual decline and ultimate downfall. From his youth, fueled by dreams of glory and adventure, to his lonely and mysterious death as a ruler of a vast state - from the tumultuous relationship with his parents (a powerful king and a queen determined to put their child on the throne at any cost, including murder) - to the rousing "band of brothers" bond with his closest companions and vast army, as they fought from the sun-scorched battlefields of the Persian Empire across the snow-peaked mountains of India, the film chronicles Alexander's journey to become a living legend. For as Virgil wrote, "Fortune favors the bold." And no king or emperor, either before or after, has ever achieved such fortune, or indeed was so bold, as Alexander the Great.

Alexander the film, however, seemed to have alot of trouble finding it's footing, and thus the epic grandeur it aspired to never realy gelled on screen. The narrative flow of a great epic requires that the story-line must sometimes be larger than life and almost as unbelievable. By basing the film on too much historical fact, director Oliver Stone failed to spin magic from this material. By insisting on historical accuracy, Stone limited the kind of possible splendor that this film should have easily achieved. The tale of Alexander the Great is fantastic enough that it would not have taken much from the filmmakers to make it as bold and as incredible as he was. But sadly they've not managed to capture the greatness of the man, nor create an epic film that should have at least rivaled Troy, if not the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

Stone seems to have stumbled by remaining too focused on Alexander's personal life, and ignoring his phenomenal accomplishments that certainly should have lent themselves to a much more compelling film. The producers should have taken a look at how Troy managed to find the right balance of history and movie-magic, but by failing this have instead left us with a tedious film that only occasionally rises to the greatness of it's subhect. That is not to say the movie is a complete wash, but it was frustrating enough to make you want to holler at the screen, "Less talk, more Action."

Colin Farrell is not at fault for the films failings, he was a perfect fit for the role, both physically and dramatically. His arrogance and sense of entitlement suited Alexander to a T. I was also surprised that he actually filmed some of the homosexual scenes, these were carried off with great courage and realism. I just never totally accepted Angelina Jolie as his mother - she was wholly unable to carry off the diabolical nature of this woman and just looked wrong for the part. In fact most of the acting was uncomfortably over-the-top and detracted from the epic feel of the film as much as anything else. There is a lot to admire about Stone's film, but compared to Troy, not to mention Peter Jackson's work, it comes off awfully flat.