Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem makes me yearn for the days of Paul W. Anderson's first Alien Vs. Predator film. That first installment was by no means a masterpiece. In fact, it was downright mediocre. But when stacked up against this R rated shit-fest from the Strause Brothers, Anderson's tame, PG-13 rated effort feels like a masterwork by comparison. At the very least, it had rhythm. It just goes to show that an R rating doesn't necessarily guarantee a kick ass Alien/Predator flick. Far from it in fact.

Requiem picks up right where Anderson's film ended. Following the birth of the Alien/Predator hybrid aboard the Predator's space craft, the little bugger wipes out the ship's crew forcing the craft to crash on Earth. How convenient. After the crash, a bunch of those creepy little face huggers exit the ship and wreak havoc in the city. Meanwhile, the Alien/Predator hybrid (we know it's the Alien/Predator hybrid because it looks like an Alien with dread-locks) flees the craft, and begins searching for a nice human girl to impregnate. Back on the Predator's home world, a fierce warrior takes it upon himself to travel to Earth and take on the hybrid, because hey! That's what Predators do.

I really don't know where to begin. I could start by saying that this film has no patience at all. That it's simply tailor made for folks with no attention span. Or I could talk about how there is virtually no character development, to which most would reply; "It's Alien Vs. Predator dude!" My rebuttal would be; "If that were the case, then why introduce thirty or so characters in the first place? It doesn't make any sense!"

How are the special effects? The truth is, I don't really know. The Aliens and the Predator look okay I suppose, but The Brothers Strause shoot in such a tight and muddled fashion, that it's quite often impossible to see what the hell is going on, particularly during the fight sequences. It doesn't help that a good ninety percent of the film takes place during complete and utter darkness. The execution is clumsy to say the least.

How's the screenplay? Ha ha ha. That's a good one. To say that this film insults the intelligence of the audience is a gross understatement. There is one line that perfectly captures the essence of the entire film. When a band of survivors contemplate whether or not they should put their trust in the military, a supporting player delivers the film's most prophetic line; "The government never lies to people." Yep. That about sums up the screenplay. Sadly, it's obvious that the film-makers saw this as a killer line.

It's clear that the Brothers Strause have a great fondness for the Alien and Predator series as they don't merely pay homage - they flat out ape scenes from both franchises outright. Some folks might call such business plagiarism. In addition to naming their lead character Dallas (the name of Tom Skerritt's character in the original Alien) the film makers also lift lines directly from the Alien and Predator films (i.e. "Get to the chopper"), lines that might have been more humorous in a more competently made movie. This flick is all over the damn place. It's one chaotic, idiotic sequence after the next and it all works towards a dopey, sequel ready ending that had me howling with laughter. I will pay the film one compliment. I liked composer Brian Tyler's score. At least he apes Jerry Goldsmith, James Horner, and Alan Silvestri with a little class.

I'm sure the Brothers Strause are nice enough guys, but their film plays more like an ode to cheesy 80's B-movies. Most of the gore has a kind of camp value to it. Yes, Requiem has Aliens and Predators running around wreaking havoc, but this flick never feels anything like an Alien or Predator movie. It hasn't the rhythm or tension of the best entries in either of those respective franchises, and this is coming from a big time fan. It feels more like a poorly made spoof. Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem plays like Team America: World Police only the humor here is unintentional and the performances are far more wooden.