Fantastic Four is the first bonafide high profile stinker of the summer movie season. This is all the more disconcerting taking into consideration that I had low expectations going in to begin with. Even my most meager expectations failed to be reached

Based on the comic book of the same name, Fantastic Four tells the not so fantastical tale of a group of scientists/astronauts whom, after being exposed to cosmic radiation, return to Earth to find themselves blessed (or cursed) with unusual abilities. Crew leader Reed Richards (aka Mr. Fantastic) is able to bend and stretch like a human pretzel. Sue Storm is now strangely able to turn invisible and create force fields. Lively Johnny Storm lights up the sky as a Human Torch. And the lovable Ben Grimm (aka Thing) becomes a colossal (and amazingly strong) creature who sort of resembles the Rock Biter in The Neverending Story.

Meanwhile, the diabolical mogul Victor Von Doom, who also experiences the side effects of the galactic storm, discovers he has superhuman powers of his own. But does Von Doom opt to use his powers for the good of mankind? Take a wild guess. I was not a frequent reader of the comics, but am well versed in the Fantastic Four mythology. I don't think this adaptation will please the connoisseurs, nor do I believe it will impress the garden variety summer movie goer.

While the actual plot structure is fairly faithful to the comic book, writers Michael France and Mark Frost undercut the screenplay with cheesy and most unwelcome contemporary humor (one character even does a riff on that credit card "priceless" ad campaign). Even by a comic book standards, much of the wordplay is flat out laughable, and unintentionally so. For a moment, I thought I was watching some half baked remake of Starship Troopers.

What's more, director Tim Story appears all wrong for this job. With all due respect to the film maker (I'm a big fan of his Barbershop), he bites off far more than he can chew here. His take on Fantastic Four suffers from odd pacing (the first act of the picture in particular suffers from a shoddy sense of rhythm - it feels as if parts of the plot have mysteriously vanished), and awful production values (even the standard base make-up appliances on the actors' faces are over used and unconvincing).

The effects work in Fantastic Four is just plain atrocious. The visuals don't mesh with the live action footage at all. Whereas the effects work in recent blockbusters such as Batman Begins and War of the Worlds were breathtaking and enhancing, the visuals here are unimaginative and clunky. I do give the make up effects crew props for their Thing design. It's refreshing that they've opted to go old school instead of making the beloved character a CGI creation ala The Hulk.

The acting is certain sub-par - although Michael Chiklis successfully channels the spirit of Ben Grimm/ Thing. He's vulnerable, sympathetic and amusing. He's the only performer who's able to breathe any sort of life into his role - although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't amused a couple of times by Chris Evans' Human Torch. At least there's a swagger and livliness to be found in his dopey turn. The rest of the cast are a complete blank. As beautiful as Jessica Alba is, the only point in which the audience cheered for her is a scene in which she strips down to her underwear. That's just pathetic.

While Fantastic Four is the most family friendly of recent live action super hero films, it offers up a couple of scenes I found downright repulsive - none more so than the despicable subplot featuring Ben Grimm's soulless wife. The moment Grimm returns to his loved one, she instantly flees at the sight of his twisted body. There's even a ridiculous scene in which Mrs. Grimm removes her wedding ring as to tell the audience that she's no longer interested in her unrecognizable husband. Thankfully, there's still someone out there for Grimm, and in the case of this movie, it just so happens to be a blind woman. That's right. A BLIND WOMAN! You get it? Because she's blind, she sees him for who he really is. It just doesn't get much lamer than that. If there was any sort of character development, this stuff might have worked, but Grimm loses his wife and finds hope in another woman in a time span of about five minutes. And furthermore, those of you who are insistent upon complaining about the anti climactic nature of War of the Worlds' finale, wait until you get a load of the big showdown between good and evil in this picture. The fashion in which the enemy in Fastastic Four is defeated is so ridiculously unexciting, that I can't believe it made it past test audiences. The entire film is over before anything really happens, and the tagged-on ending is a direct rip-off from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fantastic Four is drawing comparisons to the wonderful Pixar film The Incredibles, and while it is true that that terrific computer animated film was inspired by Marvel's source material, that movie is ultimately much better. Family dysfunction as displayed in Brad Bird's magical universe is far more realistic and much more enlightening, and furthermore that fantasy offers up a sort of magic that makes the Fantastic Four look like a child's card trick.

This is purely b-caliber stuff throughout, and while the Roger Corman produced version from over ten years ago was also terrible, at least you could blame that on the budget. This film sucks up a storm and has absolutely no excuse for it's near-offensive mediocrity.

This isn't Batman and Robin bad mind you, but it is one of the weakest super hero adaptations I've witnessed in a long, long time. I appreciate that it's decidedly light and aimed at an audience for all ages, but it's hardly engaging. And ultimately it emerges as an abomination in a world of Spiderman, X-Men, Hellboy and Batman. The films in the previously mentioned franchises are vastly superior in terms of writing, tone, style and the exhilaration factor. Fantastic Four is a fantasic flop. A Four-Flusher if ever there was.