Incident at Loch Ness is such a colossal embarrassment that I can't begin to imagine why anyone involved would have wanted anything to do with it. From the star of the show, the iconic film director Werner Herzog, to screenwriter-turned-producer Zak Penn, to big-time Cinematographer Gabriel Beristain. Not to mention the handful of stars that make cameo appearances at a dinner party to kick off the project - Jeff Goldblum, Crispen Glover and Ricky Jay to name a few.

Never have I encountered such a misbegotten, ill-inspired and poorly executed parody, send-up, mocumentary - or whatever you choose to call it. The premise includes a "real" documentary called "Herzog In Wonderland" being shot simultaneously by John Bailey before, during and after this pretend production in which the legendary Herzog sets out to discover what truth (if any) lies behind the myth of the Loch Ness Monster. If you're inclined to read any further please note that this review will be a shameless spoiler, but if you ever believe anything, believe that no one but a fool would, for an moment, believe that Herzog's Loch Ness project is anything more than an absolutely ridiculous hoax and a terribly clumsey attempt at parodying everything from his own reputation as a difficult and demanding director, to the Hollywood system to the legend of Loch Ness.

The parody itself manages to miss the mark so badly that those things that might have been insightful or amusing come off as an insultingly inept mess, that ultimately tarnishes the reputation of Herzog and will inspire a profound distaste for Zak Penn, to a point that the only comparison I can draw is to that obnoxious comedian Orny Adams who was so much of the focus of Jerry Seinfeld's film Comedian. This guy is so remarkably annoying that you really find yourself rooting for him to drown (which he almost does during the phony film) but of course it's all just a sham. I don't want to leave the impression that I'm not aware that Penn is "purposely" trying to come off as an obsequious douche bag - but I don't think it was his intention for his "staged" attempt to come across as the prototypical Hollywood asshole to inspire such acrimony. It wasn't the character he was playing that I would have liked to seen eaten alive by the prehistoric marine beast, it was the real Zak Penn, whose idea this godawful film was. This much alone is grounds for a lynch party.

On the upside, Werner Herzog did prove to be an interesting subject - particularly before they get out on the boat and he has to begin to pretend that he's afraid of this fake beast that they've cooked up. There is enough back story and fascinating clips of his past work (his legendary bouts with Klaus Kinski, etc.) to keep one awake during the first 45 minutes of the film. He has a charming camera presence - kind of a cross between Sydney Pollack and Jeffrey Rush. The idea is that Herzog is the victim here, he wants to shoot an honest film that centers on the psychological and sociological aspects of Nessie - all the while Penn is plotting to bring in a phony Nessie so as to make a film that will have guaranteed box-office draw in order to please the films' investors. As an audience we are expected to buy into the fact that this could actually happen all within the small confines of a boat no larger than the Orca from Jaws.

For Example Penn contrives to bring on a hot young model who is ostensibly a "sonar expert." And in one of the most ridiculous scenes ever committed to film, Herzog comes on deck during a scene that Penn is trying to quickly sneak in where the hot, young Sonar Operator, strips down to a bikini and jumps into the frigid waters of Ness. This is hilarious, you see, because without a scene where we are witness to a well-endowed woman with rock-hard nipples there's no way anyone is going to pay to see this film. Naturally this brings about a staged confrontation that culminates with Penn seizing a flare gun and holding it to Herzog's head. The gun turns out to be unloaded, and we're supposed to think this is funny because it's a goof on an apocryphal anecdote about Herzog once holding a gun on Klaus Kinski while directing him.

With all this folly taking place on the vessel - including a scene in which Penn tosses a cheezy looking "fake Nessy" in the water so as to get a money shot for his film - strange things begin to take place in the black waters of Loch Ness. Soon the entire production is suspended as the ship is now under siege by the "real" Nessie. Oh my goodness, the irony? It is soon the popular opinion of cast and crew that by fooling around with the legend of the monster that they have incurred the wrath of the genuine article. The boat is eventually torn asunder and the terrified crew are soon thrown into a panic and then into the brackish water at the mercy of the beast.

Eventually a nearby vessel rescues the principal players, sadly however a number of the crew members are missing and they even had the bad taste to proclaim two of the characters as dead (they actually find their lifeless bodies). And then, to top it off, the film ends with Zak Penn eulogizing about the dead people and his dead-in-the-water project. Believe me by this time, you want to leap through the screen and strangle the shit out of this guy, who's just wasted two hours of your life. Even more amazing to me, is how many critics actually enjoyed this film. Not Nessie, not Bigfoot, not even aliens from space could be more mystifying to me than the fact that any level-headed adult human being could find this abominable piece of crap entertaining.