The Legend of Johnny Lingo isn't a Mormon film in the same sense as Kurt Hale or Richard Dutcher's stuff, but it was directed and produced by Church members and it's based on a short story that the LDS Church produced a half hour version of in 1962. I was 2 years old at the time and, though I grew up a member of the Church, I never saw it, and judging by the full length version, I couldn't have missed much.

This film has nothing to do with Mormons or their beliefs, but I received a free ticket at Church and thus I loaded up the kids and off we went to watch this 90 minute infomercial for Noni Juice. Watching this film is only slightly less unpleasant than drinking a tablespoon of this strange island panacea. As you might imagine the financial backing for this production came from Morinda, Inc who produce the juice. I'm not sure why anyone was ever interested in this virtually pointless story in the first place, or who the target market for this film would be? I barely lasted through my free screening and my children who generally like any "Island-based" entertainment were begging to go home, where they could once again watch Sponge Bob and be happy.

I'm not going to bother outlining this story, because it's as simple as a bologna sandwich and I could make up a more compelling tale off the top of my head as I told it. There are only 3 actors in this film that have any business being in front of a camera - the Old Johnny Lingo (George Hence), his right hand man whose name I couldn't find out after tireless research and the Island Drunk, who was actually quite good, but whose name sadly I'm also unable to report.

My fellow film goers that day were all well into their retirement, and quite entertainingly spoke loudly about the most insignificant details you can imagine, as though they hadn't seen a film since the Ten Commandments. I'm not going to give this film an F, because I don't want to be excommunicated, and in fairness, the production values were good - you can't miss with the Pacific Isles. I might've given it a C- so as to appease the Island gods, or because it's title nearly contained two of the first names of the Beatles, but I've got to go D for it's shameless abuse of product placement. Just say Noni to Johnny Lingo.