There's good news and bad news regarding Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The good news is, that Michael Bay's latest opus is slightly better than Bad Boys II. The bad news is, this obnoxious sequel is actually worse than Pearl Harbor. If you like Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II, then there's probably no point in your reading this review.

In Revenge of the Fallen, Sam Witwicky (played by Shia LaBeouf) is off to college. This puts a strain on his relationship with hottie girlfriend Mikaela Banes (played by Megan Fox), but Sam's relationship issues become the least of his worries when he discovers that Megatron is back with a vengeance. So once again, its up to Sam and Optimus Prime to save mankind as we know it.

There's a moment about halfway through Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, in which a glossy Bad Boys II poster is seen visibly hanging on Sam's dorm room wall. This particular moment pretty much summed up the entire film for me. Like Bad Boys II, Revenge of the Fallen is louder, dumber, and - worst of all - longer than its predecessor.

What's more, this jumbled, convoluted actioneer doesn't make much sense. It jumps around from one location to another, throwing in one irrelevant character after the next, banking on the notion that audiences will forgive it for its complete and utter stupidity provided there are plenty of scenes in which giant robots beat the living shit out of each other.

Quite clearly, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is all about the special effects and for the most part, the visuals are dazzling. I wouldn't call Revenge of the Fallen awe inspiring though. Remember the first time you saw dinosaurs in Jurassic Park? I can't speak for the rest of you, but my jaw dropped to the floor. The Transformers films are extremely hollow by comparison.

Yes, Michael Bay knows how to blow shit up, but does he know how to do anything else? Based on his latest effort, its clear he doesn't know how to tell a story. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen isn't so much a movie as it is an excuse for Bay to wave his 200 million dollar budget in the faces of far superior film makers. "Hey everybody! Look what I got!" I would have had a lot more respect for Paramount and Dreamworks had they taken that 200 million dollar budget, handed it out to two hundred passionate film-makers who actually give a shit, and see what they would have come up with.

There wasn't even much worth laughing at in this movie. Not intentionally anyway. Not once did I chuckle at the moments that were supposed to be funny, save for a scene in which Sam makes a snide remark at the expense of a dumb jock on campus. There a couple of one liner spouting Autobots who talk like gangstas and in addition to being offensive, they were painfully unfunny. Equally offensive are the scenes involving a tiny droid (with an uncanny resemblance to Wall-E) who spends most of the film either dropping f-bombs or humping Megan Fox's leg. Or how about a moment in which a Pyramid scaling Decepticon reveals a massive pair of shiny balls to an unsuspecting John Turturro. Even the heroic Optimus Prime is forced to utter crappy, out of character lines like; "Punk ass Decepticon!" This is the extent of the humor in this movie. It made the jokes in Harold Ramis' awful Year One seem positively masterful by comparison.

Revenge of the Fallen was written by Ehren Kruger with an assist by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci (the dynamic duo who penned this summer's outstanding Star Trek reboot). I wonder how much of what's on screen actually came from their screenplay. Its hard to tell. Revenge of the Fallen offers up little winks at several films of the past including Gremlins, Forrest Gump, and the little seen gem Small Soldiers, but these particular winks are sorely out of place (most notably, a ridiculous bit of dialogue from Forrest Gump). I have a sneaky suspicion Bay took a lot of liberties with the source material.

It seems fairly pointless to comment on the performances in this picture because even the cast members themselves have been quick to point out that this isn't a character driven piece. Its an action movie. Fair enough, but if that's the case why even put actors in it at all? Why even dare to introduce the Sam/Mikaela relationship into the equation. The truth is, even a big action movie is capable of balance. Look at James Cameron's films. Terminator 2 and Aliens were both heavy on action and spectacle, but they also found time to offer up characters worth caring about. Even this summer's mediocre Terminator: Salvation dared to inject some humanity into the proceedings.

Listen, I know that this is simply a movie based on a Hasbro toy line, and I also realize that a massive team of really talented folks put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into this thing, but flashy razzle dazzle will only get you so far. Ninety minutes of this nonsense might have been somewhat tolerable, but two and a half hours of it? Unforgivable.

The night after I watched Revenge of the Fallen, I dreamt that I actually got to interview Michael Bay. I walked up to him and told him I didn't care for his latest film. He replied by saying; "you couldn't have made it any better!" My response was; "I wouldn't have made it at all!"

The sad thing is, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will make a gazillion dollars at the box office meaning that the inevitable Transformers 3 is just around the corner. I can only hope that Bay will sit Part 3 out. If he does, I'll consider seeing it.

Grade: D+