When A Stranger Calls (2006)
"I got worried, saw the front door open. Live next door, sorry to be nosy but did you invite that big, maniac-guy with the knife? Seems to be hiding?"
In a remote hilltop house, high school student Jill Johnson (Camilla Belle) settles in for a routine night of babysitting. With the children sound asleep and a beautiful home to explore, she locks the door and sets the alarm. But when a series of eerie phone calls from a stranger insist that she "check the children," Jill begins to panic. Fear escalates to terror when she has the calls traced and learns that they are coming from inside the house. Jill must summon all of her inner strength if she is going to fight back and make it out of the house alive. Cough cough, bullshit, cough cough. I think somewhere in Hollywood, in a deep, dark basement with insufficient lighting and air, there are a group of studio executives green lighting films because they hate us as a movie going public. Despise us - live to see us suffer, you can almost hear their muffled laughter during the opening titles of this one. Maybe they're failed actors embittered by the fame that has eluded them who take fiendish delight in tormenting movies audiences, but its clear they are out to see us waste our money and walk away scratching our heads. I can't find any other plausible explanation (other than mountains of crack cocaine) as to why somewhere during the filming of this movie or maybe in post-production someone didn't push their pile of crack aside and say "wait a minute - this movie sucks." Seriously, it's as if this film was made for fourteen year old girls who have never seen a horror or suspense movie in their life - or for that matter "the trailer." These diabolical purveyors of pap hate us so much they gave the whole film away in the preview trailer, they make it perfectly obvous that the villain is going to get inside the house which you probably could have guessed, unless you've recently began practicing for a new career as a brick juggler. So we know the villain is going to end up in the house, yet we must endure an hour of so-called suspense where the movie tries to fool us into believing that the nasty old bogey man could never make it into a house with such a failsafe security system. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but so is 2 hours and 8 bucks. I don't think I have ever seen a movie rip-off every single horror movie cliché before, but I think When a Stranger Calls pulls it off. Hide and Seek came close, but wow, to make a movie this inept you'd seriously have to be doing it on purpose - and trust me, this isn't a send-up. First off, the lead character is jumpy and half scared out of her wits two minutes after arriving at the house? This is well before anything has happened, much less the first spooky phone call. She acts like like she might soil herself if the cat looks at her wrong. If you didn't feel insulted by this then you weren't paying attention. True another girl gets killed during this sequence, but that was for the audiences benefit - Camilla Belle doesn't know anything about this, but she must have read that part of the script because she just about jumps out of her panties every time she sees her own shadow - what the hell? And when will the people who create these d-grade slasher flicks stop telegraphing their punches - keying the music up right before you try and make me jump is like slapping me in the face then telling me I should like it. Enough already - whoever you are, its gotten ridiculous, its not scary, its not terrifying and you should be ashamed of yourself for fobbing this rubbish off on the movie-going public. Oh and by the way, brand new cars don't take 14 tries to start - it just doesn't happen - ever. Lucky for us Camilla Belle is nineteen years old because she must have slept with someone to get this part, that or it has gotten way to easy to get movie parts in Hollywood nowadays. I have seen goldfish with better chops. As bad as Camilla is and she's bad, I don't think it was entirely her fault, so I am going to blame the director Simon West (who had to have smoked his share of the smack or crack or gack). His directing skills display all the subtlety of putting a thumbtack in the wall with a sledge hammer. I have never seen more heavy handed, obvious directing in my life and then he tries to pass this garbage off as suspense. Someone needs to be fired and if it seems I am being a little touchy today, that's because I am tired of Hollywood complaining about slumping box office numbers then taking piles of horse manure like this and dumping it on audiences. Show some creativity, give us some credit, I was offended by how bad this movie was and you should be too. It's no accident that 4 out of the 5 films up for best picture this year were made outside the studio system and the one that wasn't was Spielberg. Think. Check out the Diz biz for all kinds of cool stuff at Add your own comment here and see it posted immediately!
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