I was hoping that our mainstream metal guru Rob Jones would grab this one and run with it, but it looks like I'm stuck doing it. I was pretty much coerced into reviewing this album as the Boneman actually purchased it for me and asked nicely. I'm a sucker for that bearded man-god.

Even though I sound like I'm naysaying, Mezmerize (and remember that's with two Z's) really threw me for a loop - much like the time I drank a cup of gasoline in my Dad's shop thinking it was water. "Chop Suey" was like a guilty pleasure for me just like every other person listening to the alternative station. Only I don't remember "Chop Suey" screaming like a rabid foreigner, "my cock is much bigger than yours."

In truth I thought I might've been the wrong man for the job of critiquing this album. You see when I think of System of a Down and other Nu metal dork bands like Static X, Korn, and Godsmack all I can picture are the stereotypical fans of this type of high decibal dimwittedness - back in my white trash hometown where ghetto-tweeker-quasi-redneck dudes and extreme moto-X dude bros were the only retards who dug this shit. I couldn't stand those fucks, therefore I labeled their music like I labeled them: Ghetto Cowboy Dance Party Mix, and no one wants to see or hear that. Save for the violent minority.

I recall a story my friend told me of when he went to a classic Ghetto Cowboy kegger out in the desert. All was cool until a specific Tool song came on which triggered a mass impromptu dance off - breaking loose all hell in the process. Dudes were busting out the craziest and most random body movements ever. The kind of dancing that looks more like someone desperately trying to dislodge a scorpion from the inner recesses of their genitalia. To show their deep enthusiasm for the song they even pulled out the elusive "lawn mower pull" and "motor cycle rev-up" and threw it down hard - with little or no regard for potential fellow dude-bro, and ghetto-cowboy second-hand, embarrassment. Yes, secondhand embarrassment has been known to reach even into the realm of the ghetto-tweeker-quasi-redneck ranks. Thankfully few of us need worry about it.

Anyway I've always thought that SOD were way too serious and much too near the borderline of insanity for me so I always figured fuck em'. But this album really caught me off guard. It's a really fun album and good times can be had - no shit. Just when you think this baby is going to get all slow and saggy or too serious it whips out something like the chorus from Violent Pornography, "violent pornography, choking chicks and sodomy!" I know what you're thinking - the "feel-good" hit of the summer- exactly. I knew I could rock out to this shit hard at the local rock climbing competition with my bright yellow "tits-out" Bronco, but when my grandfather chimed in on the chorus - I knew it was destined to become one of those "blue collar anthems" like "Taking Care of Business." That was a joke incidently, the truth is, the song really can annoy the hell out of you and force your already anxious trigger finger to the FF button.

After listening to Mezmerize a couple of times I thought it was trippy and funny and somewhat interesting from a musical standpoint - so I forced my girlfriend and roommate to listen to it. My girl has always had a crush on this band so she was a pushover even after my raves of obnoxious machismo were thrown her way. Aaron my roommate however is a hardcore bad ass guitar dude who only listens to bad ass shit with really good musicians like Pennywise, Thrice and a AFI (yeah, figure that one out). Anyway he didn't really say it, but I caught him with a furtive little grin on his face as well as a couple eye-widening sighs that he let escape during the intense seconds of the guitar player douche's (Daron Malakian) rivet liberating breakdowns and intros. Chances are you're going to be seeing a lot more pony-tailed fifty something men attempting to look forty, driving their shiny new Miatas blasting this shit in every direction trying to fool the young babes long enough for a night of miraculous drunken sexual good fortune. We're all rooting for you Boneman!

Overall I was shocked and impressed by this piece of arty nu metal madness. It packs a sonic barrage that may jeopardize those cute little bones in your inner ear. Plus it possesses supernatural properties capable of relocating solid geographical mass and producing erections that may last for longer than four inches - hours I mean - four hours. After you've called every female whose phone number you possess - consider consulting a physician. Don't be afraid - a Physician is nothing more than a doctor that starts with a fizz. Even though my friend Dusty said that the guitarist guy looks like a little bitch when he screams. The band is as trippy looking as their music sounds but not as scary as Rick Rubin's beard. Rubin produces this metal meets art/prog pastiche and credit him for making it listenable despite all it's wacky winding, weirdness. I cant' wait until Hypnotize comes out in November I'll be all over that shit like Brad Pitt on a Asian orphan. Hey whatever it takes to get your Jolies. Merry Christmas everybody - let's make this motherfucker special!