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Yankee Wankers

Yankee Wankers

Here it is Thanksgiving time once again (or as the corporate retailers call it, "Black November") With each passing year, the Christmas season creeps ever closer to the Christmas season before. I believe at this rate, if the world were to survive Global Warming, Armageddon or Nuclear Annihilation an... [More]

Too Faced

Too Faced

Facebook can be a lot of fun and a great way to stay in touch with old friends, but it can also be a dark, sinister force that swallows your spare time like a blackhole sucks up, y'know space stuff. I'm no Stephen Hawking, but I know when I'm being played by some kind of funky cosmic shit. Something... [More]

The Straight Dope

The Straight Dope

Alright then, you want the straight dope -- here you go. Yes, I went and got all churchy and straight and so forth, but I strongly believe we'd live in a much better world if people would just smoke weed and there was no such thing as alcohol. If this were only true, there would be far less heartach... [More]

The Truth Blows

The Truth Blows

A recent Gallup poll found that 58 percent of those surveyed believe our country is going to Hell in a handbasket. That was the actual question asked -- not "are we in bad shape?" but "is our country going to Hell in a handbasket?" Actually, I have no idea what the hell a handbasket even is. It seem... [More]

The Isis Melting

The Isis Melting

Barack Obama is a very smart, capable man and a great leader, but I think it's time we all admitted that it's too bad he didn't apply any of these qualities to his presidency. True, I was just as proud as anyone of the American people for putting a black man in the White House. It felt wonderful, pa... [More]

House

House

Working from home has its perks, and being able to make $25 an hour in my underwear is chief among them. The only downside is that to do this, I have to write keyword-targeted corporate rhetoric so achingly redundant that after about two hours of it, I just want someone to sneak up from behind and s... [More]

America's Boyfriend Barrack

America's Boyfriend Barrack

It's been over six years now since I met my boyfriend. What can I say? The guy just bowled my socks off. Such a winning smile, charming as the devil, charisma to burn, and, oh my goodness, his butt was to die for! He was just so different than the other guys I'd been with. In fact, not so long ago,... [More]

Go See Alice

Go See Alice

You have to love the fact that it's perfectly correct to talk about erections these days. Once Viagra and Cialis started schwinging it around on TV, the floodgates were open. Actually, I recall the first inkling of such a trend several years ago. I was watching a Braves game with my grandparents whe... [More]

Christmas Bonus

Christmas Bonus

Patients taking Abilify are strongly cautioned to discontinue use if they suddenly become blind, stupid, insane, obese, flatulent, funny looking, or experience violent rectal bleeding or demonic possession. (Consult fine print of instruction before calling an Attorney or Priest.) Patients taking cer... [More]

Homewrecker

Homewrecker

Though I grew up just 50 miles north of Temple town, the climate is dramatically different. A Cedar City sizzler "might" flirt with a hundred, but the same day in Utah's Dixie would make a chicken fly straight up in the air shit and 'die.' The problem is that if it's too hot for a kid to go outside,... [More]

Das Weiner

Das Weiner

Sometimes the wife makes me drive all the way out to Costco just to get gas. Which used to result in the same nasty argument, until I realized that arguing is futile and the only way "not" to lose an argument with her is not to "win," either. Just for the sake of nostalgia I might sputter off someth... [More]

Of Mice and Medicine

Of Mice and Medicine

For the past 17 years I've been taking a medication to help me go nighty night. Unfortunately it's the kind of chronic insomnia that a glass of worm milk (ooo gross worm milk? there's a nasty typo for ya. I may never sleep again.) In any case my meds are old school with none of these bizarre side ef... [More]

Throwing the Book Near me

Throwing the Book Near me

So we finally got Osama Bin Rotten. I guess it's a good thing. At least we got him before we had to explain to an entire generation of Earthlings why the old skeez needed a good killing. It wouldn't have gone over nearly as well ten years from now. I can't help but picture viral footage of a crazed... [More]

Shoe Suede Blues

Shoe Suede Blues

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to sue the Dockers off the backside of your former best friend; whom, in due course, has proven himself to be a back-stabbing pissrat, fit only for universal loathing. Indeed it would be fortunate if this unpleasantness turned out to be a bad d... [More]

The Boneman - The Rolling Stone Interview

The Boneman - The Rolling Stone Interview

I've been a die-hard fan of the Boneman for so long now that it's become as much a part of my monthly routine as brushing my teeth. In fact, I'm so accustomed to being present for his monthly droll-call that without a peek through his levity-lens the world would be noticeably less cool. When I was a... [More]

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