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Christmas Bonus

Christmas Bonus

Patients taking Abilify are strongly cautioned to discontinue use if they suddenly become blind, stupid, insane, obese, flatulent, funny looking, or experience violent rectal bleeding or demonic possession. (Consult fine print of instruction before calling an Attorney or Priest.) Patients taking cer... [More]

Of Mice and Medicine

Of Mice and Medicine

For the past 17 years I've been taking a medication to help me go nighty night. Unfortunately it's the kind of chronic insomnia that a glass of worm milk (ooo gross worm milk? there's a nasty typo for ya. I may never sleep again.) In any case my meds are old school with none of these bizarre side ef... [More]

Homewrecker

Homewrecker

Though I grew up just 50 miles north of Temple town, the climate is dramatically different. A Cedar City sizzler "might" flirt with a hundred, but the same day in Utah's Dixie would make a chicken fly straight up in the air shit and 'die.' The problem is that if it's too hot for a kid to go outside,... [More]

Das Weiner

Das Weiner

Sometimes the wife makes me drive all the way out to Costco just to get gas. Which used to result in the same nasty argument, until I realized that arguing is futile and the only way "not" to lose an argument with her is not to "win," either. Just for the sake of nostalgia I might sputter off someth... [More]

The Boneman - The Rolling Stone Interview

The Boneman - The Rolling Stone Interview

I've been a die-hard fan of the Boneman for so long now that it's become as much a part of my monthly routine as brushing my teeth. In fact, I'm so accustomed to being present for his monthly droll-call that without a peek through his levity-lens the world would be noticeably less cool. When I was a... [More]

When Worse Comes to Shove

When Worse Comes to Shove

Once upon a while I get to thinking that maybe this column might be catching on. Last month, for example, I wrote about my neighbor's miserable dogs and two days after the paper came out someone let the air out of my tires. Yes! I suppose most people would react to such a thing with anger or concer... [More]

A Holiday Carol

A Holiday Carol

A Holiday Carol The systematic campaign by the Jewish owned and operated media to banish Christmas from Christmastime has now reached the point of critical mass - or Critmas. Critical Mass is the physical law governing the point at which mass insipiency approaches maximum density and thereupon te... [More]

A Sunbeam For Him

A Sunbeam For Him

I believe I mentioned something about this a few months back, but in case you missed that undeniable masterpiece, I'm in the midst of a comprehensive campaign to straighten up my act. It's a good project to undertake in general (regardless how arduous, massive or hopelessly impossible it may seem) b... [More]

Podium Bling

Podium Bling

Between the Jazz and the Olympics it's been hard to find time to get any writing done - as of press time the Jazz have won right around 20 of their last 25 games. Yet, believe me, when I consider what happened to the Tonight Show after my casual mention of Conan and Jay, I worry that any reference t... [More]

Feeling Fined.

Feeling Fined.

In my last column I was making a point about what a no-brainer it was to come up with Tiger Woods jokes and happened to make an off handed reference to Jay Leno and Conan. I just want to say right off the top that I'm terribly sorry and that I had no idea it would come to all this. How bizarre wou... [More]

Breaker One Nan, Tiger Beat

Breaker One Nan, Tiger Beat

Breaker One Nine Tiger Beat - What's Your 2010? "Copy that Bogey Man, just rolled into Temple Town, with Calendar Girl riding Shotgun, cummo back." "That's a big 10-4 Good Buddy, looks like we got ourselves a Convoy decade!" Or for those of you younger than 40 - you've got yourself a gauge of Sho... [More]

And That's The Way It Is

And That's The Way It Is

I think we're on the threshold of an era when just about every day someone famous is going to die. Now that the advent of television (in every home) is 50 years old (give or take) there are plenty of TV celebrities getting awfully long in the tooth. Within days of Michael Jackson two of the most bel... [More]

Speak of the Devil

Speak of the Devil

With my kids spending a week with their Grandfolks up North in the bucolic splendor near Park City - I sat in my deserted home and discovered the coolest thing – televisions have an OFF switch! How wonderfully strange it was to have the Disney Channel's relentless bubble gum brainwashing babble sile... [More]

Using My Religion

Using My Religion

I wish I could tell you that my relatively recent return to the good graces of the LDS church was the result of some inspiring saga. A grand tale of the forces of good and righteousness conquering the malevolent forces of evil which, set to music, would be a staple on the Fireside circuit for years.... [More]

Throwing the Book Near me

Throwing the Book Near me

So we finally got Osama Bin Rotten. I guess it's a good thing. At least we got him before we had to explain to an entire generation of Earthlings why the old skeez needed a good killing. It wouldn't have gone over nearly as well ten years from now. I can't help but picture viral footage of a crazed... [More]

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